Not Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Not Meant to Be?
5
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:51am

A couple months ago I found a guy that I had a connection with at a friends party. It was kind of out of no where, like normal, and we hit it off right away. We started hanging out and before we knew it, we were together and "in love". Things shifted directly from me being single, to me being in a commited relationship with someone that seemed like he was cemented next to me. Telling me that he loved me, and could see us together forever after two months, I started to wonder. After the intial excitement of being with a new person wore off and reality started to set in, i freaked out. I realized that I had had reservations since the beginning of our relationship about our compatability and him being the one for me, and they had just grown and grown off of other things. I decided that instead of being like my previous relationships, where i dedicate a Long time of my life to figuring things out, dragging out the relationship and making it harder in the end, i would end it now or at least take a break to step back and look at the whole picture. he noticed something was wrong because I became shy and reserved, not wanting to be intimate or even look like I was happy. I started zoing out, thinking about everything. When we finally talked about it, i went for it and told him that I wanted space to figure some things out which he was understanding about, even thuogh it hurt him a lot. Now that we are broken up, he's completely heartbroken and devistated because he thinks we are meant to be. he has told me taht he thinks we're meant to be together forever, and that im different than everyone else. I don't think I feel the same, and it's scary to think that i might be missing out because of my own insecurity on a great guy, or that if i go back to him I'm sacrificing my gut feeling that I should take care of what I want first in my life and not settle for something that I dont think is for me. I feel guilty because this guy is a fantastic person, and he's very insightful and taking this time to think about things about himself. I think that that's good but he's hoping that we will "get through this" and I will realize what I lost and go back to him. he's striving to do whatever he can to help me so that I will love him as much as he loves me.

I dont know what to do. I dont know if he's what I want in a relationship, or if I'm just scared in general because I am too worried that I am settling that Im not seeing what I have. him being so hurt, hurts me and I hate to make him feel this bad. Please offer some advice, I dont know what to do. Is this a test to see if we are meant to be together? or is this my hearts way of telling me that's what meant for me is somewhere else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:59am
If you got to wonder then you're not feeling it. There's good on paper with someone I don't like and doesn't matter on paper with someone I am crazy about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:02am

I say follow your gut, how many times has it been wrong. Then, one thing I’ve learned is you can not hurt another person unless they allow it. I understand an initial break up for someone you care about is a time to mourn the loss of a relationship but to stay in that funk is a choice. He has a choice to say “OK, I will give her distance and not contact her” or he can continue to allow the hurt by keeping contact and wondering what could be. Don’t feel guilty because there is nothing you can do about his hurt because even if you went back then you will still hurt because he will then begin to apprehensive on you wanting to leave again and things will be on rocky ground.


Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:33pm
Thank you for your honesty and support. I believe that I have the right answer and the will to follow my gut, but even when I know that things may not be meant to be, it's hard not to fall into the pit of "but he's so nice and he loves me, why not". I can't just get with him just to be with someone, and the whole time be waiting for someone greated to stroll into my life so I feel secure. I'm taking that leap and it's scary as heck. I hope that I'm right but I can't be sure I guess. I just hope that things get better and easier to handle soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:40pm
It will get better just give it time.

Marie


Verse of the Day


“ Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. ”- Romans 15:2

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 12:43am
I've been there. I was with him for two months and he wanted to marry me. When the newness wore off I realized I was just with him to not be alone and that it didn't feel right. As soon as I started to realize I didn't feel as strongly as I thought I started to back off. He just pushed harder. I didn't want to hurt him but I felt smothered. The only thing to do was to completely end the relationship. I told him point blank there was nothing left for us and that I no longer wanted to talk to him. I ignored his phone calls and wouldn't answer when he came to my apartment. If you are having reservations really think out the whole situation and decide whats right for you. Not worry about what he wants. If you are having these doubts now they aren't going to go away. Better to not waste a lagre chunk of your life and miss out on someone really great. Just make sure if you do end it that you stand strong and let him know it won't change no matter what.