I think I've lost my sense

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
I think I've lost my sense
4
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 2:20am
HI,
I haven't been here in a while, but I'm back. So much has happened. I now have a 5 month old little girl. I'm not sure who her father is. I was raped, but I was in a serious relationship at the time. My relationship fell apart. He thought my baby was his, then I told him about the rape and then he thought she wasn't his. She was born and she was a very dark baby. The guys who raped me were dark. My ex-boyfriend and I are both pretty light. I saw him tonight and showed him a picture of her and he wants to see her when I'm ready. I thought I was so over him, but he hugged me and I didn't want him to let go. I've had such a rough time these past few weeks. My brother died 3 weeks ago and I just found out that my cousin and his wife died a while ago now this. My ex was my first love. We went through so much together. He is a bad boy in every sense. BUT when it comes to me he was always different. He was a completely different person with me. I know that he wouldn't hurt my daughter if she turns out to be his, but I don't like his family. Thy are a bunch of loud mouth partiers. He has two sides. He parties with them when I'm not around, but when I'm there he was always the protective type. I'm so confused. How can you love someone who has nothing to offer you? My future with him would be just that. My future, not ours. I'm in school and he wont go back. I'm studying criminal justice and he's headed for being a criminal. I love him, but I hate what he is about. Makes no sense I know. Can somebody please talk some sense into me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 4:00am

Sweetie, it's sad what happened to you, I'm sorry. Are you in counseling to help you get through the rape issues? If not, then get counseling as soon as possible. It seems that you want to succeed, you're in college and such. Your ex is an outlaw but he could be the father of your baby. To be sure and get the doubt out of your mind and his get a paternity test. If you know the rapist press charges against him. That dirt bag should be in jail.

Now that you have this baby, your priority is her and not you or your ex. It's her. Think about the role models for her....will this ex of yours be a good role model for her? Will the environment be a good one for her to be raised in? If the answers are "no" then move on. You seem to have the drive to improve your life and with this guy you'll only be going down hill. If she is his child then get child support from the courts. She is your priority now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 12:32pm

I am sorry this has happened to you. I can fully understand what you are talking about with the ex. Though my first love was not who I had a child by. But, I was just looking at a picture of him and wondering what could have been and what should be with him. But, the reality is he came from a different home life then I (lots of brokenness and jealousy). When I stayed with him he always shielded me from the crazy home life and things. But, it was so different. As I tried to work and go to school he was all about hanging out and partying. He always talked of the things he wanted in life and for our future.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:51am
Thanks for your advice. It's so hard, because all I have to do is think of him and then I want to be around him. I know that life with him is not the lifestyle that I want. I have tried to explain to him the differences in our lives, but he doesn't understand. He thinks that I should not have a problem with his lifestyle or his family. He says that if my daughter is his then he wants to be a part of her life, but he is not pushing the matter. He's waiting till I'm ready to find out. Truthfully I'm not sure if I want to know. I don't know how I ever let myself fall in love with him. No matter who I find, I always end up missing him and wanting to be back with him. It's so hard. I met him when I was 14 and I will be 26 this year. We have been together on and off again all this time. It seems such long time to just walk away. This just has to get easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:42am
Over time it will get easier.. Just take baby steps now to focus on you and your daughter.
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