Pianoguy? Maybe some insight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Pianoguy? Maybe some insight?
1
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 4:09pm

Pianoguy,

I saw your response to someone else in a similar situation and thought you might have some insight into my exbf's mind.

We started dating at the beginning of the year. We had a wonderful relationship - I felt secure and comfortable like I hadn't with anyone for years. We are both in our mid-thirties and never married. He was attentive and affectionate and wanted to share his life with me. He has a job that is very time consuming and stressful, but that didn't get in the way of our relationship. He did seem to feel a little insecure about the fact that I was farther ahead in my career and made more money than him. But that never bothered me.

Everything was going great until he bought a house and then a boat in April. It seems that with those two added responsibilities, he couldn't balance his life anymore. He started to become critical and distant and less affectionate with me.

It finally erupted in May when I left him a terse voicemail message because he hadn't called when he said he would and I was in a bad mood. That resulted in text messages from him that we should just break up so that I wouldn't have to worry about him making me angry anymore. Also that he was stressing a lot and just wanted to be alone. After a few days, he came back and apologized and said he didn't mean any of it. He just didn't care about anything when he did that. He said he needed to work on getting his life under control and feeling better about himself.

I told him that I understood the stress he was under and that if he wanted to try to work it out, I was willing. I know his intentions were good. He came up with ideas to try to spend time together and relax. Those things never happened though.

Finally, two weekends ago, we got into another fight. He left and said he just wanted to be alone and do his own thing and that I should do my own. I didn't hear from him all week. I finally talked to him last Sunday because I needed some closure. Here is his explanation:

First he said he figured I was happier since he wasn't around since nothing he did was up to par for me (not true - I'm his biggest cheerleader and supporter - I just wanted to figure out how to get us back to the relationship we used to have). He feels that nothing is going right for him. Everything he does seems to turn out bad. He says he needs to take on each thing one at a time. (the house, the boat, etc.) He doesn't want to be with anyone right now. He feels like he was going back and forth on what he wants (relationship with me or not) and that it wasn't fair to me. He said he never has time to go do his own thing or go out with his friends (not that I ever stopped him, he just never did it - if he had free time, he typically spent it with me) He knows that he is taking a risk that when he gets back on track I might not be there, but he feels like this is the right choice for him.

I, in no way, want to continue to have a relationship with him in the state he is in. I know it was not a good situation for either of us. But what I'd really like is to put some closure to this and wondered if you had any insight into the "mysterious male mind" and what happened to my loving boyfriend.

Thanks for any thoughts you might have about it.

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 1:00am

Hi Beth!

Pianoguy REALLY LIKED your 'cheerleader reference' that came toward the end of your post!

Unfortunately, the team you're rooting for (aka your b/f) doesn't seem to appreciate your enthusiasm?

While it certainly is your b/f's choice how he wishes to spend his time and his money (like the house and the boat)...you're getting 'lost in the shuffle?' I'm not suggesting that the man doesn't have feelings for you, because I'm sure he does? But his feelings for YOU are CONSIDERABLY LESS than the ones that YOU HAVE FOR HIM!

While I believe that stress can really mess up a person's head (irregardless of whether the head belongs to a man or a woman)...SINCERE FEELINGS, HONEST EMOTIONS and TRUE LOVE can't be FAKED for somebody else! All 3 of these are either there...or THEY AREN'T!

I'm sure you (and the rest of ivillage) already know this, but

"LOVE ISN'T A LIGHT SWITCH THAT CAN BE TURNED ON AND OFF!"

Based on the words in your post, I get the feeling your b/f thinks otherwise???

And even though you've indicated that you'd like some form of 'closure' on this, I honestly DOUBT you'll get it!

Here's why....

You're dealing with an individual who, at certain times, wants to be with you...and during other times, wants to isolate himself from you (and possibly the rest of the planet as well?). So attempting to 'thaw the gentleman out'---and get him to pay more attention to you (through acts of love, kindness, affection, concern, or any other method you believe might work)---isn't very likely?

Sorry I can't be more encouraging! :(

Pianoguy