these recurring doubts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
these recurring doubts...
6
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:38am

Hi, please offer me any advice you can. Ok, I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months (we're both juniors in college.) From the very first day we began dating, I have been head-over-heels for him... yet I've always had some nagging feelings. Here's the big ones:

1. I am a very open person. He, on the other hand, keeps so many things under wraps. I've begged him to open up, but some things he just can't let out (i.e. his grades aren't as good as he would like and when he gets upset about them, he just keeps it inside.) The problem w/ this is that his stress comes out in other ways (see #3) and then I can't help him in any way b/c he won't share those stressors with me. I feel like I need to be with someone who can open up 100%, or it won't work in the long run.

2. I am a very grateful and "deep-thinking" person. For example, I like to look up at the stars on occasion and I tend to just be grateful for everything. I like to appreciate the little things in life and I am always thinking about things much bigger than myself... not necessarily in a religious way, just "deep issues." I've always pictured myself w/ someone I could share those kinds of thoughts with, but he gets uncomfortable when I start talking about anything deep. He can have a serious conversation, yes, but if I were to ask him to go sit by a lake with me and just look out on the water for awhile, he would probably laugh in my face.

3. Our sex life was great for about 4 months and then I said something that really hurt him (that, of course, was not my intention.) That was about 2 months ago and since then, it has been hard for him to be physical at all. We discussed it the other night and he said he's just in a "funk" b/c of work and summer classes. He said his stress level is high and he just doesn't like showing that weak side. He was a little bit drunk and crying when he told me this b/c I was so fed up with being rejected, night after night. I asked him "how long will this funk last" and he said, "if you need a time frame, we're not right for each other." I promised him I would be 100% patient, even if it took years.

I guess those are the big ones. We want to be together forever, and we've talked about how well our lives would mesh together... three kids, both of us are in school for (hopefully) successful careers, house in texas, etc etc. But sometimes I can't help but think, are certain things considered "deal-breakers?" I am so madly in love with him, and he with me... the thought of ending it makes me nearly get sick. But since about the 4-month mark, I just keep thinking.... maybe it's not right?

How do I know?

Thank you for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:35pm

I think you have to ask yourself, are you dating him for kicks and giggles, or for a serious partner leading to commitment and marriage?

I'm guessing that it's the second, or else you'd have a more ho-hum reaction to it. Well then you've got to ask yourself what the point of serious dating with the intent of leading to commitment and marriage is. The point is to discern character, integrity, and compatability in the man. It's only been 8 months. Eight teeny weeny little months, and things are quickly spiriling down. It started to go down after only 6. While it's true that a real adult relationship isn't always sunshine and roses, and a relationship worth being in is worth working on, that is reserved for minor pettiness and annoyances, not red flags. (biggest red flag I see is the fact that you believe he'd laugh in your face for asking to spend romantic time with him) When you've got the red flags you've got, it's better to see them for what they are, as early as they have, and call a spade a spade. This is not husband material. This is not father of your future children material. You are not having "recurring doubts", you are having your intuition tell you he's not it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:22pm

It sounds like when you all talked about the "funk" he was in, he was bascially telling you that he can't handle the relationship. Whatever you said to him about the sex stuff must have messed with him bad to not want to have sex with you. If you haven't fully explained yourself on that issue with him, I would do so now. If he can't understand it or accept your side, then move on.

One of the things I have found with men is that unless they want to volunteer any information to you, don't try and force it out of them. All you can really do is keep that door open to him (or whomever) to let them know whatever is on their minds, that they can talk to you. Bottom line, he's a man....he'll talk to you when he feels like it, forcing the issue only makes it worse!

