Dazed and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Dazed and Confused
2
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 1:29am
Okay, here's the situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We've known each other a long time and he's always been wonderful to me. Never cheated, never abused, etc,. I was his first everything. (kiss, partner, etc.) We've talked about getting married and all that stuff. The best man in the world everyone would want. You're wondering "what's wrong with this girl?" Here lies the problem. Six years ago, I had my first kiss, love and broken heart by the same guy. Over the last six years, we've tried to be together but one of us is always taken when the other is available. We've always loved each other and it's been a love/hate relationship at times. We just can't get over each other. Well the week after my current boyfriend asked me out, he decided to ask me out. He didn't know about my boyfriend and was heartbroken. He tried everything to get me to come back, but I couldn't just leave this other guy. I was going through a huge depression and had just quit the "party scene" a month before and was struggling with that. I didn't think my childhood sweetheart could take it. So I denied him what we both wanted like a fool. Last year, he started dating a friend of mine. Not my best friend mind you, but someone I talked to a lot and grew up with. He didn't know I was friends with her and she didn't know he and I had a past. Six months ago I found out they were sleeping together. That almost killed me. I always looked up to them because they said they would wait until marriage to do "that". Over the last 8 months, I've written him letters unknown by my boyfriend to the other guy spilling my guts, and sometimes just talking about random things. They're just for me, not for anyone else. Well, my childhood sweetheart found 2 of these letters and knows some of my deepest thoughts. I met up with him in person and told him I still wasn't over him and asked if we still had a chance. He told me he was going to stay with her and possibly marry her. I don't see how that's going to work out because he's leaving for a university 5 hours away soon and her parents do not like him at all. Talking about marriage and actually doing it are two different things. I want a chance at happiness. I'll be taken care of and have a plush life if I marry my boyfriend. I do love him, but we don't have fireworks. I'm really confused because my child friend gives me secret looks and I catch him looking at me. I love him deeply. He always asks my friends about me wondering how I am. I know he still loves me, he just feels obligated to her for some reason. He's lying to himself I believe. I need some advice on how to approach this. Should I leave my boyfriend? Should I pursue this or let it take it's own path? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:04am

You need a commitment from two people to make a relationship worthwhile. I know you have strong feelings for your childhood friend and perhaps he's even given indications to make you believe he has equally strong feelings, but his actions, from what you describe indicate that he is NOT on the same page as you. He's going to marry someone else and he's told you that he's going to stay with her. There's no sign from him that he's serious about you.

As hard as it may be for you, I think you have to get over him. I don't know if this means you should stay with your current boyfriend. It sounds like your feelings for him are pretty weak and that you're settling for him more than anything. If this is the case, it doesn't seem fair to your boyfriend.

Now it may be that you and your childhood friend are madly in love and meant to be with each other. But until he starts showing some serious intention of getting out of his current relationship to be with you, I think you're better off moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:18am

I'm a guy and i agree w/ Santbarbchick - your current guy is just a "guy", your former guy is your 'man'. He's deep into his thing and he's told you so and regardless of how the logistics are going to work out for their relationship, they're going to try to make it work. The fact that he's moving far away may open an opportunity for you, but he'll be far away from you, too, right?

It is hard as hell to do, but it sounds like timing didn't work out on this one...at least not yet. I' married, and I've met two other women in my life that I absolutely could have married if I hadn't met my wife - total crush on 'em, they dug me, LOT of compatability, the whole thing. The great thing about life is (I believe) there is more than one person out there for you...not thousands, mind you, but also not just one. Meaning if you don't find that guy, you're relegated to spending the rest of your life settling for 2nd or 3rd best.

Your current guy isn't the guy - I'd suggest starting to maybe disegage that one. Certainly keep tabs on your other man, 'cause you never know how timing will work out, but I think you do want to start to chill on the pining away for him...lot of obstacles in the way there.

Why'd you guys break up in the first place if you dug each other so much, anyway?

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life