Critical Nag

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Critical Nag
4
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:03pm
My bf and I have been dating for 7 mos now, so I'm starting to get to know his moods, imperfections, and the way he relates to people. I'm not sure if he is unhappy in his career and he's always whining and critical of people or if he's really a twofaced butthole? He does not seem to be insecure but does talk about people alot guess cause he hangs around gossipy women at work. You know saying things like "that guys a prick he doesn't know what he's talking about" I know he's not very happy at work, but when we are hanging out he gets mad at everyone that doesn't give him proper service whether it's the waitress, the guy at the bowling alley, or one of his co-workers or friends. Always afraid he's getting double-crossed which I heard he was at work. I'm beginning wonder if he talks about me behind my back to others? Now he's on to me about my imperfections reminding me of them. Then when I go to tell him about his he's real defensive even if he knows I'm right. It's not fair because he can try to help me, but when I try to point out something about him he doesn't want to hear it. I told him the other day it goes both ways I'm tired of hearing it too. If you can't say anything nice about anyone don't say nothing at all is my motto.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: vixen1974
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:09am

That's my motto too. Unfortunatelly, not all people follow the same way of thinking. Seven months of dating is a short time to get to know a person, but it's around this time when the "true self" starts to emerge. It's posible that you BF is unhappy and he gets off by bveing critical about others, including you. A bitter person would do that in a very negative way.

The down side of his behavior is that you could get really tired of all the negativity and bitterness in him. It's really sad that the person we love would come down on us that way. I'd analyze the relatiopnship to know if it's worth keeping. The fact that he doesn't like his defects to be pointed out in a critical and constructive manner makes it hard and almost impossible for him to realize that he's been annoying and that this could jeopardize the relationship. If he's not aware of his own flaws he cannot correct them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vixen1974
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:04am

vixen1974....

Are you ready for the "reality check" from Pianoguy?

MEN love to bitch about others JUST AS MUCH AS WOMEN DO! We might not be as (forgive me) "catty" about things as the feminine gender...but when a person ticks us off, we're not going to be subtle when it comes to how we feel about him (or her)!

From one who has been single (by choice) for a few years...I really think "timing" is everything! This means that there are better opportunities to BRING STUFF UP as opposed to other occasions when you should just "KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!" . I'm not suggesting that the issues that bother you shouldn't be addressed, but face it...some people can handle criticism a hell of a lot better than others! And if the person has had a bad day at the job, health issues, malfunctions with the car...the last thing HE (or SHE) needs is verbal abuse from his "support system!"

If you honestly believe that your b/f is "talking about you behind your back"---perhaps this is your cue to take 30 days off and give each other your space? If he's constantly bringing up YOUR IMPERFECTIONS...ask him (sweetly)..."Do I get to play this game too? I've noticed a few flaws in YOUR personality during these past few weeks?"

Of course...the inevitable argument (or worse) will be the next event for the both of you.

Just a PS from PG:

NO MAN on this planet enjoys being picked apart by ANY WOMAN! Your comments...as valid as they may or may not be...are an extension of our 'moms' behavior toward us when we were little boys!

And frankly...this is ONE OF THE PRIMARY REASONS WE LEFT HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE!

So try to remember that when it comes to remarks---"the proper time to utter them" can mean the difference between making your point or making your partner ANGRY!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
In reply to: vixen1974
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:32pm

Does it seem like he's ALWAYS the victim? I ask, because I was with a guy like that. For him, it was always a "race" thing. Trust me, it wasn't, but he'd make it out to be. He played the victim, cried about it, whined about it, but yet, when I'd point out to him any positives in the situations, or even ask him about it, big time defensive mode and "i just don't get it" or anything that will get me to shut up.


I couldn't deal with it anymore. He was constantly criticizing people, and yes, started on me. Started to complain about everyone and everything in his life, HOWEVER, he also was playing the victim in all these instances. Our r'ship problems were all MY fault, because of.....and he'd point out my fautls that he saw. Of course, if I pointed out but one to him, oh no.....it's not how he is, etc.


Point being...maybe stick around a bit, and see....is he ALWAYS the victim? Does he EVER take responsibility for himself? If not, you may want to get out. Men (and women) who play the victim, well, it rarely ever stops. They feel used and abused, when in truth, they are the manipulators. They want you to feel sorry for them, so you'll do things their way. And their way, is the only way. They want the attention, of "oh, poor baby, you got burned".


Lastly, the x who was like this? Well, guess what? Due to a bug/virus I got an email (everyone in his addy book did), talking about his psycho exgf that contacts him all the time and wants him back, blah blah blah and how he's so great and how she's just making his life miserable. Yup, the psycho xgf was me. And he was the one that contacted me and told me how much he missed me, etc. Sad, but true.


From then on out, I ALWAYS stay away from people who are "victims" of life. They literally will suck the life out of you. I hope he's not like this, but if he is, I recommend leaving him. Keep your eyes open.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
In reply to: vixen1974
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 8:04pm
Then why won't he listen to me because the same things he sees in me is what he doesn't like about hiself. Irritations mirror irritations. We were talking last night and I think things are going fine in the relationship but he brings up instances in the past that I thought we already talked about and forgave each other about. I have to take my space we don't live together but part time on the weekends but I feel like I can't say nothing and I don't want to be the subdued woman because he's too immature to look beyond his nose. He says all the nice things that are great to know even talked about forever, if you can believe that and working on the relationship if you ask me he's driving me away and ruining it. I don't think I could live with a man like this. Always saying everyone else is dumb, they are idiots and he's the smart one, he's a very good judge of character and he just knows these things cause he's older than I am. I actually had the strength to tell him that I'm very understanding too and about him playing the VICTIM. I talked to him about forgiveness and he talked to me about trust. I was told to watch out for the male ego thing, but he's pointing out every little thing he doesn't like about me or the relationship and how he thinks I have to be entertained 24/7. Well he can sit at home and I'll go out and look for someone else if he keeps it up. He is acting insecure and doesn't know how to handle hiself around me, missing me, wanting to solve all my problems (not changing me) just certain problems I'm having with work and my health he's a very compassionate man. When he doesn't even know about hiself/blind spots and all. I can't get through to him thought about writing him a letter and before we hung up I told him, well I'm sorry your feelings got hurt by me, words were said, and I'm not perfect, but I forgave you for your imperfections why can't you do the same. Is it worth it?
Sorry so long, but I've worked hard enough in trying to get along with him.