I need to talk to someone :-(
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| Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:35pm |
Lately it seems as if my boyfriend and I can't agree on anything, especially in regards to where our relationship is going and how fast! We have been together for two and half years and I am really ready for some kind of commitment, but he is perfectly happy with us continuing just as we are for several more years. Everytime I bring up the idea of engagement, or marriage, he gets irritated and starts lecturing me on how we just aren't ready, and there is no point in even thinking about it until we "get our lives together" and such...
We just aren't on the same page at all-I had always seem myself as married, settled and starting a family by the time I was 25. He, on the other hand, doesn't even want to think about *engagement* until we are out of school with "good" jobs and a house. That will be at the very least three years from now! Not only that, I think one of the best parts of a marriage is building a life together, working from the ground up to put together a home and careers and that kind of thing; rather than the two of us working on a life together, though, he wants to wait until we are both established on our own before we even think about putting together what we have (he says "rushing to get married before your get your life together is just stupid").
I just can't seem to make him see that it doesn't matter to me where we live or how broke we are (we are both broke on our own now, why not be broke together *lol*) I just want us to have some kind of life together!
I love him with all my heart and I honestly believe he feels the same way but our relationship has been pretty much stalled for the past few months, and I'm a little worried that a part of me will always be bit hurt and resentful over the way things are working out. I don't know how to talk to him about it, and I don't really have anyone else I can talk to...almost all of our friends are mutual and I'm afraid they will go back and blab to my boyfriend.
Please help me out, guys. I'm really confused here :-(

I've been in that position, too. And unfortunately, what he's saying is that marriage is not a goal of his. So you need to decide whether or not just being with him is enough for you.
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to see things as they are; not as they COULD be.
"Maybe he'll change" isn't good enough.
I have AIM if you wanna chat there. My username is YoSoySingle
rebel_joy...
Pianoguy definitely agrees with you...you both AREN'T on the same page!
From your standpoint....you'd accept almost any sort of condition or lifestyle just to have the man in your life. But from his...there are issues about his future and whether he wants to take on the responsibility of 'supporting you' and perhaps a rugrat or two?
So the mexican standoff will continue until:
a. You start searching for another man to take your boyfriend's place
b. You accept the restrictions and limitations your b/f has already indicated
c. Your bf wins the lottery...has no financial worries and also has the desire to relinquish his "singlehood" for married life.
Pianoguy
Pianoguy:
"Supporting me" isn't the issue. As it stands right now I am in a better place financially than my boyfriend is. I have a steady job and yes, I am still in college, but I am working hard and making enough to pay my rent, buy food for myself and keep my vehicle repaired. The way I see it, if we are both making it on our own why should we have a problem making it together?
My boyfriend's problem is that he has this certain lifestyle that he believes we should have when we get married and he sees no point in even thinking about marriage until we can support that kind of lifestyle. His older sister got married about three years ago; they have purchased a $200,000 house in a nice subdivision, two expensive vehicles, put up a nice wooden fence around their yard, taken cruises, gone to Disneyworld and are currently planning a trip to Vegas. My boyfriend just does not want to get married until he can have *that* kind of life.
I just don't understand why things have to be that way. We could be just as happy in an apartment or a small house, driving the cars we have and living just as we have been living!
rebel_joy...
PG thinks that your "american dream" sounds perfectly logical.......TO YOU! But your b/f doesn't share it!
Whether the man you're in love with wants a particular type of lifestyle because he HONESTLY BELIEVES IN IT...or JUST WANTS TO PUT YOU "ON HOLD"...is only known TO HIM!
Hate to break the bad news to you...but just because your b/f's sister has had all her dreams MET...isn't a good enough reason to expect your b/f to follow in her footsteps! He DOESN'T WANT MARRIAGE....period!
But IF YOU DO....DROP THE MAN....and find someone else who shares your desire to become "a married couple!" There are STILL a few single men out there who LOVE the idea!
Pianoguy
Thanks, pianoguy...I mean, I think I really had an idea of everything you have said but it is just really hard to look at your own relationship objectively, you know?
And the thought of breaking things off has crossed my mind more than once, but so far I haven't even worked up the nerve to seriously bring up the problems I am having with our situation. I guess part of it is that I'm scared...but I'm also worried about disappointing everyone. His family has already accepted me as part of the family (his sister refers to me as her 'future sister-in-law all the time, and he has been getting pressure from them to kind of move things along...in a way I feel sorry for him because it seems like everyone wants him to get married *except* himself!) and I think they fully expect us to be happy together forever.
I just feel as if I am too deep into this relationship and this family to leave unless I am certain that I am unhappy enough to justify it....I don't think I am right now, but I'm also not sure if I'm really not that unhappy or if I am just telling myself that because I am too scared to take any action.
*sigh*
Anyway, I really appreciate your listening and responding to my troubles. I'm sure you also probably think I'm stupid for not being able to figure this one out on my own, but it's difficult for me *lol*
Thanks again.
Hey there...
I totally understand your wanting to move forward with your relationship "status" especially since you do love your b/f so much.
However, I tend to agree with him about waiting until you are both established(though for a little bit of a different reason). I can say with confidence that the first years after college are when you really "find yourself" so to speak...you're deciding on a career, you're finally an "adult" and making choices that will affect you for the rest of your life. I think it's great that you want to go through those things with your man (and you can, even without a ring!), but putting the challenges of a new marraige with that adds up to a very stressful situation. That's just my opinion...I'm not saying it CAN'T work, but only that it does make sense to wait to tie the knot.
Also...I really don't think his saying that the two of you aren't ready for that type of commitment NOW means that he will NEVER want marraige. I think he DOES, in fact, want marraige...someday. In fact, he seems to have pretty defined goals for marraige, and where he wants to be in life when married. I think that's very commendable. He DOESN'T want to rush into anything, and that's a good thing! Keep in mind that all this doesn't mean he loves you any less...it just takes guys longer to get to a place where marraige is desireable (generally speaking)! In addition, while you see yourself as someone who is independent and can take care of herself...he seems HIMSELF as "the man" who should be able to take care of and "spoil" his woman. Men have a natural tendency to WANT to be the supporter; something we women can't always understand. BUT, it's a big part of a man's pride, so it might be helpful to think of some of his comments in that light. If his idea of marraige is all those things that his sister has...perhaps that's a reason to be excited! Maybe that means he wants to give you all those things someday! He probably views having that stuff as "supporting" you and taking care of you.
Moral of the story--you DON'T want to waste your time, so do make sure that you are headed in the same direction, i.e; he DOES want to be married someday, and could possibly see you as the woman by his side. Marraige is a HUGE decision, and pressuring him about it repeatedly is the best way to make him run in the other direction! IF you're sure that he is someone who wants a wife someday, maybe hold off on the marraige talk if you can....if he's really THE GUY you want to be with, accept his answer for the time being, and continue on your journey. You have plenty of time, sister!