Is it because of his divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2005
Is it because of his divorce?
4
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:45am

I have been in a relationship with a man for about 10 months but we didn't get serious (discussion about seeing only each other) until two months in. So I'd say we've been really together for about 8 months. This is the time we started to become intimate as well. We ar both in our mid thirties. He is previously married, I am not. It took me until this guy to truly fall in love and have the ability to want to see a permanent future with someone.

Here's my dilemma. When we met he was this wonderful caring, loving man. About 6 months ago I started seeing a different side to him. When he gets angry or upset about something he completely shuts downs and shuts me out rather than talk to me about it. He also started not wanting to be physically intimate. Since the beginning of 2006 we have had sex 4 times. I don't doubt that he loves me but I wonder if he loves me enough to be with me for the long haul. Or is it that he loves me becasue he is afraid of being alone. He has no family and after his divorce he was thrown back into that lonliness of not having anyone. I met him a year and a half after his divorce and he was separated before his divorce was final. He had one other significant relationship between his exwife and me (his rebound?) and he dated other women as well.

I know that his broken childhood / family situation has molded him to be the person he is (afraid to attach to anyone because he never had that growing up) so I am understanding of that. But I don't understand what happened between us meeting and then four months later the drastic changes in his personality (standoffishness, lack of sexual desire, etc.) Yet he WANTS to be with me. I would understand if he hung around for the "Booty" but that was a nonissue after a while. He would always tell me he loves me, etc. but then his actions would contradict that. The sex shouldn't fall out of a relationshiop that soon.

Finally I broke it off with him. He asked me back a few weeks later and I told him that if the crap started happening again and I felt unloved, underappreciated, and neglected I would leave. A little over a month later he pulled his "shut me out" stunt again because I said something that aggravated him. I apologized and, of course, tried to talk to him about it but instead he didn't talk to me for a couple of days. I finally couldn't take it and broke it off again. And shortly after he asked me back saying he could give me all of the things I needed (I had left him with a long letter explaining why I was leaving the relationship and what I needed to be in one). Again, I gave him a chance but told him he had to understand what he had done to me for 6 months. He got mad and I said, "We need a break". Well, lo and behold, he got sick and he truly has no one else so I helped him out and he cried and told me how much I meant to him and explained to me why he is the way he is (his childhood, his marriage, etc.) and I understood but I was still afraid. I told him I was afraid to be with hi totally because I was so convinced that our relationship would fail that it was destined to because of my fear. But slowly I gave him more of my time. Within a couple of weeks he started pulling back a little bit.

It seems he only holds on when he's afraid of losing me. Then he gets comfortable and falls back into his routine. I do truly love him and am in love with him. I understand that he may just need time to understand HOW TO EXPRESS LOVE because I do think he loves me. He may just not love me in the way I need him to, unfortunately.

I don't believe you can change someone but I do believe they can change thenselves if they truly want to. His behavior is self destructive in that he will NEVER be able to make a relationship work with his actions and attitude. He will have to change in order to cultivate a relationship.

So my question is do I wait it out a little bit longer and see if he wants to try to make this work with me (and do I need to keep making him feel as if he going to lose me in order to make him hold on to me) or do I just say, "Goodbye. You only want me when you think you can't have me." He made me many promises in the last few weeks knowing that I was ready to leave him forever but I need him to follow through on those promises. I had told him in June that I needed time and space (no contact!) but he did contact me broken hearted and I couldn't bear to see him that way. He said he felt like a "sniveling faggot" and that is so not him to be like that. I told him I'd come back to try to make it work and that's when he started to pull his keep his feelings at a distance act again.

I don't understand this. At our age we shouldn't have to play games. I feel like he is playing the "thrill of the hunt game" He works so hard to get me back and then when I give him the chance he relaxes. And I am not asking for anything out of the ordinary. Just some attention, love, and respect.

Okay, sorry this was so long but I am extremely confused, hurt, heartbrokem, and in need of some advice especially if any of you are with previously divorced me.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 7:48am

Shudder, I think you're dating my ex brother in law.

And echoing the posts you've received on another board, my sister (and the wife before her) left him because he was either unable or unwilling to control his moods. Sure, he could control them long enough to woo her back each time....and would even lie to the marriage counsellors and say what they wanted to hear... but in the end she realised that it was all lies and he was never going to be a 'normal' guy.

Anyway, he's not playing games - he's a nutter and someone who you'd be best not wasting your time with.

Find a new man who is easy company. Someone who is well-balanced and always pleasant to be with.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 4:23am

Well you and I are in the same boat! I'd like to talk to you more about this and I shall but I'm waitin til my husband goes to bed.......

Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2005
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:03am

Hi, Ravyn142003,

Please let me know what's been going on with you so I can get a better understanding of where I am. Thanks.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 7:15pm

In a relationship, you are certainly entitled to attention, love and respect. You do not feel you are getting that now. You have given him several opportunities to address your concern and he has not followed through for long.

IMHO, you are not dealing with someone who just needs to learn how to express love. This guy has much deeper-seated issues. He needs professional help. He may be a commitmentphobe. These guys desperately want love and intimacy, but they recoil from that in horror and do a seesaw thing forever. I would suggest you read Men Who Can't Love and see if he fits the bill.

I also think his issues stem not from his divorce, but rather, that his divorce may have happened because he already had these commitment issues.

You deserve better. Tell him good-bye and to call you when he successfully completes a year of therapy, and his therapist can tell you he is ready for a healthy relationship. If you continue on with him, you will continue to get what you have been getting. Best wishes.