No "I love you"
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| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 7:55am |
I'm 27, my boyfriend is 29 and we've been together for almost 6 months. Everything between is us pretty much great. We make each other happy, have a lot in common and I feel close to him. He calls me at least 4 times a day, we see each other at least 3 times a week (he lives an hour away and has to drive to see me), he is generally affectionate and complimentary toward me and he is comfortable making plans for us months down the road. The only "problem" is that he still has not said that he loves me or talked seriously about a long-term future together, yet I myself am very ready to talk about those things.
For the most part, I'm not worried. I know 6 months is not an eternity. I know how much my bf cares and I know that everyone goes at a different speed. Though he's 29, my bf has never been in a serious relationship before so it's evident that he's no relationship pro and I know that he's an emotionally guarded "guy's guy". Plus I believe, especially with guys, actions speak louder than words. My mom has wisely reminded me that it's far better to have a caring bf who has not said those three words than one who has said them, but cheats on you behind your back.
All that being said, there are times when I DO get upset. I worry that this means I feel stronger than he does or that we may never progress to the next level. I also worry that he isn't emotionally available enough for me. I know it's not right but I can't help but compare this to other relationships of mine and my friends where things moved much faster.
So I wanted to ask other posters their opinions - how important are those three words, especially at this point in a relationship? Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did it turn out? Any advice on what I can do, other than just wait it out? Thanks so much!!

First thing came to mind is, “I can't help but compare this to other relationships of mine and my friends where things moved much faster” then I thought why would you want those relationships because apparently you moved faster but you are no longer with those people for a reason. So, to me, I’d want to try something different. It may seem out of the norm but when the norm is not long life relationships hey I’d go for the out of the norm.
I understand the importance of hearing those words but I have learned it is far better to be treated the right way and know he cares versus someone telling me every night but doing differently when away from me. Though you do not have those words does not mean you can not discuss where the relationship is going. To me it is the right time before the 3 words we discuss long term plans and goals. Does he want to marry one day, kids, house, what does he want to accomplish in life. This way I know we are in tune with each other before I am to emotionally involve.
Marie
Verse of the Day
“ Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. ”- Romans 15:2
Marie
Ive been with my boyfriend a year and havent heard the words I love you. Now I know he cares and has deep affection for me but I don't think he loves me yet. At the moment, what we do have together is fine for me and I do believe we have a future, its just that after getting a divorce 2 years ago because his wife cheated on him, he is being very wary about letting his feelings go too much.
We have had a chat of sorts about our future. He says he believes there is someone special for everyone and that that person is me and he can see us growing old together. He is also open to the idea of marriage again and we have both discussed how we would like to do that (luckily they match ha ha). He says that the word love is used too often and he has come to realise that people say it but never ever really mean it hence the fact he is holding back.
Sure I would love to hear those words but what we have is great and makes me happy and it seems silly to end it just because he hasnt said those words yet. He is loving, affectionate, caring, kind, all traits I find important. Having never been in love myself, Im not sure that what I feel is love or the same things he feels.
Im willing to wait things out and see what happens. Should the day arrive when I need to hear those words to be happy and he can't supply them, then I'll move on but until then, im happy as we are.
Edited 7/11/2006 1:00 pm ET by missyleigh41
I really don't think just because your boyfriend's parents divorced when he was a teenager means that he's had an unstable childhood. If he said he had a great childhood take his word for it. Don't make excuses for why he's not in love with you.
To the original poster. I've only been in one serious relationship (I'm 22) so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I'll put my 2 cents in anyway. In my relationship it took my boyfriend about 6-7 months to tell me that he loved me. But as you said, I could tell from his actions that he felt the words long before he spoke them. Do you guys have conversations about how you feel about one another? What has he said? Has he said how your relationship or his feelings for you compare to other relationships he's had?