don't know if he is still interested

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
don't know if he is still interested
4
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 1:53pm
I will try to make a very long story short.
Basically, I have been married for 20 years, unhappily for 2. We have done counseling, romantic weekends away etc but I just don't love my husband. I told him march of 2005 I wanted a divorce and he begged me to stay longer and work on it more. I did,but I still don't love him. There has been cocaine/alcohol issues and other things in our marriage.
Anyway, I have known his co-worker for 6 years as just a co-worker. Nothing ever even vaguely went on between us. About a year ago we ended up having a conversation about life in general.......and noticed a different side to each other that we didn't know before and from then on, started to be attracted to each other. We ended up spending 6 months having phone conversations, emails etc. During that time we shared hopes, dreams, intimate thoughts etc. Then one night while my husband was out of town, he invited me to his place. We ended up sitting on the couch and talking for hours and holding hands. When I went to leave at midnight, we hugged and he grabbed me and kissed me. We ended up kissing a few times and then I went home. The next day we spoke on the phone and he told me that he felt to guilty being with me because of being his boss wife etc. But he told me that he felt I was his soulmate, how much he cared for me etc. We ended up talking on the phone almost nightly for another month. Then suddenly, he quit answering the phone when I called.
However, whenever I came into his work he was always friendly with me and that is what KILLS me right now. All of this happened several months ago. But when he sees me, he always tries to make me laugh or smile. If I come into his work all dressed up from my job he will comment on how nice I look. Sometimes I come into his work to see my husband and due to what is going on between my husband and I, I will feel a bit down. He will say something to cheer me up and then say "theres that smile" or "theres that laugh. Its good to hear you laugh" If my husband leaves the office and its just him and I in the room, he will purposely try to engage me in conversation. If we are standing close to each other during a conversation..........he can't even look at me. He gets all nerveous and starts looking away, moving paperwork etc. My girlfriends say its because he doesn't want anyone to see in his eyes that he is attracted to me. On top of it, my husband and I almost moved to Florida and during that time, he had told my husband he was thinking of "chucking it all" and moving to Florida also. He has his parents there. Then, our job offers fell through and we ended up staying where we are. So 2 days after my husband tells him we aren't moving, he tells my husband "I am just going to ride things out here and not move to Florida"
So now here is the kicker. He is now living with someone who he works with. He has known this girl for several years and suddenly they are dating. Sometimes I ask general questions when I see him like "so is she a good cook" etc just to see how things are going and I don't think they get along all that well. My husband tells me he doesn't think they will last.
But I just don't know what to make of it all. Why didn't he just explain to me why he couldn't talk to me on the phone anymore instead of just leaving me to wonder?
Do you think he is still intersted in pursuing a relationship with me AFTER my divorce is final end of this year...........or is he just being a nice friend? If he just wants to be a FRIEND then WHY does he make all these comments to me? Its just confusing the heck out of me. I am 41 and can't believe I can't make sense of this all.
Opinions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 2:18pm

vailgal...

Pianoguy (who read your ENTIRE post---even though it was a bit lengthy) has 3 thoughts:

1. The co-worker you're still interested in WAS SINGLE...and that freed him up to date or co-habitate with anyone of his choosing. YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! So why would the co-worker wish to put himself in an awkward position at work....let alone with your husband?
.

2. If you HONESTLY want a divorce...start going through the process of GETTING ONE! Don't do this under the pretext that the co-worker will dump the g/f he currently has and take up with you? Do this because you feel your marriage IS HOPELESS!

3. Whatever behavior you display after your divorce is finalized will have an impact on your relationship with "the co-worker!" Are you willing to put HIS JOB on the line just because you still have feelings for him?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 2:43pm
Pianoguy.........you have some good thoughts.
I am divorcing my husband later this year.
The other person and I talked at length about the implications of us getting together and he said "if you were free and clear I would not have a problem with it"
My main question is, if ithe is NOT interested then why does he continue with his comments. Regardless of this person or not, I will be divorcing due to my own unhapiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 3:35pm

vailgal...

As much of an advocate for marriage as Pianoguy is....REMAINING UNHAPPY JUST TO KEEP A MARRIAGE GOING IS FOOLISH! .

So congratulations on getting the divorce process going. I'll warn you in advance, it'll be tough and frustrating for you...as well as your husband!

What future plans the co-worker is telling you now doesn't mean "diddly squat" until the ink is dry on the divorce papers!!

When you become "a single girl again" (quoting a very old pop hit from a singer named Sandy Posey)...then you'll know if the co-worker's intentions are truly sincere?

Here's hoping he's being honest with you?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:51pm

This is just my two cent. But, just because he is friendly and gives you compliments do not mean he wants to or is willing to date you. Right now he is dating someone but even if you were divorced is he even willing to leave his job because how awkward to date your bosses ex- wife. I mean if every man that was always nice and complimented me was flirting heck I’d have half the city after me because no matter what I get compliments from the opposite sex. Many times it is people I see on a daily basis and we’ve done the regular flirt back and forth but know that is as far as it will go.


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