don't know nemore

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
don't know nemore
11
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 11:27pm
This is my first time posting here, I guess I just needed to talk to someone, I feel really depressed and alone. I'm not a very social person so I don't really have many friends to talk to and I'm beginning to learn the disadvantages of that when you need comforting, so I feel what I'm going through is hitting me harder then it would be if I had people telling me everythings going to be ok.
well, my boyfriend of almost 2years is all of a sudden not sure if he wants to be with me. After 2 pretty happy years of loving and caring and all of that stuff he feels this relationship isn't working out for him. We have a long distance relationship and for the most part its been going really well, we talk every day, for hours and we do see eachother occasionally, this distance has never been a problem, so I don't really know whats going on. I've grown attached to this guy, I fell inlove with him within days when I first met him, he was just so sweet. and over the two years I've known him, not only if he my boyfriend but I also see him as my best friend. He even asked me to marry him, but because of our traditions we were forced to wait by our parents, but we are pretty youn as well, him being 21 and I being 18, but theres no such thing as an ideal age to get married, when you love someone it just happens and i don't believe that age has anything to do with it. I feel like I'm going on but I'm just really hurt right now and not knowing what to do. I feel like just getting up and totally leaving and just starting out new somewhere else and leaving everything behind so i wouldn't have to deal with him or have anything left to remind me of him but i don't really know how realistic that is, i really wish i could right about now though.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 9:45am

I understand totally how you feel. This has been an issue with me over the recent weeks. And since I was a teen I have always felt it is summer and everyone wants to go out and enjoy themselves. They want to party and not have the confines of a relationship. To some it is great but to those who feels they should party before settling down it is a big deal. I am sorry this isn’t what you wanted to here but you are young and I say go ahead take the time to heal from this because two years is a long time but better then if you were married and this resulted in a divorce. Take this time as a summer to meet you some friends and get out and hang out.


Marie

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:49pm
I think your right about one thing, thats definatly not what I wanted to hear. I tried to emphasize that i'm not a very social person and as much as i want to make friends i'm not the type of person to be the first one to start talking to someone plus i'm told i'm intimidating to approach. but thats really beyond my problem, my problem is my bf not friends and i much rather get help with that then anything to do with meeting new people which is almost impossible for me to do considering my circumstances, its really hard to explain but just trust me on that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:55am

Your issue is with your boyfriend but I also feel if you put yourself out there to meet new people it will be something for you to do instead of sitting home depressed over the relationship.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:36pm

You are right that there is no ideal age to get married, but at your age the likelyhood of that working out is very slim.

There are other things that you should be thinking about than that, like getting a career and an education first. I know that sounds crazy and all, but I almost did something similiar, and I'm glad I didn't. I know that the top thing on your mind is to drop everything to go and be with him. It might be great at first, but after a while, you WILL be unhappy. Think about this, would you rather go into a marriage or serious relationship with some kind of education, a good paying job, and feel good and secure OR would you rather drop everything to marry this guy, get some $6 an hr job that will go no where, with no education, be pregnant or with a child, welfare, parents disowning you, and no feeling of security from your family, yourself, or your BF/husband? You could be worse off in that situation, but right now...you're exactly where you should be. Work on you right now, just enjoy life, and don't be worried with such things.

The distance thing I can understand, but be realistic in this and know that it's not going to last for forever. There are better men out there and that are close by. Once you start working on yourself, bettering youserlf, and once you get to a point where you are secure, then you are ready for that next step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:40pm

Y'know, I've always respected your advice, as for the most part, its great advice, even if given bluntly, however.........regarding this:


"Your issue is with your boyfriend but I also feel if you put yourself out there to meet new people it will be something for you to do instead of sitting home depressed over the relationship."


I have to say, being a shy, not so social person myself, this is bad advice. The OP has already stated that she's not the type to go meet new people, and that it's hard for her, so why would she start now, while she's hurting over her r'ship? She wouldn't.


The next time someone says they're not very social, are shy to meet people, or it's hard for them to meet ppl because they are shy/not social, don't suggest they go out and make new friends. Being shy or not a social person, isn't something you just "change" or "stop doing"....like if it's an addiction. For some of us, it's just a part of who we are....a part that never will change. For others, it's something you can get over by becoming more confident in yourself.


I was told

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:39pm
I know how you feel. I was married at 19. I would not advise anyone to get married while so young. No matter how in love you are. You need to find out who you are as a person fisrt before you marry. it sounds as if you are depressed I urge you to try to talk to a councilor even if you only attend one visit. Is this your first relationship? This guy is your world I have no easy answer for you it will be hard. It may take you along time to get over him. Look at it as being his loss not yours you'll be ok just hang in there. Yeah its hard meeting new people. You are young enjoy your youth while you have it. Don't try to grow up too fast you'll reget it when you are 25 I know I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:51pm

I am not a social person myself but the reason why I suggest this is because it helps me. When I am around up beat people then I begin to feel up beat. I just came from my company picnic and I speak cordially to everyone but seeing everyone enjoying themselves makes me feel good though I am sitting alone. When I am down I enjoy being around others weather I know them or not. I sit at the park and watch the people going by. Some talk and some do not but seeing them and being around others in good spirit versus sitting at home with my problems staring me in the face seems to help.


It may seem I am running from them more then anything but it gives me a break away because sitting home to me makes me more depressed. I just went through this last week and partly getting past it this week. The more I sat at home the more I felt like no one cared and I had no one to turn to. I have a friend who out the blue comes by knows I am a loner but suggested we go walking. Not talking about my problem I do not know if she even knows I was depressed but walking and seeing the kids at the park and families at the pool enjoying life and the weather made me think ok there is something out there.


Trust me, I know about making friends and hard it can be, I use to do it and sometimes find myself trying now because it is something that people seem to think is right. But, for me outside of a hello and goodbye that is about the extent of me being able to make friends. I am ok with it and just learned that me being down sometimes I have to get out of my regular environment in order to see the bigger picture of what is going on versus the small screen in my home and in my head.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 5:12pm

Ah, that makes sense. Although, I know for myself, it'd make me more depressed. lol. So, I guess, the OP would need toknow if its something that may help, even if going to the park enjoying the sun, or whatevers, versus not.

For me, being fake, is worse than sitting at home being depressed. Mostly cuz I know I'm faking it and the others around me aren't, so I get more down.

Interesting. We are all so different. :)

~IDM
It was
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 5:21pm
Very interesting, because I have learned another side of it that never crossed my mind when responding to the OP. Probably because everyone I come across seem to be more social then I and has plenty friends versus the 3 I have and they are friends I've had from 7-15 yrs and don't even talk to them much.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 5:43pm

Y'know, I'm like you....most ppl I know are a lot more social than me. I even discussed this with my therapist. One said, "are you okay with not being as social as them?" and i said yes, so she said, "then tell them you're different and to deal with it, and not to push you to be like them"

I laughed. Cuz most people do try to make me like them. Go out, make friends, be in the presence of other ppl all the time, etc. As you said, you like to be in the presence of happy ppl. it helps you be happier. me being in the presence of anyone but close friends, drains me, and even if i do enjoy myself, afterwards, its like they all sucked the life outta me. lol.

which could be a good thing, because then i am too tired to care about anything else. hehehe.

we learn something new everyday.

~IDM
It was

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