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| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 11:49pm |
Well, it's been a long time since I've posted on any of the boards, but you always have good advice. Sheri, I notice you on here and you've given me good advice in the past and might remember the guy I'm going to refer to. :) To keep this as short as I can, I dated a guy (no exclusivity commitments, but were intimate) two years ago. We've kept in touch off and on since then though. I really had fallen for him but never shared that of course. Anyway, we e-mail alot and have gone out as friends a couple of times in the last two weeks. Last night, we chatted on the phone as I drove him after we went to the movies and the chat came up about the fact that he's not looking for relationship. (He had even stopped e-mailing for a time because he told me my cousin told him to because he didn't want me to get hurt.) He said things like "If I was going to be in a relationship.." and then stopped. He told me how he has a great time with me, I'm pretty, funny, intelligent, and fun to be around, but he just doesn't want a relationship with anyone. He then noted he's not going ot the movies with anyone else. ( I told him that was none of my business and vice vs. As a note for those reading this, I am dating/e-mailing others.) He likes me and doesn't want to hurt me by my expecting something he just can't give. He said he has a fear of committment because he doesn't want to get hurt (He was married to his high school sweetheart.)He was exclusively dating a girl for a couple of months, but when she wanted to meet his kids and come over for holidays he didn't want that. His actions with me don't totally back up this "friendship" thing. Though he has been more restrained physically, he does still make comments and small physical gestures that you don't do with a "friend." I thin he would go for a friends with benefits relationship based on a chat we had, but I know that would be a bad idea for me. I guess what I want to know is his "I don't want a relationship with anyone, fear of commitment" just a line? I know few men that want to be "just friends" so why is he willing with me? I wa sort of getting the feeling he had mixed emotions with me, but am I just reading what I want to read? I guess I just think I'm just not what he's looking for, but then why bother with me at all? Just a filler for time? Sorry, this ended up being longer than I planned. I just feel a bit down and confused. I know he's a bit egotistical though and is probably someone that wouldn't make me happy in the long run. Unfortunatley, we can't help who we get attracted to.

Hey there,
Well, I'm sorry to hear (for your sake) that this guy is still in the picture.
No, it's not just a line. He doesn't want to be in a relationship--meaning, he doesn't want the *responsibilities* of a relationship. I'm sure, as you say, that he'd be happy to have the *benefits*, though. I'm sure he enjoys your company, and on some level, he probably wishes he *could* be in a relationship with you...but he knows he can't be (or doesn't want be--same difference, really, so far as YOU are concerned), so he's putting you on notice. If I had to guess at his motives for hanging out with you, it's probably a combination of enjoying your company and hoping that you'll decide to go with the FWB thing (with him being able to do so guilt-free, because he's TOLD you that's all it can be).
No, we can't help who we are attracted to, but we can control our actions. The only thing that's going to help you move on from this guy is cutting off ALL contact. Dating others isn't going to help (IMO) because you want him and so you're not really available.
Sheri