Should White Be Red??
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Should White Be Red??
| Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:21pm |
Should white lies be a red flag? I've been dating my present beau for the last couple months. I've caught him in a few "white lies." He tells me he's called when he hasn't (my cell phone records all missed calls), he says he's going to pick me up at 12 and when he doesn't come til 1 he tells me that's what time he said he was going to be there, he says he has to work 8 to 2 and the next day he's working 10 to 4. Now, I realize these lies are very small in the entire spectrum of lying. However, how do I know these small lies won't lead to bigger ones? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance! ~Mindi

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I don't consider those to be "white lies" (which IMO are lies told to spare someone's feelings), but semantics aside, yes, I think any lying is a red flag.
Aside from that, he just doesn't sound very reliable. That would be a big turn-off for me.
Sheri
Here's my take on it.
Those aren't white lies, they are lies. "White" lies are telling an untruth to keep from needlessly hurting the other person. This is not the case here, where your BF is just lying to lie. No point, no sence in it. It's not done to spare feelings or keep you from being hurt--contrarily it IS hurting you, hurting your trust.
What more, he lies so easily about these insignificant things. It begs to ask, if he can lie to your face about things that don't matter, he'll be more than willing and able to lie to your face about things that DO matter, and how will you know when he's being truthful?
These aren't white lies, but they ARE red flags, because context is everything.
Good question, very legitimate concern. My sentiments echo those already posted, my response is just going to be long-winded because your problem reminds me of myself.
I've been a similar boat. I dated a guy, too, who would show up extremely late on dates - or even not at all. I sit on my porch waiting for him to come, and he'd never show. No phone call, no nothing. When I'd call him hours later or the next day, he'd say that he was in a bad mood from work and he didn't want to spread that on to me (as if standing me up was any more of a courtesy)and the time we would have spent together.
Luckily for you, you've not been dating relatively long. I put up with the same stuff for a few months as well - mainly because he was the only contestant as far as the dating game went (pathetic, yes I know that now!). After a couple of chances, I just stopped calling him, and that was that. It's been almost 3 years since I last talked to him, and now I have a boyfriend who does call me and does show that consideration, but obviously isn't without some of his own special faults or else I wouldn't be on this board!
My advice: here it goes:
If I were myself now, seeing myself *then* in your similar shoes, I would tell myself to tread cautiously and evaluate all of these little "white" lies. Sure they are small, but true, they could (and probably would) lead to bigger ones. At the VERY LEAST he's disrespecting you and your relationship with him. Which should definitely give you cause to pause. What riles me more, is how just plain discourteous it all is. What kind of a "beau" is he if he shows so little concern for you?
Now, who knows his reasons behind these little fibs, only him, obviously. But I'd say you need to bust him, ever so gently, on all these little fibs (come on, who doesn't own a cellphone and know about the cell phone records - geez!) and see if you can find out the real reason he's doing these things.
Then it's up to you to decide how valid his reasons are for these little trespasses and determine if you're willing to buy into them and continue a relationship where you have to consider the possibility of it being a lie every time he tells you something.
Maybe these little white lies are him trying to tell you something about the relationship. Perhaps he's realizing he's not the one for you and he just doesn't know how to be up front about it, so he's being passive aggressive about the whole thing in order to press you to make the move instead of him. You may need to end up waving the big white flag to his big red one.
From personal experience, it is times like these that is hard to listen to your gut over your heart and your brain.
Good luck!
Edited 7/4/2006 2:20 pm ET by booksandk9s
Mindi,
Unlike your beau, I'm going to give it to you straight. Get out now! If he can't respect you enough to be honest with you, you shouldn't give him the time of day. Unless you believe that you CANNOT do better than this guy, find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Sincerely,
Curt
Well, texts are different animal...they are not at all reliable. So I wouldn't assume that he's lying about those, necessarily.
But yes, I'd have a conversation with him about your views on honesty and how you'd much, much rather have someone be honest with you than lie to keep from upsetting you. But unless he admits to lying, the issue can't be addressed.
I would not stoop to snooping...if you have to do that, then you may as well end it now.
BTW, I think that him saying he loves you when you've been together such a short time is a HUGE red flag, also...are you not concerned about that? He barely KNOWS you, really...how can he "love" you?
Sheri
I didn't read the other replies, but it seems to me that he wants you but only on his own terms. Trust me, you don't want to teach a man it's okay to be unavailable to you. And do you really want your guy to enjoy being away from you?
Having your own space is different because it's mutual. But for him to ask for space by lying about his schedule is something I would not accept.
I think all these girls have great points.
I especially agree with Sheri about the "I love yous". It's a phrase that, romantically speaking, gets thrown around way too loosely. (My boyfriend didn't utter those 3 words until we'd been dating for over 2 years!) Sure you've got your wide-eyed, innocent, head over heals lust that many mistake for love, but - not to be a scrooge- then you have your darker, manipulative, point-of-control "love". And sure, it feels great to our egos when someone tells us they love us, but sometimes it's not for true and it's hard to admit it to ourselves. We are vain creatures, in a sense, and it's hard to fight the ego stroke.
Agreed that you should not snoop on him. Two wrongs do not make a right, cliche as it is, and snooping on him to verify his lies seems to be along the same lines. Be up front with him, because if you decide to continue this relationship, he ought to at least know you will not stand by silently and he *will* be held accountable.
If I were you, I wouldn't stand for it all and I'd cut him loose. It'd be too much work for a questionable reward. Ultimately though, people can tell you a thousand different opinions on what to do, but it's up to you to decide if you want to sustain a relationship where you are inclined to double-check and wonder about the validity of everything you are told. Actions speak louder than words, and I'd seriously consider moving along till you find someone who can walk the walk and talk the talk at the same time.
Acting like his mother is one thing, but expecting him to keep his word is another. If acting like his mother includes demanding respect and courtesy, then by all means, you better start picking out an apron and calling him by his full name.
He'll keep doing this as long as you let him, too. I'd say meanwhile you better find things to do so it doesn't appear you're hanging on his every word and whim. Don't make yourself as readily available. I don't think it'd hurt if you'd "miss" one of his (actual) phone calls, either.
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