broke up to realize he's the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
broke up to realize he's the one?
9
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:15am

I have been having a tough time lately. I have been thinking about my ex, now it hasn't been long, it's only been about a month, but for us- thats like a lifetime! lol

I think I have the wrong Idea of love first of all, I think the media and TV and all that definitely impacts us. That's why I think my relationship got f*cked up. He was my first boyfriend ever. I never really liked him at first but we made a relationship happen. He soon fell in love with me, and I just wasn't so sure what to think! I mean I have nothing else to compare it to, except movies. I just always had doubts and nagging feelings that it wasn't right. But I'm wondering if those doubts were foolish and immature. I wanted to be "crazy" about him, and that just never really happened. I felt comfortable and safe with him though. I have hung out with guys that I go crazy for, because I fall fast, but I think it is just lust! I mean none of them have the great qualities that my ex has, he's determined, cares for me, would do anything for me, helps me out and makes me a better person, we have fun, I like his personality, good sex- good chemistry, good compatibility...I mean I guess you are probably thinking what went wrong?! LOL...well I really don't know. He would get jealous a lot, but I think he had every right to be. I mean I never reassured him that he was the one or anything, and I was constantly breaking up with him and going back, of course he would get jealous. Another thing was that he is clingy. I want to spend more time with friends, and sort of "long" for him, if that makes sense...but I think you could work on something like that, you know by deepening the relationship. It's just hard because I read these posts and I have heard about couples that think they are perfect, then they divorce! It's like, is there any hope? And then you hear about perfect couples like Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, and you wonder if it really is magical or if they are normal and have doubts and issues too.

Lately I have been thinking about him though. It's only been about a month since we broke up. I pretty much got over him and didn't think about him at all! Probably because I had been ready to break up with him for so long. And then came a time where I think I just missed the idea and the thought of it, or what it "could've" been. I don't know for sure. And now I think I actually miss HIM, his personality, his laugh, being around him, how we connect and can talk about anything. It's weird, I thought this would never happen!

I think I am the type who takes things for granted big time, and with him, I did that. Plus, I am young, I really have no idea what I am doing and I am just beginning to learn what love and relationships are like. Like I said, he is my first boyfriend. So I think when I broke up with him, it was partly due to me wanting to date around and see what it could be like with somenoe else. Well, I have talked to other guys and have been really attracted to other guys, but It just feels like I could never have what me and my ex had. But then I think, what about all those doubts and problems? But I seriously think I just went about it all in the wrong way. I have given myself time to think, for once, and I am thinking that he has a lot of what I want. I just don't know what to do. I have thought about calling him just to say Hi and how ya doin, stuff like that. he did that to me a few weeks ago, and nothing more than that. But I feel like I change my mind so much, shouldn't I be completely sure that he is who I want to be with? or could it be possible that I am young and just don't know what I want. Because I really don't even know what I want in a guy! but since I have broke up with him, i am learning that he has a lot of what I want. I will see other guys and hang out, and if they have a certain characteristic my ex had, i like it.

but I am also really scared. I am scared that if we do try at things again, those doubts will come back, but then again i don't know, i really do feel like i wanna try and just see if maybe i have matured a little, or should i give it more time. It's hard though, i am not patient AT ALL...i am very impulsive, very. I think i will call him today...because that is what i feel i want to do. but if anyone has heard of (besides the notebook, lol)..of anyone that broke up with someone only to realize they were the one?

just any advice please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 11:01am

precious2be...

PG thought your post was rather lengthy, but here's his take on it:

ALL FIRST LOVES ARE DRAMATIC & TRAUMATIC!

Many women want to believe that 'the first time is the charm'---but it most cases, IT'S NOT! You gotta test drive a lot of cars before you choose the right one. The same thing goes for relationships. I'm not suggesting that you fall in love with 2 or 3 dozen of us, but give yourself permission to make a lot of FRIENDSHIPS!

This way...you'll have the option to figure out what qualities you genuinely admire in a man...and which of our "bad habits" you'd like to avoid!

