boyfriend puts me down about my weight
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boyfriend puts me down about my weight
| Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:22pm |
My boyfriend and I just came back from the store and I bought a candybar. On the way back he drove fast and yelled and swore because I bought the candybar. He said "do you wonder why you haven't lost any weight?" When we pulled into the driveway, he said "its all going to go right here" and he patted my stomach (meaning the fat is going to circulate around my stomach). He had bought me a package of crackers when we were in the store and he refused to give them to me because I bought the candybar. We were visiting friends a few minutes ago and my friend's little girl ate part of my candybar and my boyfriend laughed and called it karma because she ate it. He said it as if I did something really horrible because I bought a chocolate bar.
I'm 25 years old and I don't need to be disciplined like a child and it hurts me that he treats me like this. I feel like crying and I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this and he usually turns the tables on me like its my fault that he's talked to me like this.
When I was very thin he treated me well and I never thought he would be this kind of person and I never thought he would be like this towards me or talk to me this way. He used to treat me like a lady and then when I gained the weight six months ago he's changed towards me a little bit at a time. It wasn't all at once, his attitude gradually turned into this and now its getting pretty bad.
Other men tell me I'm beautiful but my boyfriend doesn't ever since I'm gained weight. I worry he doesn't unconditionally love me or accept me. My worse fear is that I'm going to lose weight and have my body back and he's going to treat me well again. Its a fear because then it will tell me he's superficial and that the reason he will be good to me is not because he loves me but because I'll look good again.
I don't know what to do.
I'm 25 years old and I don't need to be disciplined like a child and it hurts me that he treats me like this. I feel like crying and I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this and he usually turns the tables on me like its my fault that he's talked to me like this.
When I was very thin he treated me well and I never thought he would be this kind of person and I never thought he would be like this towards me or talk to me this way. He used to treat me like a lady and then when I gained the weight six months ago he's changed towards me a little bit at a time. It wasn't all at once, his attitude gradually turned into this and now its getting pretty bad.
Other men tell me I'm beautiful but my boyfriend doesn't ever since I'm gained weight. I worry he doesn't unconditionally love me or accept me. My worse fear is that I'm going to lose weight and have my body back and he's going to treat me well again. Its a fear because then it will tell me he's superficial and that the reason he will be good to me is not because he loves me but because I'll look good again.
I don't know what to do.

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I'm afraid that I can't really comment without more information. While I will agree that what he said was inappropriate, there could be many factors at play causing him to react like he did.
Do you mind if I ask some questions to get a clearer idea of what's going on?
First up, I'll say that weight gain does not happen in isolation. There would be other factors your life causing you to gain weight and these could be effecting your relationship. Or conversely, your relationship could be effecting your weight.
Why have you gone from thin to overweight? What has changed in your life? And what are you doing about it? Is it caused by over-eating and lack of exercise....or perhaps by medications? If you are over-eating, is it comfort eating?
Is any of this effecting your boyfriend directly? Are you complaining about your weight to him?
And lastly, just how much weight are we talking here? Are we talking 5 lbs or 50 lbs? Is your weight gain under control or is it blowing out?
Edited 7/3/2006 3:55 am ET by iv_aisha2004
40 lbs is a lot of weight. What's going on? How has your life changed to cause such a blow out?
I can't help unless you answer the questions that I posted in my previous post.
Edited 7/3/2006 8:48 am ET by iv_aisha2004
I'm a guy and I'm going to admit something here - my wife is heavier than she'd like to be, and she's been that way for the time we've been going out and the 8 yrs that we've been married. At first, I didn't quite do what your BF does to you, but I was passive/aggressive about it b/c I wanted her to drop the weight - not be a Playmate, mind you, but also not as heavy as she was. SHE was unhappy w/ herself and I didn't help the situation.
Over the years, I've grown up about it. I do lapse very rarely and make off-handed comments that end up being really hurtful AND don't inspire her to lose weight. But I have recognized it gets neither of us anywhere and isn't the answer - look, there are plenty of things about each other that we learn to accept. I can see that yes, gaining 40 lbs is gonna make your guy be like "what's going on here?" And it can be an attraction issue, too.
I think the main thing to resolving it first starts with you and deciding if you even want to chip away at the pounds and get yourself back closer to where you used to be...for YOUR sake. Not his. It's not cool if he's only nice to you and loving when you're thinner - he won't take too kindly to you when you get older, either. So that's his issue and yours as to wheter you want to stay w/ a guy like that.
But think about why such a big gain and see if you can set up some challenges and goals for yourself to bring the weight down, little increments at a time. Again, that's for you, not him. For him, you should tell him you'll work on it - and you tell him something he does that irritates you and you make him promise to work on THAT, as well.
Hey, fair is fair. We all work to improve. He's got to do his part, too.
David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life
First, you need to dump him. That's emotional abuse. Regardless of how he feels in his attraction for yu since you gained weight, he can voice his dissent in a more progressive way.
Second, do you care that you're gaining weight? Not saying you should or shouldn't, but you sound like you're viewing yourself as a victim and eating to assuage some sort of pain.
Bottom line, you need to check yourself and how you view yourself. Your sense of worth and how important others are in your world compared to you.
As for relationships, I think you're at a place where you need to date because you want to, not have to. By that, I mean, I sense a little dependancy on a significant other, that you need to critically analyze. You should be dating here and there to learn about yourself and grow as person...strenghten your place in the world, rather than define yourself by another.
I recomend getting your emothions straight, and jumping back in the dating pool with a different outlook. The internet is great. Sites like webdate offer a wide array of people to meet and chatrooms to interact in.
Just leave your current situation.
I get depressed and when I do I eat so I think thats why I've gained so much weight.
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