Why did he call my friend??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Why did he call my friend??
9
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 4:24pm

My friend and I were out at a bar one night. We saw a guy that we both found attractive...we even jokingly laughed about if we were "in competition" for him. We all ended up hanging out and talking. At the end of the night the guy asked if I wanted to hang out. My friend ended up yelling at me because she said she liked him, but I did, too! I've been in situations like that where the other friend "won" and I was bummed, but it was just some guy!
So the guy spent the night at my house..I didn't sleep with him. He stayed over until 8pm the next day. We had a great time talking about all sorts of things. He called me the next day and a few days later I asked if he wanted to hang out. We did. Fast forward to now (which is about almost 3 weeks). My friend is finally starting to talk to me again, but she tells me that he called her a week after I met him. He called her work, after hours, and according to her he left a msg asking my friend to call him. She said she never called him, but she went on to say how disgusting and how much a creep he is for doing that.
This broke my heart to hear that he did that, but I asked him about it and he admitted to calling her, but he swore that it didn't mean anything. Since then him and I have spent a good amount of time together, did dinner, hung out, etc. We have plans for a date tomorrow even! He's one of the nicest guys I've met in awhile, but I can't help but think about how he called my friend. I'd like to think my friend is looking out for my best interest, but she's e-mailing me saying how I deserve better because he shouldn't have called her at all. I really don't know what to think.

Should I just shrug it off and continue to see him? I don't want to become neurotic and question everything he says and does. Is my friend just being selfish or is this something I should really pay attention to? My friend wants to call him herself and act casual to see what he'll say, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 5:30pm

I think you're putting a lot of stalk into something fairly insignificant that happened early on before anything mutually exclusive was agreed on. Why'd he call her? Who knows. Maybe he wanted to see if she was interested. Maybe he had two lovely ladies flirting with him, and he decided to see which one actually thought he was worth the effort of dating. The two of them didn't even talk now did they? He just left a message for her to call him, and she never did. So maybe he was calling her, someone he knows is a friend of yours, for some information on you. Doesn't matter. You got him. Now it would be different if he was continuing to call her. Or he was giving major player vibes. But you don't state so, so I assume that isn't the case. It's been a whopping three weeks, this is what's called moving too fast. Expecting loyalties not yet earned or deserved.

Calm down. Take a deep breath. He hasn't betrayed you or breached your trust. There isn't anything to freak out about on this that you've written alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 4:17am

LOL. Your girlfriend is trying to make you mad enough to dump him. Then he'd be all hers.

Assuming you're American, he's done nothing wrong. He's free to call or date anyone until you've agreed on exclusivity.

However, if you're an Australian I would give different advice. (We date differently to you Americans!)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 8:09am
You've piped my interest... What advice (and why) would you give for Australians?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:27am

Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

At this point I'm mainly upset with my friend. She's the reason why I posted because she put so much doubt in my mind and I started to feel insecure and question him. I did find it odd that he called her, but I didn't care until my friend started saying that I shouldn't talk to him anymore. It was just a message! And I fully agree that it is way too early.

I want to just forget about it, but my friend is being persistent. She came over my house last night and was upset with me that I didn't care about it. She told me she was going to call him anyway (after I asked her not to) to see what he wanted. That makes me very uncomfortable! Him and I are going out tonight, do you think I should warn him?

This is just ridiculous and I want her to mind her own business but she won't listen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:36am

Ekdubbs,

I'm Australian too and just for the record, I think this whole dating multiple people, exclusivity thing is wrong and I'd never put up with it in any country I lived in. Regardless, my advice is the same. This guy is basically playing your friend and you against each other and you're falling for it. A nice guy does not do what he did. He doesn't care whether he comes in between your friendship and he called your friend behind your back. I'm sure he would happily dated both of you if your friend played along. He didn't make a choice between you and your friend. He chose you by default because your friend had enough self respect not to take his phone call, If she was the bad friend you are making her out to be, she would have gone out with him even just to spite you. This guy is a creep and you're willing to sacrifice her friendship for some person you don't even know. You don't want her to call him because you're afraid of what he's going to say. I know you're looking for validation so you can keep on dating this fool but I personally am not going to give it to you. You tell me out of you, your friend or this guy, who is being selfish?

Feisty




Edited 6/17/2006 12:41 am ET by feisty01
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 7:06am

>>You've piped my interest... What advice (and why) would you give for Australians?<<

Following on from my post (and Fiesty's post on #6)...

Australians don't date a few people at a time casually and then later have a formal discussion about exclusivity. For us, we are considered to be exclusive from the outset. Even if you've only been out with someone for a week or two, it's assumed that neither of you is dating other people. And if someone did date others, it would be considered 'cheating'.

So, in America one can casually date more than one person without breaking 'the rules' - but in Australia, it's not acceptable.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:16am
I wouldn't dump him. He met you both at the bar and he also thought you both were attractive and you both were drooling over him. So he thought to himself "why not play both?". He called you and her but she didn't return his calls so he discarded her and went witn you. Your friend is hurt over the fact that he chose you over her, but if she had returned his call he'd have played you both. Instead he is dating you. Your friend is jealous. Unless you have proof that he's not serious I wouldn't allow bad blood from your friend to ruin your deal with this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:44am

She is jealous of you dating this guy, and she wants to sabatoge it and make the two of you break up. This is evident by the fact that she is willing to up the ante and call him, once she learned you weren't angry enough by his calling her.

If she's trying to break you up, she is NOT a friend. That is what this whole experience should teach you. Whether things with this guy work out or not, I would not take her back as a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 10:48pm

Iv_Aisha,

It's interesting how different dating is for Australians and I hope that Australia is not influenced by America's style of dating. Across the board, everyone has said that the friend must be jealous but the friend also had the chance to date this man and refused so what is she supposed to be jealous about? Multiple dating is one thing but surely a line is crossed when a man plays one friend off another? I just don't get that and I'm thankful that I don't have to, living in Australia.

Feisty