First boyfriend ever at 26...
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| Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:12pm |
Hi, first timer here as well as a first timer in a relationship. I am 26 and have been a tease since puberty hit. I never got close to a man (i have family baggage but that's not the point here so I'll spare you) up until now and I am kind of freaked out. I've been seeing J for about 5 months now - i told him about my lack of relationship experience and about my baggage, so he's not completely in the dark regarding my issues. J is great, understanding and is willing to work with me, though now I wonder if i may be trying his patience. J has had two major girlfriends (6, and 1 year, respectively) and has been in love with both of them. He is willing to talk to me about his relationships and I am curious but overall, I don't want to know. He wants to know about mine but I've got nothing to tell; i've never been in love and he's the only guy i've dated longer than 3 months. To make a long story short, I feel completely inadequate in this relationship and very scared. He's all about communicationg and gets frustrated by my lack of willingness to do so when it comes to my feelings (i'm just nervous - i never got close to a man i slept with before). So I guess I am asking for advice on (if any is available):
1) how to overcome feelings of emotional inadequacy? I know its internal problem but does anyone have a mantra or something i can chant when i feel inadequate???
2) how to deal with the existence of his past loves and their continued presence in his life
a) i'm worried that he could never love me as much as he did them...silly but i think it just stems from my lack of relationships - a co-existence of multiple loves type thing.
and lastly
3) how much should i tell him about my insecurities regarding the above?
any advice for a reformed tease would be welcome....thanks in advance

1)
When my boyfriend and I started dating several years ago, I was 23 and had never had a boyfriend. I went through some of the same things that you're going through as far as feeling insecure that he would continue to love me, and even being jealous of one of his exes who he had liked more than the others, even though they'd only dated for five months, and she wasn't even in his life anymore. It did get a lot better and easier with time as I saw that even after he'd seen my worst sides, and even after the relationship we had passed the honeymoon phase were everything was exciting because it was all so new, he was still
It's scary when you've never done it before to open yourself up to somebody and let them see all of you, the good and the bad, and to trust that they will still want you, especially if you come from a family where you were made to feel inadequate about certain parts of yourself. If you never open yourself up though, then your relationship will always be lacking the closeness and intimacy that happy, healthy relationships are built on, and you will also continue to have that insecurity and fear that the other person would stop loving you if they really got to know all of you.
You can certainely tell your boyfriend what you have posted here, especially since he is asking you to open up. Talking about those sorts of things is what will draw you closer. What you do want to avoid doing, though, is what many women do when they get jealous, which is act clingy by constantly bringing it up, trying to control his relationships with other women, whining about it, or guilt-tripping him about it. That type of behavior will drive men away. There's a huge difference between saying, "To be honest, I do feel insecure and jealous, but it's not your fault. You're doing nothing wrong. It's really my own issue that I need to deal with," versus sulking whenever you see an attractive woman and saying, "I bet you'd rather be with her than with me!" The first makes a guy appreciate really appreciate your honesty and candor. The second behavior is really annoying and will eventually drive most guys away.
In terms of how to get over the jealousy, time will help with that, as well as just taking the risk of putting yourself out and telling him things that are somewhat scary for you to say and seeing his reaction. You can also try repeating to yourself, "I have him and no other girl does," whenever you start to get jealous. Maybe even put it up a post-it note some place so that you don't forget. Also, try to focus on loving and accepting yourself. When you do that, it'll be easier to believe that somebody else can love you as well. Good luck.