is she just a friend??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
is she just a friend??
4
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 9:58pm

Ok, so I haven't posted in awhile, cause things between my guy and I have been going very well. Been dating for almost 15 months, about 3 months ago he told me he loved me for the first time. A couple nights ago we talked about marriage and the future for the first time. So I was excited to see that we were on the same page. Although I should say that even though he has said the "I love you" and is completely sincere about it, he still says we're not "boyfriend/girlfriend." I guess we're still "dating." Exclusively, cause I've told him many times I won't date him if he dates someone else; I'll be out the door. I never really understood that, but I've also never questioned his love for me.

Unfortunately he's one of those guys with lots of female friends, and I'm the jealous type. Most of his friends I have no worries about, because they don't spend undue amounts of time together. But there is one girl who has surfaced a few times throughout the relationship that is causing me a lot of distress, and he isn't helping me out at all. Tonight I noticed her online and looked at her profile, which said " get better so you can come back..i miss you" ( he has a chronic stomach disease and is currently back home for treatments) I called him and told him about it, and he kinda blew it off and told me to just stop looking at her profile if it bothered me. I told him he needed to tell her he was dating someone else and he said he didn't see why he should, or why it was such a big deal to me. I told him I would say something to her if he didn't, but he told me that would be childish of me, then he said "I'm dropping this right now" and starting asking how my day was, etc. He said he was allowed to have friends, and that friends could miss him. I don't think it's appropriate for her to be putting that kind of thing up, and I really want to say something to her, since he obviously doesn't want to.

Even though I love him, it makes me question whether I can trust him or not. I tend to think that he must be doing things to make her think that it's okay for her to put that up, like he's leading her on and not keeping it strictly friends. I do know there are girls out there who can take things the wrong way and think someone likes them just because they talk to them. But I just wonder which is the case here. He said he hasn't even talked to her in like a month...don't know if I believe him or not. In every other way he treats me well, takes care of me, etc. But I told him I won't date someone that's dating someone else, and he said he's not dating her.

Do you think I'm overreacting? What would you do/feel? Should I tell her? (Although I think that would make things worse, I really just want to put the little bitch in her place, ya know? :)

All advice appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:29pm

I can't help wondering if some of your jealousy is sparked by the fact that, after 15 months, he's still saying "we're not boyfriend/girlfriend." Maybe on some level that is causing you to think he wants to "keep his options open" by not clearly defining the relationship (even though he's said he loves you). I think that would bother me, after 15 months. I've noticed in my relationships that when I've felt recurring jealousy, it usually has less to do with any particular woman he's in contact with than it has to do with doubting the guy I'm with on some level.


As for this woman, I do think it's a tad strange that she has that up on her profile. Now, I do have a couple of male friends who I don't see very much and when we email occasionally we say "I miss you." There's absolutely nothing going on between us (they're both married). It's just that we're good friends and we miss each other. But I'd trust your gut on this. If you don't trust him fully, I'm sure there's good reason for that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:46am

You are totally and completely on target with that. I think most of the trust issue I have comes from not officially having that label even though he treats me as a gf in every other way. I'm taking a lot of flak on the other boards for being with him this long without the label, and it bothered me for a while, but then I look at how he actually treats me, and everything about it says "gf/relationship." I've met most of his family, we spend most of our time together, and the "i love you" was a big thing, cause he's only said it to one other girl(she ended it right before he was gonna propose, about 2 1/2 years ago). So I know he means it, and doesn't just toss it out to practically every girl he's ever dated. I felt like that was a huge step in our relationship, especially since he was so hurt by her leaving. Our relationship has been a slow, deliberate build-up that gradually became more & more serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:27am

Oh how I can relate. I am dating a guy who literally has over 50 female friends and at least 25 close ones. I have been where you are with the questioning the other women’s motives. But, I have always brought my thoughts to him. A matter of fact just last week, I had some concerns about a friend that I thought was a little too friendly and did not acknowledge my existence. I talked to him and he was more then willing to show me where his loyalties are. So, for you I would suggest you talk to him about where this is going and know why you are considered dating versus being in a relationship after 15 months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:15pm

I don't know that what she said was really inappropriate. I might say the same thing about a friend I was concerned about. I think what bothers you is the lack of a label. I'll be honest with you, I have, in the past, not been big on labels myself. I am very slow to commit to a guy (in several previous relationships) and I dated one for over 2 years and refused to call him my boyfriend. I wasn't comfortable forecasting into the future, as I was going through a lot of transition at the time, and a label felt like a promise to me. I was out of a 7 year relationship (at 27 I was going through a divorce) and I knew I wasn't in a place to be making a committment. At the same time, we did everything together, knew eachother's friends, celebrated holidays with family, etc etc. I always treated him kindly, and in every other way we were BF/GF. I was honest about my issues and concerns (he had a few of his own), so I didn't feel guilty about it. But, if I'm to be truly honest, I knew from very early on that this was not the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I loved him despite the issues, but I just knew we would ultimately not be compatible. At the same time, he provided me with certain things I needed at the time. I always cared for him, but I also always knew it would come to an end. I DID want to "keep my options open". Perhaps it was unfair, but it was where my head was at the time. When I got to a place where I was healthy and over my divorce, I had to let him go, and it was hard and painful (we are still friends though), but I knew I could never marry the guy, so what was the point?

Anyway, I can't speak for your guy, but I have since gotten into a relationship with a man I love to pieces in a healthy way, and I knew very early on that he was someone I could be with and I am totally comfortable with a label (and was after several months). I really think there is more to it than what he is telling you (although you didn't actually state his reasons here, so I wonder if he's given you any). After 15 months, you should be his girlfriend. I don't care how he treats you. It's a public statement of his feelings and atleast a basic assurance that he's not looking around the corner (although we all know he still can, but you get my point). If this guy loved you in a healthy way, in the way that you deserve, he would want to shout from the rooftops that you are "his". Men are territorial and he wouldn't want you to have "options" either. I know you love him, but he does not appear to be so committed to you. Or, at the very least, he has some serious issues he should be admitting to and addressing. If I were you, I wouldn't accept this situation. Spending time with a guy who won't even call you his girlfriend keeps you from finding someone who will be proud to call you his. Don't settle for being "Miss Right Now"...hold out for the one who knows you're "Miss Right".

Good luck.