How slow is TOO slow????
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| Thu, 06-15-2006 - 8:06pm |
I know this may seem like the same old "does he like me" story but I need some input on my situation.
Last October, my 7-year marriage started to go down the drain and we separated for awhile. During the separation, I found out a guy I had seen out and about was attracted to me and so our friends hooked us up for a double date. We had a good time, but I noticed this guy was really shy and introverted, whereas I'm always the talker and expressive one. Well, needless to say, my situation wasn't ideal for getting into anything serious at the time (since I was just separated) and he had just broken up with someone who lives in a completely different state.
Like I said, he is not an initiator and I started to wonder if I was showing that I was too eager to get to know him, so I started to clam up too. It became this back and forth deal where we would both throw out there to our friends that we were interested in getting to know the other person better, but neither one of us could just step up to the plate! Being the outgoing one, once I got brave and asked him out and he had to work. I may be agressive but I'm also very scared of rejection or being hurt (it's like, I can meet friends very easily and get along well with them but when it comes to a potential relationship interest, I freak out). So, of COURSE I took his "no" as he didn't WANT to go rather than he just COULDN'T go. So, I never asked him out again.
Well, we were supposed to hang out once again with our friends and I heard through the grapevine that his girl was in town for a visit. Of course this didn't really get me too mad because we weren't together, just had expressed interest. So, thinking he was back with her, I left him alone. Then one night, we ended up at another night place and he actually approached me to say hi. We ended up going to a friend's house to party. We ended up riding together and he told me how he had to formally break up with his girlfriend and how she wasn't for him or whatever. Later that night, he approached me and took the initiative to kiss me. He then asked me to meet him the next day to watch a game and when I did, he hardly spoke one word to me! Of course I didn't speak either because I automatically presumed he didn't want to talk anymore and that maybe he thought the kiss was a mistake.
Well, December rolled around and my estranged husband and I were spending a little more time together since it was X-mas and we have a daughter and wanted to share the time with her together. By this time, I had kinda given up on trying with the other guy anyway. Well, on X-mas night (the 25th), my "ex" and I were assembling some toys for my daughter still at 11:00 PM and my phone rings. It's this guy calling me on X-mas! Well, my "ex", who still wanted me back, flipped out and told the guy off. I was mortified and my "ex" apologized after that saying that wasn't his place. This guy tells me it's ok and he'll call me that week to go out, and he didn't (I don't blame him). So, I see him a week later and he calls me at 3:00 AM to see if I got home safe and to see if I would want to hang out for New Year's Eve. I had already made plans with friends so I couldn't just back out. After that, we didn't talk for 3 months or so.
OK, so I've been seeing him out all this time and we just say hi in passing or whatever. I catch him looking at me all the time but neither of us speaks to the other very much except casually. Well, in March I'm leaving the bar and I get a text message from him asking why I didn't give him a goodnight kiss. Of course I'm getting frustrated now because of this back and forth. So, we've gone through this for a bit more and just last week, I sent him a text because a friend and I had just been in a fender bender and needed some help and knew he lived close by. But, another friend of ours showed up and so when he texted me back, I told him we didn't need the help and everything was ok. So then he asks me why I never want to see him. I respond by saying I thought HE didn't want to see ME. Well, in the end we learned we were giving mixed messages and we are both still interested and want to hang out. And I'm not with my ex or anyone.
Are we both chicken or what??? I would really like to get to know this guy better but I'm not sure if either one of us can get past our shyness to really just go for it. As the outgoing one, I feel like I could just swallow my pride and do it but I'm still shaking in my boots. I spoke with him today (yes I called him) as I was leaving work and he asked me what I was doing after work. I had a meeting so we couldn't hook up today. But it seems like that's always the way things work for us! We both express interest (although sporadically) and then when it looks like we're getting some guts here, we both chicken out if the other doesn't go for it first! Or, the situation just plain doesn't work out because the other one is really busy or has already made plans. We're both busy and work a lot but why does it seem like "bad luck" that the few times one of us asks the other one to hook up, they can't? I asked him, and he couldn't. He asked me, and I was busy (even if I really wanted to go!). Sometimes I think the powers that be are just against us!
What should I do and what does this whole charade sound like to you?

Wellll...I don't buy that a guy who kisses you when you're out and about is all that "shy" (especially one who hasn't yet "officially" broken up with his girlfriend, if I'm reading your post right!).
I think he's just not all that interested...he's only somewhat interested. But if he DOES call you and ask you out, and if for some reason you're busy for the date he asks you for, then why don't you say, "I can't do it that night, but either Friday or next Wednesday works for me". If he takes you up on it, then perhaps he really is interested.
Sheri
Thanks for the reply!
