Is He or Isn't He?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Is He or Isn't He?
6
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:12am

About six months ago I "met" a man who has actually been a part of the same young professionals group as I have for the last two and a half years. For the first two years he was no more than a face in the crowd. I didn't know him, did not find him attractive and basically had no interest in him at all. Last February we started chatting at a Happy Hour and not long after that were both part of a group overnight trip together. During that trip I started to develope an attraction for him and that attraction has grown with each encounter including his coming to my 27th birthday dinner/bowling party last month. A couple of weeks ago, he and I got together for a drink date where things started off slowly as I tend to become very shy when in one-on-one situations with new people, esp. with men I'm attracted to, but after a bit we started to warm up and ended up having a really good time. Early on in the date, however, he asked me what type of person I'm looking to date..the question threw me off and to be quite honest I flaked a bit and didn't answer the question fully becuase it made me a bit nervous.

A few nights after the drink date he, I and some mutual friends met up for drinks at a local bar and then went to a party that we had all been invited to afterwards. He and I sat together at the bar and chatted and flirted a bit, but nothing too over the top. Our behavior at this point was no different than it had ever been before our drink date.

Once we got to the party, both of us went and did our own thing for a bit, though there was quite a bit of lingering eye contact across the room. Then as he continued to drink (yes there was a bit of alcohol involved in all of this) he became more openly flirtatious and affectionate towards me, wanting me to hang out with him, holding my hand, coercing me into slow dancing to fast songs with him, etc...even suggesting that I cancel my designated driver (a male friend that he seemed a bit jealous over) so that he could walk me home (I live really close to where the party was held, but not close enough to walk home alone after dark, hence the DD). His behavior that night was so suggestive that two of HIS female friends came over on two different occassions and asked me how long we had been dating and what was going on between us. Then they both preceeded to tell me that he tends to run when a girl shows too much interest in him (starts calling him all the time, etc.) and that I should let him come to me.

This was a week and a half ago and I have not heard from him since. So much of his behavior has pointed to his being interested in me and I am confused as to why no contact has been made on his behalf. He is a 34 year old Pharmeceutical Sales Rep. and I know that he travels a lot and this may have something to do with it, but am still a bit unnerved and unsure.

I'd like your opinion on his behavior, that funny little question he asked me during our drink date and why he might have asked that and also what I should do at this point. I am pretty sure that he knows I'm interested or else he would not have behaved the way he has (alcohol or no alcohol) and would think that I should now leave the ball in his court. Esp. considering what his female friends have suggested (girls can be catty where men are concerned and I'm not sure how much to trust them, but I feel that what they have told me about him is not unusual behavior for a guy). I'm also afraid that he might simply be too shy to pick up the phone and if I don't take some initiative then things may never really get started between us, but I'm afraid of scaring him off.

Help please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:24pm

genuinegwinn...

PG's first reaction after reading your post was:

"Have you heard the story about the 34-year travelling pharmecutical sales rep?"

But thinking about your situation a little longer, I came up with the following:

While I think there are definite feelings for you (on his side), they're NOT STRONG ENOUGH to the point where he wants to make any sort of a commitment. If he did, there would be more of an effort on his side to call you---and ask you out---whether he was out of town or not?

His questions about the type of men you'd like to date MIGHT have been his way of trying to get to know you? But assuming you answered them, perhaps he didn't care for...or wish to respond to your honesty? .

I'm a little puzzled about something though?

Which of you is the shy one?

You've indicated that both of you possess this trait...and unfortunately, SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE AGGRESSOR if a relationship is supposed to materialize and "take off?"

Do you think you could play the role of "aggressor?" Or do you just want to 'wait around and see' if the man makes a move on his own?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:47pm
I don't have a problem being the aggressor up to a certain point...He and are both on the shy side and have only really just started getting to know one another. I would be willing to call him if he continues to show signs of being interested and invite him out for something casual, but if what his friends say is true and he likes to do the chasing I don't want to come on too strong or show too, too much interest too fast for fear of scaring him off entirely...I know that he and I are both planning on being at the same event this Saturday so that will be a good time to gauge his behavior towards me and try to get a feel on where he stands. My instinct now is telling me to just continue the friendship as is and see where it might lead, but I don't want what is obviously a mutual attraction go unfulfilled if there is a chance for something good here. Perhaps if his behavior is still suggestive when I next see him I could casually suggest that I think he's fun to be around and that we should hang out more often.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 2:28pm

genuinegwinn...

Not that it means anything one way or the other, but PG likes your idea about "hanging out together more often!"

Just try and realte your intentions in a subtle way?

WHAT AM I SAYING???

You're a woman! And it's already a 'given' that a certain amount of subtlety is already included in 'your package!' :)

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:03pm
thanks pianoguy! Is there any advice you can give me on what I might do to up the anti in my favor...you know step it up a notch and encourage him without coming on too strongly and perhaps take him from just interested to really interested so he will be willing to make more of an effort? I've always been the type of girl who stands in the corner and hopes the guy I like notices me, but I don't want to do that in this case...I want to put myself out there and let him know I'm interested without being pushy or overbearing, but as I've never done this before I am very unsure on how to go about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:47pm

genuinegwinn...

PG is gonna hit you with something that practically every woman on the planet was taught (to them) by their moms:

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

As corny as this sounds....you'd be amazed how a man's eyes will light up when a woman takes the time to 'prepare a plate of cookies, brownies, or even surprises him with a quart of his favorite ice cream!"

It's a gesture that most of us don't expect!

Not only does this satisfy a man's "inner self"----but while he enjoys the unexpected food treat, he's probably going to start asking a few questions about YOU? Which isn't necessarily bad...unless his questions "get a little too personal?"

Then you just smile and say to him sweetly: "LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW...HAVE ANOTHER COOKIE (OR SPOON OF ICE CREAM)!" :)

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:54pm

Genuinegwinn,

Ok, I'm going to disagree with PG over this one. First of all, a salesperson by definition cannot be shy. He is perfectly capable of closing the deal with his customers and with you by asking you out. If he is not asking you out, it may be as PG suggested in his first post that his interest is only moderate and it simply convenient for him that you have mutual friends and you hang out at the same places. I would sideline him until he shows more interest. There is nothing more frustrating than someone who is one foot in and one foot out. If a man is truly interested, he will do anything to win you over. Don't settle for less than that.

Feisty

P.S. If you bring him cookies as PG suggested, I think he'll run a mile away. He's teetering on the brink of running away as it is. Save them for your book club :-p