New Boyfriend vs Ex Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
New Boyfriend vs Ex Husband
3
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 3:53pm
Long story short-I got married very young, with doubts, etc. Obviously it was for a reason though, b/c the marriage produced a beautiful daughter and I learned a lot about myself. We were married 5 years, are now divorced, and are finally to the point we can have a civil conversation. 5 months ago I met the man I am supposed to be with. Everything was perfect, he loved my little girl and me, we had planned on getting married in a year or so, our personalities and beliefs match perfectly, etc. Then, out of the blue, he tells me he thought he could deal with my ex being in the picture but he can't. So we are not broken up. I've tried everything I can to convince him the ex is not an issue. All ties from the previous marriage have now been taken care of and there is nothing left but sharing our daughter, which boyfriend understood. But he just can't get past the part about the "possibility" of the ex maybe causing an issue in the future. I feel like if I'm worth it, that shouldn't be a problem, and we'll deal with it if/when it happens. I've plead my case and now I'm just waiting to see if he can deal or not. Any advice? Waiting is killing me since I absolutely know w/o a doubt that we are right for each other. What's a girl to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 12:56pm

lil2krayzee...

Pianoguy's "loaded gun question" for the day:

Have you ever considered the possibility of letting "the man you're supposed to be with" TALK DIRECTLY TO YOUR EX-HUSBAND?

Perhaps two men having a conversation over a beer or two (WITHOUT YOU IN THE PICTURE) might clear the air when it comes down to the 'new guy' sticking with you (and your daughter)....or just leaving you behind?

I hate the term: "deal with it!" It's basically a kiss-off when an issue doesn't want to be honestly addressed.....and that goes for BOTH SEXES!

Nobody is expecting you to 'change the past'---because THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! But expecting someone who is fairly new in your life to completely 'embrace' and completely understand what has already gone down is somewhat naive on your part, don't you think?

It's the EX that you should approach. If he's willing to talk to the new b/f...let him!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 9:48pm

It's interesting you mention that as a solution, or possible "helper" I guess. Ex even offered to call him, aleviate fears, settle differences (if any), etc. I thought that was a rather ludicris idea, and didn't really mention that part to BF, but hindsight tells me maybe I should.

Also, I don't expect him to just "accept" the past and the new situation he's in right off the bat w/ no issues. I'm just trying to get him to understand that the past was the worst part, is now over, and he missed it, so it's a huge difference now.

I just can't shake the feeling that there's more too it than just the ex. He says he still needs to think about things. (things-plural) What else could there be?

Thanks for the advice by the way. This is saving some of my sanity....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:46am

From a woman's point of view....

Sounds like you both are having doubts. For him it sounds like he's a bit insecure about the whole situation, like he's gotta take a back seat to your ex. For a man to express those thoughts, and to essentially put all of the trouble in your lap is childish. You can't change what happened in the past, you have a daughter by your ex, and for the most part you are civil with him when it comes to that.

But when it comes to your new boy toy, well, if you guys are getting serious or planning to get married, your man shouldn't by worrying about the ex giving problems to him. You should have a conversation with both of them, start with the ex first tell him the deal, ask him to respect your relationship. Then talk to your man, tell him that you talked to your ex, and as long as your ex can respect your RL now, your man shouldn't have a problem.

Now if your man DOES have a problem, and gets in a fit about it, he needs to learn to accept you in your situation as it is. Your man should be man enough to deal with your situation and except you as you are. You shouldn't be waiting for ANYTHING! This is HIS problem! So if you want to get down to it, ask him what his problems are, tell him what the deal is and if he doesn't like it...point him to the front door. Don't be a doormat for someone like that, you got bigger and better things to worry about!