Help - I need more affection!!
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| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:04am |
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 months. He's 29 and I'm 27. In a nutshell, I'm crazy about him and everything between us is great except that I wish he was more affectionate and emotionally expressive with me. My past relationships were much farther advanced at 6 months - by this point my exes would talk about our future and tell me they loved me (granted none of these relationships worked out). More importantly, I am very expressive myself and I'm so in love with him that it's difficult to hold my feelings in. I have no doubt that my boyfriend cares a lot about me (I see it in his actions). I also know that he has to go at his own speed and comfort level. However, it's quite upsetting to feel so strongly about someone and not get the same validation from them.
I certainly don't want to pressure him to move forward or corner him with one of those "where is this going?" talk. Things have to progress naturally. I'm confident that he does really care and in time he will open up. And he's certainly worth waiting for. However, any advice on how to get things to proceed or how to relax until then would be very much appreciated!

missyleigh41...
Question from Pianoguy:
Why are you comparing your past b/f's and their behavior with that of your current b/f? If they were so perfect, you'd be with one of them and not with the man you're with now!
So your behavior is the perfect way to sabotage the relationship you're in!
If you HONESTLY believe that things between you should "progress naturally"---then let the process happen! Your boyfriend doesn't need to relax.....YOU DO!
Pianoguy
Pianoguy,
I do not intend to sabotage my relationship. Like I said in my post, I have no intention of cornering my boyfriend or pressuring him. It is a very common complaint for a girl to wish her boyfriend was more emotionally open. In posting, I am merely looking for a little encouragement from other posters. I did mention my exes (I think it's unrealistic to think people don't compare the relationships they've been in with one another!) but I also said that what is most troublesome is that I am ready to open up emotionally, yet I feel I cannot be as expressive as I'd like to be.
I had posted on this board a year or two ago and remember getting a similiarly harsh response from you. You could certainly stand to be more gentle with posters on this board who come here in need of support.
This could be a "what you see is what you get" situation. You can't assume that he's going to open up any further or get more affectionate...this may just be how he is!
So...if that's the case, if he NEVER opens up more or becomes more affectionate...how long would you stay in the relationship? I think coming up with an answer to that question will help you decide whether you continue to wait and if so, how much longer.
Sheri
missyleigh41...
As PG has indicated on several occasions, you (along with every ivillager with similar feelings) have the right to accept, reject or ignore PG's responses.
After posting on the boards for close to 6 years, I've found that the majority of ivillagers appreciate an honest opinion...as opposed to the "sugary sweet/poor baby sentimental approach" that (I guess) you'd prefer to hear?
Sorry, but if you expect a man to think the way a woman does, you'll probably be very disappointed with the majority of us?
Pianoguy
He just might not be a naturally very expressive person! Many of my guy friends don't like to share their emotions a lot, and they feel like actions speak louder than words. So, the best suggestion I have is to speak with your bf and ask a question/make a statement: first, ask if he is bothered by your expressiveness (if not, then why worry?); second, (and you have to REALLY word this diplomatically) tell him that sometimes you'd like to hear him say affectionate things more - make sure that you tell him that you know he cares about you, and that you appreciate him. He might feel like his actions are what counts, he might say he's just not that expressive, or he might make an honest change. But again, if he is the way he is, you won't be able to change him. Can you deal with that? If so, just keep on keepin' on...if not, you might have to rethink your relationship with him.
Best wishes :)
May I suggest a book for you and your BF to read? It is: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
I am NOT a self-help book person, but someone gave the book to me as a gift, and it is AWSOME!!!
The book talks about how there are 5 primary languages of love, and we all express and wish to have expressed upon us one primary and a secondary love language. The language we may express our love in and the language we with to receive love in may even be differnt. This book explaines what these 5 languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
The book helps us identify the way our mate wishes to express love, and the way they would like to have love expressed to them.
Then, you and he can apply when you learn in the book to keep the others "love tank" full -
Like I said, I am not a self help book kinda person, but this book is AWSOME. I never woudl have walked into a book store and purchased it, but I am eternally greatful to the friend who gave me a copy as a gift. I reference it all the time.
It even applies in other relationships - such as friends, family, and co-workers. Even though the book is written for a romantic relationship prospective, you can apply the knowledge elsewhere.
It may just help both of you get on the same page as one another, which in turn, will help you answer the questions in your post.
May I suggest you go to the local book store or bring up your favorite book seller's web address and purchase a copy?
Someone once used the analogy when giving me relationship advice: A realtionship is like an ATM machine - you can only get out of it what you put into it. If you have $1000.00 in your account, and you keep drawing those funds out with out making any deposits, then soon you are empty, with a negative balance. If you take out $20.00 and deposit $20.00, then the account is still full.
A relationship works the same way. If the other person is constantly withdrawing your "funds" without replenshing anything, soon you are empty. If they take some out, and then deposit some, then you are still full.
The book I mentioned helps illustrate how to keep replenshing the relationship (or funds, shall we?). If you both read it and apply the knowledge learned from it, you will be amazed. (providing there are no FUNDAMENTAL problems in the realtionship)
Good luck with everything.