I sense that you have a stronger desire to "be with friends" as opposed to having a permanent partner? Soooo...GOT WITH YOUR INTUITION! When your true "Mr. Right" is ready to enter your life....trust me....HE WILL!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:02pm

Yeah I guess so. And I would have to say I really am enjoying this time to have fun with my friends and meet new guys. It's been great. I think that I just miss the closeness and just having a boyfriend in general. I am used to always having someone there for me and I want that again. I definitely am learning about what I want in a guy, and my ex has shown me a few things I want and a few things I don't want. I'm glad that that brief feeling passed, and that I am back to realizing that it's not right. I do that a lot though. I mean heck, I did that for months with him and just kept going back. But this time it has been a few weeks- which is long! before I have thought about going back, but I am stronger now and know that it's not right, well at least getting there ;) so I will keep on doing my thing.

I tell you what though, I have experienced so many emotions it's not even funny. It is so hard to be used to having a boyfriend and everything that comes with it to being done completely, it is so crazy. It's also weird to picture yourself with someone else because you were used to someone else so much. Attachment is what it is, and it is a very powerful thing! Sometimes I wonder if I will date around and realize he is the one..years from now I mean. But I just hope I will find someone that will make me completely get over him and realize what it really is supposed to be like, and until I just wait and live, lol.

Ang I guess I don't know if I could consider him my first love or not, because I never really fell in love with him, I care about him, but that is really it. Isn't your first love the person you deeply love and are crazy about?




Edited 6/16/2006 12:04 pm ET by precious2be
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:42pm

I have the same exact story, and basically, my conclusion is don't go back. You'll just break up with him again.

Here's my parallel. The guy in question chased me for a year before he finally got me, and we stayed together for 3 years, the longest relationship I've had. He was beyond perfect, he was almost superman. He was smart, ambitious, adventurous, patient, open minded, physically hot, funny, sweet ...
He let me live in his house for free, called me several times a day, made stuff for me and fixed stuff for my parents, picked me up from school. My family loved him and his family loved me, we took a lot of trips together by train/plane/motorcycle/car etc. He was in love with me, left me cards, flowers around the house. He was my best friend and own personal cheerleader. He was a little jealous if I talked to guys but not overbearing. Other women wanted him but he was 100% faithful.

So why did I have to let him go?

I had no lust for him. I learned to love him, he grew on me, but truthfully I always wondered what else was out there. He wished I initiated sex more, but I just didn't feel like it. I also had little patience with him, which is what happens when I have no lust. I never cooked, rarely cleaned, did little for him except yell at him, run away, and make him cry.

We broke up almost 4 years ago, and haven't really had a serious relationship since (you're probably thinking cause I'm a bitch, but I'm really not). When I'm lonely I think about how great he was, when I backpacked through Europe I wished he was there... when I was in Puerto Rico with a distant man I wished he was there. I think maybe I was young and stupid and just wanted to sow my wild oats. Now that I can do that I think I don't want to anymore! So I regret all the things I didn't do, and regret being such a cold, uncaring bitch. I wish I could get him back but a month after we broke up he met a girl on matchmaker.com and they got married. But then I got proof it would have never worked out.

I met another guy who was great on paper, and even sweeter to me than the last guy, though not as cute or successful, but still above average. If I read my boring shopping list he would go buy everything on there. He did whatever I wanted and made sure I was happy. But then I broke up with him for no reason. 2 years later I think about the guy and wonder why I did that, maybe it's cause I wanted to sow my wild oats! But now I'm done and want to settle down (of course). So I call him up, and he is willing to get back together, having just gotten out of a 1 1/2 yr relationship. 2 months later I am annoyed again! And I have to break his heart again. I am so nice about it he thinks I'm joking.

The moral of this super long email is you remember the sweetness but you forget the lack of feeling. I can list all the great "on paper" ways guy #1 and guy #2 and miss it, but unless you're THERE you don't know how bored or annoyed you actually are. Don't recycle, trust yourself and what you didn't feel.

