Not intellectual enough?
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Not intellectual enough?
| Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:54pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years (me 21, him 22) and apart from some non-related problems we are having now we have always had an amazing relationship. I see a future with this man. The problem is sometimes I wonder if he isn't intellectual enough for me. He finished college (same school as me) with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting and now is living in LA trying to make it as an actor. He is very ambitious and motivated and when he gets into discussing topics that he knows about he is very smart and serious. The problem is, I love politics and intellectual discussion; I love reading and knowing what is going on in the world. My boyfriend reads almost solely if it is related to acting (books on acting, magazines, etc.), doesn't really read the paper, and doesn't take too much interest in what is going on in the world. We have a great time together and I never really think about this unless we are apart or a spend some time with some of my intellectual friends. I try to encourage him to read more and all and he says he will but then he never does. Is this just something I have to get over or could it become a real problem?

This is a problem and will be in the long run if this is something important to you. Before I met my current SO I dated a guy who was not into talking politics, and many things he did not know but he will still have a conversation about it and then argue with you for disagreeing. I couldn’t take it. I needed someone who I could talk to on all levels because that is me. I do not like being on one thing to long so I needed someone into these things to keep up with me and I am a professional and refused to be at a dinner party with co-workers and have some like the ex. So, you look in long term and how much it means to you to decide if this is something you can get over or not.
It seems in the way you are describing your BF, is if he's not as smart as you. OK, so he's got his BA degree, and is trying to do something that he loves. He likes talking about topics that seems/are interesting to him. You like reading, being in the political scene, and are interested in topics that are not his "cup of tea". It seems that your social circle influences the way you think about him, and what YOU want him to be. The fact that he doesn't like to do the same things that you do, doesn't make him less of a person.
Bottom line: He's different than you...don't try and change him based on the fact that he's not interested in the same things as you are. This is why people are different. Now if this is a serious problem to you that he doesn't want to talk about political views, or anything like that, then you need to reexamine your RL with this guy.
Think about it, for him acting is great and it's what he wants to do. If he were to get big deals, or go meet people with the same interests, and enjoy himself...do you think that he would be obsessing over the fact that you aren't into what he likes? He's not worrying about you liking anything related to acting...right? So why should you worry that he doesn't want to get into any intellectual discussions with you? If your RL works, and you can find common ground to talk about...then do so.
I can understand if you were to have a high end corporate type job, making lots of money and are around "big" people, and if he were struggling... trying to make it...with no education and no money. That situtation I can understand. But from what I see in this, you are trying to change him. I think this is something you need to get over... it's silly. But if you keep nagging at him to change, you can risk loosing him too.
I found this post rather interesting and feel this is an area that I have some experience in. I too love intellectual discussions. But I have found that it isn't education or field of work that determines whether someone is intellectual or not. In fact, I have met many an artist, including those in theater, that I thoroughly enjoyed speaking to. (There is nothing more exciting than speaking to someone who is passionate about what they do!) And that is coming from a nuclear engineer. I work with fellow engineers, physicists, chemists, biologists, lawyers, diplomats, technicians, secretaries...... I may just as likely have a wonderful conversation with one of the secretaries as with the engineers and physicists. What's more, I have found some engineers or physicists quite dull witted and slow. Of course not all...but not everyone is enthusiastic about their work (or anything for that matter), no matter what their degree is in. Those people are the most dull in conversations.
It is quite possible that this guy just doesn't suit you. But don't let it be because of his field of study or work. For your own sake, whether you stay with the guy or not, try to open your mind to other areas. I enjoy all of the arts, cooking, gardening, astronomy, particle physics, and programming; though I am nowhere near an expert in any of them. I love speaking with people from other areas because it gives me the chance to liesurely touch on fields other than my own. Politics are only one facet in a multifaceted world. By being open minded, you will meet more people; and you never know what bit of knowledge or experience they can give you that will turn out to be invaluable. I bet it makes for good conversation at those political gatherings as well.
In my opinion, there is no reason to sweat the fact that you have different interests and there's no reason to believe that one person needs to complete you in every single way. If you truly care about each other you can embrace your differences and learn from each other.
Also, though you have encouraged him to read more, that may be part of the reason why he hasn’t done it. I have found the more I bug my boyfriend about something the less likely he is to actually do it. Sometimes all you can do is plant the seed. What happens from there is beyond your control. You can’t make someone do something that they aren’t ready to do or don’t have a desire to do.
I think maybe it would be helpful for you to consider your priorities in a relationship. If this is something which you consider a priority then maybe you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a discussion about this aspect of your relationship.
Hope this helps!
In my opinion, it is very important that you find someone with whom you can have serious conversations with about topics that matter to you. It is essential, in choosing my life partner, that I find someone who is not only intelligent, but who also actively learns about the world and continues to educate himself.
I dated a guy once (for way too long!) who was not interested in the world, big ideas, or anything outside his small area of interest. Nor had he gone to college and been exposed to those ideas at least in passing. (And I'm not saying one has to go to college to be intelligent/motivated--I have known several men who didn't go, but who self-educated themselves and were very knowledgable about the world and were able to discuss big ideas with ease). It was very painful for me to be in a serious relationship with him because there was so much we couldn't talk about. It was then that I finally got why men get tired of dating "bimbos"!
So, no, this is not something you have to get over, and yes, it could become a big problem. It is different when you talk about a boyfriend (potential life partner) than just a friend. You can have many friends, so you can be more tolerant of traits in each, but you only have one life partner. So you want to choose someone who you can grow with throughout your whole life.
All the best!