How do you KNOW?
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| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:50pm |
I was reading the topic about Jerry Maguire and Pretty Woman and I agree... Hollywood has a way of putting these "fantasies" in our heads from a very young age. Now here I am as a 30-year old woman trying to figure out truth from fantasy also having a enough life experience to jade me alittle and enough to make me see things in a thousand different lights.
I've been told by a number of people you just KNOW when you've met the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. They, coincidently, are some of the same people I've watched divorce through the years. People who swore up and down he was the one. Here I am with a guy after 9 years (periods of disconnect and "breaks" but 9 years more or less) and while we definitely aren't in the "in love" stage anymore - we do love each other. There is a mutual respect and just a "constant" to the relationship. In a way, a view it like a 9-year marriage. And I wonder... IS this what it would be like after 9 years with anyone? I'm stuck in a place of do I realize what I have and really dive into a future here (committing in marriage, creating a family, etc.) or is this not really what it would be like after 9 years with my "fantasy"? I hope what I'm writing is making sense - I'm afraid it's not. I'm torn between what I think might just be reality and the ideal of what I always thought it would be like and still am not sure I can let go of - but don't want to lose what is good (and real) for a "fantasy".
Does this make sense?
Please respond with your thoughts!

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I think you can never be 100% sure about anyone. Obviously after 9 years of knowing someone, it's going to be different than that first 6 months or a year where you're constantly having the "in love" feelings. Do you still feel, generally, "in love" with him, though? Because that's essential ... to still have the "spark", I think, even though the relationship is in a more mature and constant place. The reason I ask is because you were much younger when you met this person ... often we wouldn't choose the same person at 30 that we chose at 21.
Do you think that your current relationship contains at least part of the "ideal"? Does it make you happy, for the most part, on a daily basis?
Why am I not surprised that I've only received ONE reply on this topic! Is it because people really don't know - or is it because no one really wants to think about it!? I tend to think it's the latter. Anyway... thanks Carrie for your reply.
As far as my relationship - very little spark although I'm going to try and revive it because we have alot going for us and he's my best friend - but we need to get back to being lovers again too!
I wouldn't say it's close to being my ideal or having the components... but I am happy when i'm not worrying if it's ENOUGH! I'd just love to sit and talk to some REALLY honest people either about their relationships or those around 'em. Because I really don't think anyone knows... I think those that believe they know... have actually just convince themself and stick with it.
I'd sure like to hear other opinions on this if anyone is brave enough to post! :)
Yes, I have to agree that I think nobody really knows for sure. I'm not in a relationship now, but in my last one there were times where I really felt I was as sure as I could be that I'd met the right person. And yet, I eventually concluded that he wasn't right for me
I have a good excuse, I've been on vacation. :)
I agree that there is now way to absolutely positively KNOW. I will say this. I have NEVER been more sure of anything in my entire life then I am that I made the right choice in marrying my husband. That's not to say there weren't troubles or times of doubts especially in the beginning. There were. But somehow deep down I still felt sure. I felt it would work.
We've been together about 2.5 years now. I'm still crazy in love with him and we still don't really fight. In his words "It just works." The infatuation has worn off but in it's place we have this very deep very solid love that's just always there. Our relationship offers that soft safe place to land very nearly 7/24/365.
I had been in love before, twice actually. Both times to nice guys. Both times long term relationships. Both times I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something not right, something not working.
So I guess that for me it was less about KNOWING and more about the abscence of something feeling off.
I SAY WRITE OUT YOUR OPTIONS PRO AND CONS BEFORE YOU MAKE A SUDDEN CHANGE BUT DO WHAT TRULY MAKES YOU HAPPY FOR A LIFE TIME THAN FOR THE MOMENT
Hey, I'm a guy, been with my wife for, hell, 11 years now, married almost 8 (2 kids as well, and 2 dogs...and 2 cats...there a theme here?!), so I'll weigh in:
Relationships are a leap of faith. With my wife, yes, it felt right b/c she was my best friend and I knew that I'd rather spend the rest of my life with her than without her (which I think is a good way to look at your relationship to assess how you feel - are you happier with your man than forever without him?).
Once you make a determination, and let's say you want to stay w/ him, in my experience, our intimacy runs hotter and colder depending on what's happening in life. You guys have been together almost as long as we have, and yeah, you have moments when you need to "amp it up" as far as your being together, being intimate. When you're with someone, and you know this, things happen, people grow (and sometimes grow apart) and above all, people change...sometimes for the better, sometimes worse. It's natural and that's why relationships are the single hardest thing anyone will ever do in life (in my opinion...what's harder, kids? Finding the right partner to raise those kids is way harder, to me).
Life is not fantasy. Life is reality. Movies are fantasy. Jennifer Aniston lives in reality, when her husband left her for another girl (albeit a pretty kickass girl, though Pitt had a pretty kickass girl). Look at how reality affects the very celebrities that create the fantasies that drive regular people crazy (Locklear, Sheen, Richards, Simpson, Lachey, etc, etc)...and, btw, why do all these guys keep dumping Penelope Cruz?! I mean, how much hotter does a girl have to be, really?! is she loca? 'cause she is muy caliente!
OK, back on track - I think you should go out on a nice date this wknd and I think you should have a bottle of decent wine and I think you should say, "Look, I love you tons and I want us to be together, and I want us to try to get back to where we were when we were really deep into each other. I'm going to try harder and I want you to try harder, too. And I think we'll really have a lot of fun and see where this goes...game?"