One of these guys that you are crazy for, that you have lust for, will like you. I met a guy last year, it was lust at first sight, I stopped breathing. 5 seconds later I learned he was only here for a few months on a business trip on Russia so I knew it would be a fling. Plus he was an international player. He's actually the 'distant' guy I went to Puerto Rico with. He can be distant sometimes, but not all the time, and this lust is better than boredom. With him I do everything for him, expect nothing. I'm a completely non bitchy and act non clingy. It's almost a year later and we're still together. He's met my family and I've gone to Russia and met his family. He wants me to go again next month but I'm going back to grad school and don't have time. It's hard to say if we'll be together in the end like he says, I'll be in school for 4 years, but I know this is better than complete boredom.

Have a life you can write about later! Wouldn't it be boring if the girls in Sex in the City just had one sweet boyfriend and that's it? Oh! That's another example... Aiden vs. Big. And we all know who Carrie would be happier, though more on pins and needles with.

I support your choice! Go out and find your Big!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 1:34pm

I will say. I may not have broken up with my guy to realize he's The One, however, I did realize, he's the one that makes me happiest. So we got back together, and then got married.


HOWEVER..........


during our time away from one another, we did a lot of growing. We did a lot of soul searching and individual growing. I gave him time and space as he requested, and he gave me an answer (if he was willing to get back as I was the one that ended it, and he was scared to get hurt again, can't blame him right?).


When we got back together, we then worked on our relationship. We read books, we talked A LOT about what changed, what we expected, and we LIVED what we changed/learned. Our r'ship is a complete 180 from what it was for the past 3 years.


So, my advice to you is this.........think about what you really want, and even imagine a life with someone else, who may be like your xbf was/is. Work on yourself. Why would you stay in a r'ship if you didn't feel anythign for the guy? Why do you have a need to go back to him? are you just seeing the positives, or are you seeing the truth? Look deep inside yourself. Change yourself. Before even asking him to be your friend, or bf again.


Because, if you two get back together, there has to be BIG change on your end....to sustain this r'ship in a good healthy way.


BTW, I felt like you, in this r'ship. However, I do feel as though my now DH was always my best friend, and he made me laugh all the time, and I love being with him. No, I'm not all gaga over him, nor am I totally off the wall attracted to him. But, we work on the r'ship all the time, we learn how to make it better all the time. We have fun together. He's the best thing that has happened to me, even if I don't get that vavavoom. But it was my choice to live my life like this. If you NEED that chemistry, leave your xbf alone. If you NEED to feel a lot more, than what you ever had with him, then let him go. I'm not saying settle, but I know what I chose, and I'm happy where I am.


I have a "happy ending" (at least so far), after having broke up and gotten back together with someone.

~IDM
It was
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:09pm

I think I've said this to you before, but my advice is along the same lines as IDM's.

I think you need to be alone for a while, and perhaps get some counseling in the meantime. I think you'd mentioned at some point that you had an appointment--how did that go? Are you continuing?

Take *at least* 3-6 months without contacting your ex, work on yourself to be the best person you can, and see how your life is without him. If at the end of that time you still feel he's right for you, then you can revisit things with him. If it's meant to be, it'll work out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:39pm

Hey Piano guy let me start by saying I love your posts! I feel you (as well as Sandra)give sound advice to a lot of us here & are very genuine. It's great to get a mans perspective since most of the posters here have the same opinions when it comes to relationship issues. Out of curiosity,how many cars did you have to test drive before you found your lover(s)? I have plenty of friends who are in long term relationships or are married. Although 1/2 of them aren't completly happy, they choose to stay since they are scared of "what else they might find" which I think is absurd. I'm a dying breed amongst my group since I'm recently single after 2+ yrs of dating/living together. I don't want to "settle" simply because of the length of time I committed to my past relationships nor am I fearful to see who life will introduce me to next (Hence being in 3 serious relationships over the past 9 yrs).The break still aches a little since he was a good guy however his lack of financial responsibility coupled with a pinch of peter pan syndrome was the ultimate deal breaker. I've since moved on, as best as I can thus far, but my biological alarm will be sounding in a year and I'm a little worried that I might find myself continually hitting that snooze button if I have a few more cars to drive before finding that special some one.....

