Should I Stay or Cut my Losses?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:33pm |
Hi all,
I'm new to the boards so I hope you guys can help me out.
I'm currently in a 4-month relationship with this guy, "A". We're both 30 yrs old (actually he's still 29, turning 30 in August. Not sure if that's relevant..)
Things started off a tumultously for us. A brief background: We slept together before the exclusivity discussion. I then I found out (actually he told me when I asked) that he was still seeing other women (albeit not sleeping with them). Not only that, I slept with him on our 3rd date (and the 2nd week that we've known each other) - not sure if this is important at all since i've read plenty of articles about making a man wait and him not having any respect for you or see you as long-term material if you have sex with him too quickly.
Of course the fact that he can still date other people after we've had sex hurt me a lot. I know i was naive of me to think sex = exclusivity/relationship. So I tried to break it off with him; I told him I'm not the kind of girl who can have an open relationship or both of us date around after I've already slept with him. I told him that I needed exclusivity in the relationship but since he was still seeing other women after we slept together, it didn't seem like he wanted the same thing as me and for us to go our separate ways. Suprisingly enough, he said that he's been thinking about becoming exclusive and that we should give it a try.
So fast forward to 4 months later. I thought things were going well between us. I've invited him to a lot of the things I do with my friends (and he's come to all of them), they like him a lot, etc etc. I've met and hung out with his friends (his guy friends)quite often the first month we were dating, which caused a lot of problems since I was encroaching on his space and needs to be with his friends only. We had a talk about that and it seems like we resolved the issue. I now do *not* hang out with him and his friends when he does guys night with them -- he doesn't do it as often, perhaps every 2nd or 3rd saturday. i've noticed that he tends to "balance" it out -- if he spend the previous weekend with me, the following weekend he'll go out to bars or clubs with his guys. But then again, he hasn't invited me to hang out with him and his guy friends either (and it's been over 2 months)!
Lately, we've had fights mainly because I feel like he's not integrating me into his life the way I have with him. My friends & I do more varied things -- like BBQ at someone's house, camping, canoeing, hiking, etc... while he and his guy friends still do the single lifestyle - bars and/or clubs or parties. He said this is why he hasn't invite me out with them -- because they don't really do anything different. I'm not asking him to invite me out all the time, just once in a while. He did invite me go out to a club with them 3 weeks ago but I had already make plans to spend time with my mom that Friday evening (and he counted that as an 'invitation').
So I thought that things have been going well with us. But I found out just last week that he is having relationship doubts. He said "There are obviously reasons to stay together but I don't feel any deep connection that I'd like to." He actually didn't tell me this, he said it to a friend of ours who forwarded the email to me. Yes she shouldn't have done that but she thought it was serious enough and that I didn't know. she was right. She also told him that its a risk leaving someone and how nice it is to have someone in this world and that deep connections are nice but takes years to find.
"A" is a very private person. He's not really open and is very guarded about his feelings. It's only been recently that he's been revealing more of himself to me and discussing things that I know he probably would've never told me early on.
But I'm still reeling by what he said. It feels like he's already pre-empted himself that things with me aren't serious, won't progress since he doesn't feel a deep connection. But he spends so much time with me, we do a lot of varied things together, we have deep conversations... and yet he doesn't feel a deep connection? I'm confused! I feel that its too soon for him to want a "deep connection" after all we've only been dating exclusively for 4 months.
Should I still keep seeing him and giving our relationship a chance and try to establish a "deeper connection" with him (not even sure how to do that!) Or should I cut my losses and move on? I really don't want to break up with him -- he does have many things I like in a man (and in a partner) but I don't want to waste my time (and his) with someone who can't seem to establish (or doesn't want to?) a connection with me, whatever that means. I thought we had some sort of a connection, why else would he continue seeing me?
I scheduled us to have a Talk this coming Saturday but I don't know if that should be the break-up talk.

caligrrl3301...
Your post was V-E-R-Y L-O-N-G!
But PG can sum it up in one sentence:
When any man has doubts about his desire to keep a relationship going, it's usually an indication that he wants to END IT!
You said in your post that "A" is a private person. So even if the 2 of you ended up together, do you TRULY BELIEVE that he would completely relinquish that privacy he's comfortable with? He might expect you to be less talkative or social with your family or friends?
Anyway...
When you have "the talk" on Saturday...make it clear that you're taking a 30-day break from him. This means NO phone calls, emails, text messages, etc. Stress the fact that you're doing this in order to give him an opportunity to make up his mind about you, and whether both of you have a committed relationship...or just a good friendship?
PS....keep your remarks BRIEF!
Nothing scares a man more than a woman who keeps her feelings in check and her remarks to a minimum! When you babble paragraphs about every emotion you're going through...we'll eventually get bored and TUNE YOU OUT!
Pianoguy