When you talk about "we want to be together forever", is that something that you all talked about before you started having problems, or after? Also is this something that YOU want, or is it both of you? You are having these doubts for a reason, and there are signs that you need to pay attention to. If I were you, I would have a talk with him, ask him what his deal is, and if he wants to continue having a RL with you. Just remember, that us as women tend to sacrfice our needs and wants, and makes tons of excuses, and in the end, we suffer. DONT make excuses for him and his behavior/problems and put it all on your shoulders. You have wants and needs, and if he can't fullfill them, there ALWAYS someone else better who can!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:43pm
If you have that feeling that maybe its not right then maybe it isnt. I feel that communication is the key to a successful relationship. If he can't talk to you then wh0 can he talk to. You should think about that
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:36pm

Meddreams, from what you've said it really sounds like this guy isn't right for you. Like others have said, I think your recurring doubts are your intuition saying "this isn't right." You sound like a person of depth, an upbeat, caring, pretty together person. He sounds fragile, depressed, and insecure. I suspect that this "funk" is something that is pretty consistent with him. When you started dating, the infatuation period probably lifted him from his usual funk, and now he's coming back down to reality and recognizing that the relationship with you is not going to change who he is. When you asked how long the funk will last, and he said if you need a time frame you're not right for him, what he's really saying is "this is the way I am. Take it or leave it." If I were you, I'd leave it. What the future holds is you having to walk on eggshells and not have any problems of your own because he is in a "funk." It really seems from what you've said that you need to be with someone who is more similar to yourself, who shares more of your positive qualities.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:09pm

A couple of years ago I heard a high school kid say that he'd been told that most people know who they were going to be spending the rest of their life with by the time they graduated from college. So to test that hypothesis, I listed the name of every single person I knew who at the time of graduating from college, was already either engaged, married, or already telling their boyfriends and girlfriends that they'd knew they'd be together forever to see how many of those couples were really still together. I was expecting it would be the minority, but even I was surprised by the results. I listed 20 indiviuals (or couples if I knew both of them). Out of a list of 20, only 2 were still together. And this was only five years after we had all graduated from college! Bottom line is if you're saying you know you want to be together forever while you're in college, the odds are against it working out.

And to be honest, when I looked at what failed in most of those relationships, it actually sounds exactly like what you're describing. Everybody fell head over heels "in love" and based their decision to get married on those feelings of passion that come during the early honeymoon phase of the relationship. They sat there with goofy smiles on their faces thinking how "romantic" it was to be to falling in love. But then after the initial honeymoon phase of wore off, they discovered they were missing a deeper type of connection that was needed to sustain the relationship.

What holds the relationship together after the initial honeymoon phase has worn off probably differs somewhat from couple to couple, but it's generally the very type of things you say are lacking in your relationship- the sex, the ability to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings with one another, the tender little romantic moments you can share together. Speaking from personal experience, those are the type of things that come to mind when I think of what it means to love my boyfriend of almost six years. I won't lie. It's not as intense as the romance that you feel when the relationship is brand new. But that's the type of love that lasts over the years. And that's the type of love that makes some of the initial passion come back every now and again when you've been together for over five years.

If you're really not sure yet at this point whether your boyfriend may or may not be the one, and you want to see how things turn out, then I say feel free to stick with it for now and see how things turn out. But it's too soon in the relationship to be talking about marriage. There was a study that found that whirlwind romances where couples decided that they knew they were getting married after just a couple of months of dating usually end in divorce, and that for these couples who had the whirlwind romances, the MORE passionate and in love they were, the HIGHER their chances of ending up divorced were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:38am
It sounds like to me you really do love this guy. And you want to make things work and spend your life with him, but a few things are missing. And yeah they wouldn't be a big deal, but you have been able to actually put them into words, that shows that they are something and that they obviously bother you. You want him to be more open minded and open up to you more, and you want him to maybe more of a deep thinker or more intellectual, right? Well honey, he probably won't become those things. And you have to decide whether it's worth it or not. The same goes with your sex life. I can tell you are really in love, but would just like a little icing on the cake to top everything off. personally, I have had doubts too, but mine pretty much consumed me...you have to decide if you can live with them or if you think you can find better. No one can tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself. Maybe talk to him about those issues, see what he thinks, maybe you aren't doing some things he would like you to do, you never know. But communicating would help, you say you want him to be open, well you need to be open and tell him that this stuff is bothering you. Well good luck and hang in there, hope some of this helps.