Still missing my spell checker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:28pm

rehina22..

First...a very LARGE and SINCERE "thank you" for your compliments about the PG posts.

.

As I've mentioned in several earlier posts on various L&S boards, I joined ivillage to try to find a few answers as to why marriage #2 ended after a very brief 15 months? What began as the happiest moment in my life (a sunrise wedding ceremony on a beautiful July morning accompanied by the sound of ocean waves) ended when I discovered that my (now former) wife was having an affair during the first year of our marriage!

So while trying to figure out what I did wrong to drive her into another man's arms, I began to meet and connect with several ivillagers who had questions I could easily answer! For the past 5 years, I've made some terrific friendships---while trying to 'provide a suggestion or 2' to women who were convinced that ALL MEN WERE SCUM! Or only interested in JUST ONE THING?

I'm not sure about the number of 'cars' (your term) that I've "test drived in the past"---but I DO KNOW that I'm slightly more cautious before getting behind the wheel these days? It's not that the right model (aka lady) isn't out there for me? But hoping to find her has taken me much longer than I expected? Perhaps the possibility of getting hurt again is one of the reasons I'm a little cautious? As hard as it might be for some ivillage ladies to believe, there ARE men who would rather live alone---than share a life with a woman who enjoys being a bully, complaining about everything, or has no desire to be loving or affectionate? "Sharing the same living space" ISN'T all that appealing to most men.

Anyway...here are a few 'male thoughts' when it comes to the subject of settling:

1. If a person (male or female) has ANY DOUBTS AT ALL about going into a relationship (or a marriage) with a person he or she isn't completely comfortable with...DON'T GO THERE! Simply because half of the relationship-time will be spent looking for a flaw, a red flag, or expecting the partner you're supposed to be in love with...TO SCREW UP!

2. If you have a GREAT FRIENDSHIP with someone, but can't see it going to the next level...DON'T ATTEMPT TO MAKE THE JUMP! Sometimes 2 people can get more 'trust and security' from a GREAT FRIENDSHIP than attempting to convince each other that they're perfect partners who are 'meant to be together?' Anybody can 'think' they're in love with one another---but whether they actually are or not----who knows?

3. Don't compare a former spouse or companion with a current one. This is what many 2nd and 3rd time 'marrieds' do...and they end up FAILING a 2nd and a 3rd time! Making comparisons between 2 people isn't fair! If there was happiness in the first relationship, there wouldn't be a need for a 2nd?!

4. I think there are men (and women) who have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE when it comes to handling money or assuming financial responsibility. This leaves the 'monetary cautious partner' with the choice of controlling the finances and paying the bills...or seeking out a totally different partner who is more responsible when it comes to paying bills and balancing a checkbook? Keep in mind that even the 'best financial wizards' can easily screw up if they forget to make one entry in the check payment register! .

5. As for your "biological alarm clock"---maybe you need to decide if a child or two will make you HAPPY? Single parenting (without a male in the picture) is often preferred by a lot of women who are financially stable! Adoption isn't out of the question either. Especially when a woman doesn't wish to experience 9 months of mood swings, bloating, morning sickness, and all the other 'fun stuff' connected with a pregnancy!

6. What you need to HONESTLY ASK YOURSELF IS..."would the addition of a man truly make me happier...as opposed to remaining single? And if so...can I accept the responsibility of relinquishing my 'single status' in favor of sharing my life with somebody else?"

Hope these thoughts help you....at least a little?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 11:55pm

Hey PG,
I'm a nice lady....or shall I say young women... for some odd reason I relate the word "lady" to an older female unless it's a sweet song sung by Lionel Ritchie then the word just makes me all mushy inside ;) But I digress....
Sorry to hear about your ex...that had to be a toughy to get through... what conclusion did you come to for the demise of your marriage (was it any of the 1-6 things you stated below?).