Well actually, when he said that, a month had passed since I found out his gf was in town. So I left him alone for awhile and when I saw him a month later, he said he had needed the time to tie up loose ends with his girlfriend by formally breaking up with her. So, by the time all this happened (the kiss, etc.), he had already broken up with her. Besides, why tell me that? He knew it wasn't a big deal if he had been seeing her or not since we were just friends.
Also, according to his friends, he's just shy like that. But it's also hard to read this guy. He might not be that interested in any RELATIONSHIP right now. I feel that he is interested in me, but just not too interested in all that comes with meeting and hanging out and "getting to know" another person. He's enjoying being the single, free person he is right now and that, added to the fact that he's shy anyway, makes it less important to call and hook up with me for a date.
I've pondered this as an option (you know, some of us just overanalyze things for fun!). It might explain why he's not running up to get things going with me, yet every time we end up getting the nerve to speak or initiate a conversation, he asks if I'll have time to go out, or when do I get out of work so we can hang out, or why don't you ever call me, or I wanna talk so don't get me wrong, or blah blah blah! By this, it would sound like he IS interested in getting something together but then it just doesn't work out. From the outside, it looks like my actions show that I'm not "all that interested" either since I'm not breaking down his door to go out! But I'm the one on the post expressing my feelings so you guys know how I feel, even if to him it seems like I don't want to talk to him like he said. When I told him it seemed he didn't want to see me, he responded by saying he couldn't understand where I was coming from since (according to him) he had always said he wanted just us to hang out alone, without our friends around all the time. And that when he had tried to talk to me at a bar, I'd just walk away quickly. And my friend told me that too - that I seemed really cold because he was chatting with me and I just walked away after saying a quick, "hi!" So, maybe he DID get that message and has said what the hell. I don't know - I see it one way and maybe he sees it the other way and so we both just dropped it. But who knows?!? This is what has me confused.
Gosh, it just all sounds so difficult! You know, I empathize because I'm dealing with a guy right now who is also rather introverted and hard to read. I'm more introverted too, so I've been trying to be somewhat understanding. But I'm finding it really frustrating and ready to give up. I guess for the most part my feeling is that if a guy is really interested, you know it for sure and you don't have a problem getting together. I think what Sheri said is good advice ... next time, you could try pinning him down to a particular date and time you *will* get together. I can understand not wanting to appear too forward (I've been feeling that way too in my situation), but it gets to a point where you feel like, hey, either we're moving ahead with this or we're not! It does kind of sound from what you've said that he may just not be in a "relationship" place, so he is kind of ambivalent about whether or not he sees you, even though it's pretty clear he does have a thing for you.
Thanks for the helpful replies - I know everyone has their opinions about a post and each reply does help sort through some of this weirdness!!
Right - I agree. If someone is really interested NOW, then you just know it. And that's why I believe he's going about it with a "whatever happens" attitude. On the one hand, he tells me he wants to get together and feels like I've been the one putting him off. But on the other hand, he's just not "there", if you know what I mean. And I've seen in other posts that sometimes, for whatever reason, it's just not the right time for someone. It's nothing personal, but it's just not the right time. And maybe that's why I continue to go along with our deal here - it hasn't really been the right time for me either with my marriage breaking up. In October it definitely wasn't right and now, while it's more right than it was then, it's still important to move slowly. And so while I like him and have something for him, and sense he likes me and has something for me, it could just be that timing has been off for us. Actually, lately (for the past month or two), I feel like we've been on the same wavelength and that we're being more open with our communications. He has been more open with me about admitting that even if we both thought the other person didn't want to talk, that he does want to. And he actually asked me out after work today, which he has never just up and done before, even if I was busy with work. Even our mutual friends who know how withdrawn he can be mentioned that wow, HE actually said that?!? But still, we'll just have to see. I need to take everything slowly anyway since I've always made the mistake of jumping into everything head first and not really "feeling a person out" before moving forward and then being disappointed that the guy I'm with is a real jerk. So if anything, it's a good lesson for me to take one step at a time.
Yeah, it could be that both of you have been sort of in an "unavailable" place and you are both inching toward being more available. That does happen sometimes, it's happened to me in the past. Probably because you are in a more available place now, that's why you're starting to wonder what's really going on here, whereas when you were still fresh out of your marriage it didn't bother you that much. And going slowly is always a good thing, I think. Well, good luck with it! Keep us posted!
First off...are you officially divorced?
Secondly...you really shouldn't jump into a new relationship of any kind so quickly after ending another one...you need time to get used to be single again...to put away the emotions and thoughts and feelings from the one so you don't pull the baggage with you into a new relationship.
Third...in order for any relationship to work you have to have COMMUNICATION. If its not there, your wasting your time...sounds like that may be a problem here...