He's Now A Non-Communicator-HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
He's Now A Non-Communicator-HELP!!!
1
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:45pm

Hello all,

I know this is long but PLEASE bare with me

Today makes it exactly 4 months since me and my bf have been together. I know, I know 4 months is not a long time,but we've been friends for 6 years. To make the "how we became bf/gf from friends" a short story from a long story, im just gonna get to the point of it. He wanted to go with me, I wanted to go with him. We eached had SO, so obviously we couldnt be together. Eventually i went with his best friend, he went with my ex-friend. Outcome:He had a baby with her. His friend was my first. Neither one of us are attached, so we started to go out(he asked me, which took him forever lol).

Now that all the hoopla is out the way, let me get to the problem i'm having. Before we started going out as bf/gf, he would be concerned with how i was doing and so forth. He's not much of a "on the phone" talker so he would just always send me text messages. In the messages he would ask me "how you doing", "how was school"(since im in college), "when you gonna see me?" and even ask if i missed him(which i did). I liked that he was finally showing me that he cared even if it was in a friend way. Finally on Valentine's Day, over the phone he asked me would i go out with him. I proudly accepted since i've been wanting him to for so long. He was in Tennessee at the time when we asked me, so i had to wait until he came back to see him.

After he came back, we started to play the "boyfriend/girlfriend" role, such as hugging,kissing, and all that other cutesy stuff. Well for the first 2 months he continued to tell me all those messages that he did before and even started calling more often, which i liked. Now ever since April he's been acting very distant-ish. He doesnt send me those type of messages no more, come to think of it he doesnt even send me any messages. He doesnt call or anything. Now its like I have to initiate a conversation with him(i.e. calling and texting). I dont expect to talk to him EVERY SINGLE day, but i dont ALWAYS wanna have to be the one now to communicate with him. It use to be 50/50 with communicating and now its more like 95/5 with him(me being the 95). It just doesnt seem like were being bf/gf anymore, but right back into being friends. He would always ask me before when im gonna come over and now its like he doesnt even care if he sees me or not. Im the one now that has to ask him "you want me to come over tommorow?" Now that its me calling and texting him all the time, i feel that he actually ignores me. He never answers when i call, only when he feels like and God forbid he responds back with a text message when i text him now.

I told me last weekend how i was feeling about him talking to me more as his friend before and less now that im his gf. I also mentioned to him that i sometimes have a hard time noticing that im even his gf just from the way he acts toward me, making me not feel like we together. He said he didnt know i was feeling that way and that's not a good way to feel and that he was sorry. He said he's going to try and show that he does appreicates me and acknowledge me more as his gf since i have a hard time noticing sometimes. I havent been seeing much changes in his behavior, but i guess it just takes time. Im planning on seeing him tomorrow, so hopefully i see some changes in how he acts. I know he's a busy person working and trying to benefit for taking care of his son, but i wanna feel like im an important apart of his life too, instead of wondering if im even there as a friend. So my question is:

Should i always have to mention to him that im not feeling wanted and wait for him to change or just end what we have now?
Should i continue to initiate conversation even when he doesnt as much?

I just dont know what to do since i still wanna be with him, but i just want him to act like how he did in the beginning instead of so...so...less connected with me. I really would like some advice on this since im not sure what to do. Thanks in advance.

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:16am

I don't know - it sounds to me like he's having one of those "moments" where he has to reassess where he is with you and where he wants to go. The honeymoon phase at the beginning of the relationship always feels good - everyone talks to everyone and blows kisses and is all excited all the time to be with the other person. It seems like you're on cloud 9. But then, that all ends and the next "phase" of a relationship starts to set in. Some people can accept this as an awkward, but natural part of relationship transition and just go with it. However, other people see this fork in the road as something really uncomfortable and may even start having doubts about if the person they're with is really for them. After 4 months, even though it's not a long time, he has had time to get to know more about you and you him. And so your relationship has been progressing. But then you get to a point where it's either time to take it up a notch, or end it. And you'll see several of these moments in the progression of a relationship as it moves to deeper and deeper levels of intimacy. Some people can do that and their relationship lasts. But others just cannot get past a certain level with someone and so it ends. Unfortunately.

Anyway, I would suggest not blowing up his phone or anything or getting all emotional with him. You've already spoken with him about how you feel and he's aware. Your best bet is to keep doing what you're doing in your OWN life - going to college and preparing for your future - and if he wants to be around, he will. It's hard but we cannot control other people or their feelings - we just have to leave that up to them and they will decide. If you're going on with your life and taking care of #1, then he'll be around if he chooses, especially if he sees that you're independent and don't really depend on him for your happiness. But if he doesn't want to move to the next level of intimacy with you, he might move away and in that case, you must know that you have a lot to offer yourself and someone else and that things will work out for the best eventually, even if it's with someone else.