Enough is enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Enough is enough
2
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 4:08pm

Hi everyone. I hope I can get some thoughtful advice on what I've been feeling lately. Usually I'm around these boards asking for advice on something bad that has happened in my relationship, but finally, I think that something bad has turned into something wonderful. I'll explain, and either you are going to tell me I'm nuts for wanting what I want, or you are going to tell me that this is possible.

My bf ended things about two months ago. We would have been dating two years, this August. I guess now that I look back at things, I never really considered him a good friend, you know? We went to college together, and he was a friend, yes, but there was always something that kind of annoyed me about him. Anyways, time went on, we went our seperate ways, and met up again two years ago.

I had just broken up with a guy when we met up. We hung out, in our group of friends, and nothing really became much of it, until about a month after, we started getting closer. Things progressed, and I was just so frustrated at the fact that things were moving way faster than I had wanted. I always told myself that I don't want to rush relationships, but never listened to myself. He told me, that he was not going to wait 4 months to touch me. At the time, I listened, and thought I was being prudish for not moving forward a little faster, but now that I look back, I should have walked out the door right then and there.

The relationship wasn't bad, but it wasn't great, either. I had my doubts. I had many red flags appear, through things he did, or said. I ignored them, thinking I was overreacting. I never felt 100% comfortable sexually around him. Just the way he said things, or initiated sex, really turned me off. It was like he never respected my decisions or my wishes, you know? The more he commented on why I didn't let him do this or didn't let him do that, the more reserved I got about it, and it got to the point where he would just touch me and I would feel so uncomfortable. He'd touch me in ways that made me feel uncomfortable, and even though he was technically *joking around*. Again, I thought all of this was my fault, I was being too reserved, or I wasn't giving him what he wanted.

Now that this is all behind me, I've had two months to think. Granted, I am nowhere near ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I just had a lot of things come to light, and I suppose it took being in that relationship for me to really figure out what I wanted, and that what I wanted was okay.

I guess my very first "requirement" is that I have to be good friends with the guy first. I want to know that I can be true self around him, and he will accept me for who I am. I could never do this around my ex, I just never felt comfortable doing so. I figure when you are friends with someone first, you know what they are like, you see them for who they are, and more importantly, you develop that sense of initial trust and respect for them. I know not everyone agrees with me, but when it all boils down to it, I want to marry my best friend, so I know that I have someone who I can openly communicate with, and just be me with.

My second requirement is that I absolutely hate getting physical early in a relationship. It turns me right off the guy, if he will not respect my wishes to wait. I guess the reason I never felt comfortable getting physical with these guys early on is that I never developed that sense of knowing who they were and really getting comfortable with them first. Case in point, yeah my ex and I were friends, but not good friends. He had moved away for a couple of years before we met up again, and we never got the chance to be friends again, just right into a relationship. Then, he refused to wait for me.

I remember I had a friend in college, and we were good friends. I could talk to him about anything, he saw me at my worst times, and at my best times. As the friendship progressed, I just became so physically attracted to him, because I knew I connected with him, you know? With other guys, I really never had that connection, and I always felt reserved being physical with them.

I always thought there was something wrong with me "sexually", but I know that's not the case at all! I look back at my relationship, and think, why in the world would I want to be physically intimate with a guy who doesn't respect my decisions? Why would I want to be intimate with a guy who constantly teases me about things? Why would I want to be with a guy who I couldn't communicate with, who I couldn't be myself around? Those barriers made it extremely difficult to be intimate with someone.

Anyways, I guess those are the two biggest requirements I have. Of course, not everyone will agree with my approach to a relationship, but I feel for me, these are so fundamental, and in a sense, I'm glad that it took a bad relationship to realize that I need to stick to my guns, and get what I want. After all, any guy who doesn't respect this, won't be the right guy for me anyways.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:21am

No advice - good for you stand your ground and hold your boundaries. Only you know what is best for you and if you don't respect that no one else will!!!

Congratulations on your epiphany!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:01am
Congrats on the progress autumngirly!