super insecure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
super insecure
6
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:13am
okay.here's the story.i've been with my man for almost four years and we have lived together since.i am a single mom of three boys with my eldest being 12, then 10 and youngest is 7.he on the other hand doesn't have any kids. another story. i am 31 with three children and a man who loves me and my children and i feel exactly the same for. by the way, he's younger only by 2 years. BUT he constantly asks, accuses, nags, bickers about me cheating on him, going to cheat on him and wanting to cheat on him. mind you...i have no intentions of cheating because he gives me all the attention i need and want...and then some. i go to work and come straight home. i hang out with girlfriends just recently every other weekday at a local bar which i have invited him to join us and i get questioned. what is it? what would you do? this constant bickering will eventually and is starting to affect my rlationship?? someone help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
In reply to: lawbzgirl
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:23am

I'm sorry you're going through this. I sometimes experience similar things with my boyfriend but it hasn't gotten to him accusing me of things--I just feel like I constantly have to reassure him or prove that he can trust me. Anyway, it just feels like crap when someone you love and trust puts you through the emotional wringer like this. It's not fair and if it continues it can only breed resentment.

How do you react when he pulls the insecurity act on you? Do you ever point out his behavior and how does he react? Does he acknowledge it or deny it and get angry? Does this stem from his being hurt in a past relationship?

If you don't know the root of why he is like this, it's worth trying to find out. I believe my boyfriend truly values our relationship and when I get upset over his lack of trust, he'll catch himself and I think try to examine why he does this (and realize that it's not about me but his issues). I hope you're able to address this together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lawbzgirl
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 6:46am

lawbzgirl...

Pianoguy thinks you've got quite a few responsibilities 'on your plate'---but you also seem capable of handling them?.

However...I see 2 red flags:

1. While there's nothing wrong with going out with your g/f's (after work or whenever), if you're hanging out at the same bar...I'm NOT surprised that your b/f is a little worried? Suppose you met up with somebody NEW? And wanted to make the choice to spend the rest of your life with HIM instead of your current b/f? What would happen next? ?

2. I think you and your live-in b/f need to establish some GROUND RULES when it comes to each other's options? If you've promised 'exclusivity' to each other...then you're gonna have to ease off on some of those trips to the local watering hole? But once you do, he has to do the same thing WITH HIS GUY PALS too!

The problem with all FWB (friends with benefits) situations is that at least one half of the couple either wants MORE...or wants to CONTROL whatever plans are in existance? So every so often the 'house rules' have to be rewritten? Otherwise the FWB situation will probably DISSOLVE!

Pianoguy (who knows this first-hand after spending nearly 4 years of his life with "the girlfriend from hell!")

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
In reply to: lawbzgirl
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:11am
If he doesn't trust you not to cheat on him after almost four years of living with you, he is never going to trust you. He has serious trust issues and isn't interested in doing anything to overcome the problem. A healthy relationship requires more than just love. It also needs to have two people who know they can trust and count on one another. Do you really want to be in a relationship with somebody who believes you would double cross him behind his back if you could? You deserve somebody who sees that you're a much better person than that.



Edited 7/10/2006 11:25 am ET by rosewater99
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
In reply to: lawbzgirl
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:57am
thanks for your reply. we actually have the greatest relationship. we are not only lovers but we are also best friends. but the only problem is his trust towards me. i let him go out with his friends after giving him the guilt trip of "oh, you're leaving me tonight" but i still let him go and he does the same to me but kinda over the edge more than me. another thing i failed to mention is that i did cheat on my PAST ex-boyfriends but i had my reasons and he thinks that i will do it to him which i don't blame him but he is overly excessively and constantly questioning me even from the time i wake up. i spend xxx amount of time in the bathroom and just the way he asks, "what were you doing in there so long?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
In reply to: lawbzgirl
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:23pm

Sadly, you will have to decide, is this how you plan on living your life? Because it wont' change. You've proved to him that you're untrustworthy (by cheating on xbf's in the past) and therefore, he'll never trust you, regardless of what you do. This is your life. Always being questioned, asked, etc.


I had a bf, like that. 1. he was the guy who was cheating, not me. Although he kept me on a VERY short leash. 2. His insecurity turned into physical abuse (and nope, I didn't think it would happen either, as he'd been so sweet........EXCEPT for his jealousy). 3. I thought the jealousy was sweet to a point, cuz it showed me he cares, boy, was I wrong and insecure with myself.


Lastly, I don't think it's right for you to "joke" with him about "leaving you" as much as it's not right for him to ask you what you were doing in the bathroom for so long.


Personally, he's either cheating and putting it on you (most people who are insecure about something, are because they'd do it themselves, not saying they ARE doing it, but WOULD do it).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
In reply to: lawbzgirl
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:32pm

My former stepfather was like that and in 10 years it never got better.
My mother and he tried counseling. When the counselor suggested my stepfather had issues (bipolar, borderline personality disorder) my stepfather accused my mom of sleeping with the counselor.
Years down the line, he often manifested elaborate stories about how my mom cheated on him (seriously, if he could've spelled decently and had good grammar, he could have written award winning fiction). He had an entire list of men my mom supposedly cheated on him with.
He wanted to put a curved mirror in the dining area so when he was sitting on his fat butt in the living room, he could make sure no one was sneaking in the back.
Once he choked my mother, she kicked him in the groin and he never touched her again. But the accusations and threats continued for the rest of their marriage (I nearly broke his nose the one time he threatened to kill her if he caught her with another man).
He yell and scream at her for HOURS if she didn't take what he saw as the appropriate amount of time to get home from somewhere if she was alone on the trip.

If this isn't affecting the relationship between the two of you yet, that you can see, I will surely bet it is affecting your children already.
Just based on my mother's experience, and being in the shoes your children are in now, I would advise you to seriously reconsider this relationship. It's great that he gives you all that attention and stuff, but that doesn't excuse the jealousy. Perhaps try counseling, and see what his issue is, but be prepared to consider the option of ending it if he doesn't turn around.