Sibling Striff

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sibling Striff
7
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 7:23pm
My bf and me have been dating for two years now, but for the last six months or more we have been argueing and havent been intimate in even longer. I suspected there was something going on between him and one of his work colleges because every day she worked he came home all smiley and got angry at me if i tried to touch him or get close to him and he made up silly excuses like he had a headache, or we had sex last night (even though we hadnt had sex in months then either!) The whole time we've been together every time i see his brother we get along reasonably well but my partner always got furious saying we were too friendly so now we just avoid each other. I havent felt close to my partner in almost a year now and i feel like its all my fault. I do care about him, but im starting to have feelings for his brother again (who, is usually the type of guy i am attracted to more so then my bf). I feel guilty as if im doing something wrong and i have tried to talk to my bf about all our problems, but he always just gets angry. He hasnt made any effort with my family and they have all made comments that i have more chemistry etc with his brother. I dont want to hurt my bf but it isnt the first time he has 'strayed' (during the first month we were together i found sexy letters between him and a girl he said was "his best friend and nothing more" even though the letters were written during the time we were together -they had dates on them- and were from him asking her for sex. He later denied it and said nothing happened so i had no right getting angry at him for talking to other women). I feel awful and have to see his brother this weekend. I would never cheat on my partner but for some reason i cant end the relationship because i would want to stay friends afterwards (even though wer not that close now). I have no idea what his brother thinks or if he knows and i don't want to tell him incase things got wierd and it hurt anyone. What should i do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:09pm

What should you do?

Break up with your boyfriend. But DON'T EVEN CONSIDER dating his brother. It would be truly bad form - not to mention it would create too many problems.

Just move on from the whole family.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:30pm
thanks. i wouldnt date his brother. i think im only feeling attracted to him because im lonely, iv told some of my female friends who said they think im just looking for companionship anywhere. I do care about my partner but a part of me just wants out! Im very confused about it all, i know hes been unfaithful before, but i want to believe that he wont do it again. Can people really change or am i just kidding myself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 1:44pm
Sounds like your BF might be straying or cheating on you in some form or another. If you two haven't had sex in a long time, well either there's something wrong with him OR he's doing someone else. I would cut your losses and move on. You have lost the spark between you and your BF, so why are you STILL with him? Once you have done that, make your feelings know to his brother...all he can do is say no. Girl. there are PLENTY of men out there for you, go out there and have fun. If his brother doesn't like you, there are plenty who will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 4:06pm

If you relationship is no longer making you happy it is time to get out of it. There's clearly something missing in your relationship, and I'm sure you don't want to live the rest of your life feeling like you do. Realize that you two gave it your best shot, but you're not right for one another, and cut your losses. There are plenty of other guys out there.

If you and your bf split and months from now you're still thinking about his brother, go ahead and tell him how you feel; I have a hunch that once you get over your bf you'll be over his brother as well.

Stop making yourself miserable, get away from this guy and find the one who is really right for you (easier said than done, I'm well aware).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 7:30pm
Thanks. It means alot being able to say what im feeling and get responses back. I do want out, but its alot easier said then done, and i feel obligued to stay with him because hes buying a business in a few months and is under alot of stress (even though things started going down hill before he decided to purchase a business). I also dont have any money if i did leave because he has access to my bank account and recently used ALL my savings to pay off some of his bills. I am going to save up some money first then if things are still the same or worsening i will seriously consider moving out. I am just worried how he will react, so have been thinking of taking the cowardice but safe way and leaving him during the day when hes at work so he doesnt lash out angrily at me again.
Thanks for your advice, i hope things improve or i guess, maybe it is time i cut my losses :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:43pm

Wait a second... he spent all of YOUR money?! And you're worried about leaving him because he wants to start a busienss? Who cares about his business? You really need to put yourself first; change all of your bank accounts right now and get out of there before he takes anymore of what is yours!

Believe it or not, I really understand how you feel right now. Not that long ago, I was feeling trapped in a relationship as well. My ex and I had a decent relationship, he was very nice to me and everything, but he just was not giving me what I needed. I worried about leaving him because I was basically his whole world. I felt it would be too cruel to leave him in this "time of need" when he "was under so much stress." The reality is though, he made the choices that got him where he was, not me. So yes, he doesn't have a lot of friends or family nearby, he didn't have a car so he could drive to see them, he didn't have any money in the bank, etc. Those were all his choices, not mine, and there's no reason for me to feel responsible for them.

You need to keep in mind that he is his own person, he's capable of dealing with stresses on his own, and if he isn't well, then he should have been a better partner and he wouldn't be alone. Either way, his choices, his consequences.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but instead of "considering moving out" you need to just move out, now. I don't see things getting any better; if he is starting a new business his stress is only going to increase, not decrease. What is the point of wasting any more time? Please remember that he is his own person, making his own choices. He is chosing to put other priorities ahead of his realtionship with you, he is chosing to take on the stress of starting his own business, none of these choices obligate you to do anything. If your needs are not being met and you've tried talking to him, now it is time to go find someone who will meet your needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 7:18pm
Thanks. You have a valid point, we had a huge fight last night that lasted til 3am (im in Australia so its 9am now) and we both are working today. But it felt like for the first time in two years that we actually resolved something. I told him about his brother and everything because i couldnt live with the guilt anymore, I think he cried a little but he kept turnign away so i couldnt see his eyes. I know deep down hes a great guy, maybe he just hasnt realised how hes been acting. And i found out that he has never been in a relationship before, which explains alot of things now. We have made an agreement that if by the end of the month we still feel like wer on different planets that im leaving and he has agreed to help (even though he said thats not what he wants). I have spoken to my sister who iv always been close to and we have looked at places in Canberra, so if things dont improve i will move and my sister and me will get a bigger place together there. I know hes been a real jerk over the last few months, but after last night i think he just got so addicted to work that he didnt even notice something was wrong. Also, he has a heart problem which i know about but has no effect o his sex drive, but he has been having a bad diet at work (lots of caffiene etc) which would be putting him through pai (that is his fault though because he chooses what he eats!)
I know that if he doesnt make an effort with 'us' then its final, but i really hope he does because i do care about him alot regardless of what hes done, at least he admitted his mistakes last night (he could have kept lying after all).
Ill reply in a few days if its improving or not