David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life
Hi Nick, your posting is always so inspiring, and it gives us girls who are still seeking "The One" hopes that someday it will happen to us too.
The last sentence in your posting, however, raised a question: "So I guess that for me it was less about KNOWING and more about the abscence of something feeling off." In my past relationship even when I was madly in love with the man and wanted to marry him, I never had that "I'm sure he's the one" feeling, and I've always felt that something was off (even though i still wanted to marry him). That probably explained why things didn't work out eventually, after 5 years of being together. So now I'd like to ask a question somehow related to the original poster's question, to everyone out there: have you ever had that feeling that something was off in the beginning, but eventually shook that feeling off later on? If you have doubts or feel that something is not right, can it have a chance to work out, or should we always listen to our guts?
I am happy for you, Nick, for finding a man that you truly love and feel right with. However, and please do not take it personal, somehow I find the notion of "I knew he's the one" that's so frequently sworn by many couples very troublesome. Doesn't every couple feel that way when they stand at the altar and exchange wedding vows? If so, then why does 1 out 2 marriages end up in divorce? I guess I will always have doubts even if my gut is telling me "He is the one." Just as another poster has said, she thought her ex was The One but then later found out that he was not. So as I asked in the last paragraph, if our feelings of certainty cannot always be trusted, how about our feelings of uncertainty?
J.
I think it's a matter of what are you feeling more often ... certainty or uncertainty. I think we'll have moments of uncertainty in every relationship, because our emotions are in flux from day to day and everyone is going to do/say things that frustrate us, that we disagree with, etc.
I'm thinking of one relationship where from about the 2nd date, I had a nagging sense that this person was insecure, even though he didn't outwardly seem that way and I liked him a lot. I think it was my gut feeling speaking to me, but I kept telling myself I was being too picky, no one's perfect, I can't "prove" he's this way, it's just a feeling. Months later, this person turned out to have a very bad jealous streak and also exploded in rages when he didn't get his way. I'm not sorry I involved myself with him, but there was a consistent feeling of uncertainty that kept coming up again and again. I kind of wish now I'd listened to that feeling earlier, but it was almost like I needed to wait until there was actual "proof" (him acting very jealous and angry) to be sure enough of my feeling of uncertainty.
We never have a guarantee about anyone
I can only go by my own experience. My experience was that I NEVER could get rid of a gut feeling that something was just not right.
I was engaged once to my high school sweetheart. Looking back I clearly recall thinking I should be saying "I need some time to think it over." but saying "Yes." when he proposed. We'd bene together for five years. He was the first man I ever had sex with. I just didn't feel like. "I need to think about it." About a year later I ended it.
The next man I was in love with things felt MUCH more right to me; but, I still couldn't shale this feeling that it wasn't going to work out. I knew he loved me and I loved him; but, there was still something off. We both knew it but we both denied it for probably at least a yera of our three year relationship. I had thought maybe eventually things would work out with him. Maybe eventually I would shake the feeling. Eventually he broke up with me, but it was amicable and we stayed friends.
With my husband, there were times in the begining I wasn't sure it would work; but, my gut always siad it would. Some of the things I went through with him in our first six months were rougher and rockier then anything I had been through with the other two guys. In spite fo that my gut said, "Hang on, it it'll work out."
By that time in my life I had learned I need to listen when my gut said wrong so I took a BIG, make that HUGE, chance and listened when it said, "Stay, it'll be okay."
I didn't "just know" I just knew that for the first time in my life there were no alarm bells, no warning lights, no nagging doubts or fears. It felt right and safe, and for the first time it didn't feel like that was just a lie I was telling myself or that there was a truth I was hiding from or any sort of fear I was trying to ignore.
In spite of the fact there was a part of me that was absolutely terrified, at times, it felt like that was the part that was the lie. It felt like that was the part that was wrong. Which was completely the opposite of how I had felt the other two times I was in love.
By the time I married my husband we had worked through the issues we had and I did feel 99.9% confident marrying him. By then I knew I 99.9% believed we could make it through anything; but, that part took time. That part took both of us working through those last few issues and learning how to communicate with each other. It took us learning how to be a team.
But I can't really say I "knew". No one ever REALLY "knows". You can't. The future is an unpredictable thing. All you can ever really expect or hope for is to be able to look back at your past and have learned something it and "know" that you know you're 99.9% sure you are doing what you feel good and right about and that you have faith in that person and yourself.
The only thing or person you can EVER be sure of is you. It may not be romantic, but that's reality. As far as other people go all you can do is trust your judgement and have faith that they wont prove you wrong.
I always love responding about this, mostly because, for every person, they choose a different path and choose what leads them.
For myself, I have had The One. I knew it in my heart, in my soul, in my gut. Even with our rocky times, I never doubted he was the one I was meant to spend my life with. Everything was passionate, and chemistry filled, and clicking. We just clicked. We worked well together. I married him. and like many of the stories you heard, I also divorced him. It hurt like hell later, to hear a really good psychic (yes, psychic) tell me he's my soulmate and to go back to him. Especially since I was with someone else, and so is he.
We were great together. Although, the things that broke us up, wasn't so much our values, or lives. It was our immaturity and pride. We both still feel those feelings, however, we just don't act on them. The feelings of "knowing" of being connected.
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