I came to this forum 2 months ago since I had many o' sleepless nights after my break. I think my restlessness was caused by the empty bed as well as the financial burden I was about to be confronted with unexpectedly. So I drank tea & read almost every darn post on these boards to distract myself & feel better since I knew I wasn't alone in this crazy world of relationships. It's funny you mentioned some women in here thought men were scum since I've seen more of the opposite. Most women here are questioning why their SO doesn't love them, how they can get them back, or how to deal with the no contact thing. Although my past relationships haven't been ideal (shocker why I'm single again), I can't imagine catergorizing the males species as bad, heck my father, brothers, & most male friends are outstanding men.
"As hard as it might be for some ivillage ladies to believe, there ARE men who would rather live alone---than share a life with a woman who enjoys being a bully, complaining about everything, or has no desire to be loving or affectionate?" I cannot agree with that statement more!!! Not to toot my own horn but I was none of those things...spirit lifting, optomistic but also realistic, goal/family oriented, emotionally/financially mature, ambitious, etc. Maybe that's why the 1st month was so hard to comprehend for me since I do believe I'm a good catch. I graduated from car anaolgies to fishing, great. But I finally accepted the problems w/ my ex stemmed & developed from his innability to control his finances after countless promises to "work on it" went unchanged. He lived beyond his means & put us in jeopardy all almost every month for 2 yrs. The bi-monthly talks became tiresome not only for him but me too. I tried doing the "right thing" and never chastized him for his irresponsibility or innability to earn more $$ although we're in the same profession. My old Dale Carnegie book surely helped me in many $$ talks with him since I did not want him to feel like less of a man or "a faliure" (his words).I was hoping to inspire & give him a cheerleading section within me but it just didn't work out as well as I planned. So there you have it, a little tidbit about my not so successful relationship.

Your 1-6 list was great & did help a little....I agree with all but # 5. I'm a old fashioned gal & mayb one day I'll change my opinion but I still see myself having a child/children, whether adopted or from my belly with the man I cherish in my life, my future hubby. Single parenting is an option but I'd rather have someone sharing the joys of parenting with me and raise our kids in a loving enviroment with two parents.

Your list surely shows your maturity & you sound like you have a great deal to offer your next partner. Well wishes that your wait will be over soon & you'll meet the right lady for you!

Well now that my restless nights are over, it's time for me to get some z's.
Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:54am

rehina...

Thanks once again for your very nice compliments and words of support.

Pianoguy can completely relate to your Lionel Ritchie tune. "LADY" was a HUGE HIT during the days when PG was 'spinning lps and cd's' for various radio stations throughout New England!

And I'm sure you're a very nice LADY as well?

The sleepless nights you spent in your empty bed (along with the 'tea drinking') I can ALSO relate to! It's often part of my current lifestyle whenever I pull an unexpected ALL-NIGHTER!

Here's my take on "the male species!" Some are better socializing in short doses--while others have no problems making a lifetime commitment to one woman! This doesn't make one type of male better than the other...UNLESS...a promise of a life-long partnership has been seriously made.

One of the good and bad qualities most women possess is their ability to NOT LET A MAN FORGET ANY PROMISE HE HAS MADE! The trait is GOOD because it keeps us on our toes before we commit ourselves. It's BAD when a lady is constantly 'nagging us' to follow through on that promise. .

Based on my two marriages....one of which provided me with 2 sensational sons (although it would have been wonderful to also have a daughter or two), I think women have different views when it comes to how many and by what means? Natural childbirth is the preferred choice, but (sadly) not every woman is physically capable...or is up for the 9-month challenge of carrying a child? This is probably the reason why many women choose to adopt?

I sincerely hope your dreams of having a child or two of your own come true?

Just be sure that you find a man who is "on the same page with you" when it comes to 'rugrats' as well as how to support them......emotionally, as well as financially!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy