How Do You Know What's Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
How Do You Know What's Right?
6
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 6:46am

Hi all,

I'm new here, so I'll just jump right into my situation, and hope that you "experts" out there can provide me with some guidance.

I met this guy online, and we first talked a lot via email and IM. We'd be up into the wee hours of the night on instant messenger, then the other night we decided for the first time to talk over the phone. We had a really great conversation, but I broke one of my "rules" about talking on the phone for several hours past midnight (it's somewhat ironic that I dont have a rule for this on IM or email, but somehow the phone just seems different).

Well, the night we spoke over the phone was also the first night that we exchanged pictures. I told him previously that I was a "big girl", but after the picture exchange he's actually able to see for himself what I have to offer. His initial reaction (as he opened the email while we were talking) was that I was cute and I had a nice smile, and we talked for some time after that, and finally ended our call at about 4AM. Luckily I didn't have to work the next day (and neither did he), however I thought it was strange that I didn't hear from him again. I conferred with one of my friends, and she told me to "play hard to get" and "make him come to me", but I'm not really into playing games, so the next time I saw him online I waited about 10 minutes or so to see if he'd IM first but when he didn't I sent him a quick IM just saying "hey". He responded pleasantly and jokingly said something about not wanting to get too deep into conversation because he knew that we could both go on for hours if we started talking. I logged off, he logged off, and we haven't spoke to each other in a few days (and I haven't seen him online again either).

I haven't called him, because I don't want to appear to be "smothering him" or to appear needy, but I really want to talk to him. I don't know what to do or how to go about this whole thing, because this is new to me. I haven't really done a lot of dating (online or off), but I have exchanged pictures with guys, and had them move on. I'm not sure if this is what's happened with this guy, or if I'm just too anxious and nervous about the whole situation because I really like him, and I thought he really liked me. Prior to our picture exchange, he mentioned how he wouldn't mind what I looked like, he just really loved my conversation and hearing my point of view. I thought that at the very least, if we couldn't have a romantic relationship, at least we could be friends and talk from time to time, 'cause he's a really great guy that's just fun to know. I don't know what to do. If I don't hear from him again, I'll be heartbroken, but if I call him, I'll feel like I'm the only one making the moves and then I'll feel like I'm coming across as needy. What should I do?

I'm sorry for typing all this out and making you read through it, but for those of you that's gotten this far AND still care to offer some advice, I'd really love to hear from you. Thanks in advance. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 7:39am

Sorry that you have to go through this...however, it would appear that he's no longer interested

The cause could be aesthetics or it could have been due to a direction that your conversations took. Who knows? But either way, it would appear that he's moved on.

Let it go.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 7:46am

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. I guess I just needed an "impartial judge" to say it.
"Letting it go" is much easier said than done, especially since I felt like we'd really had some kind of "connection". Perhaps after I cry myself to sleep I'll feel better, and over time things will get better.

Thanks the input though.




Edited 7/15/2006 7:50 am ET by testingthewaters
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:47am
well if the reason he is not responding to you is based on how you look...then he's not a great guy so there's no need for you to keep thinking that. I have never done online dating, but i would imagine it must be hard getting involved in such deep conversations with someone before you know what the other looks like. I hate to say it, but yes physical attraction is important in relationships to an extent. I would rather have the person see me first, then we could go or not go from there
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:23am

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. As a veteran "OLD-er" I would suggest that you learn from this experience and a, either post your photo or exchange them right away and b, meet sooner rather than later, instead of talking online and on the phone for hours. When I first started doing OLD, I didn't know better, and spent too much time chatting before meeting, only to find that more often than not, that "connection" we felt was pretty much only in our heads.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 4:18pm
Thank you so much for your response, and I will learn from this experience. This was really my first big "foray" into the whole online dating thing, and I think it just served to reinforce much of what I already thought about the phenomenon. I never wanted to mislead anyone or present myself as something I'm not, but at the same time, I never thought there'd be the possibility for such a connection. This is just happening at the wrong time. I just wish this whole thing could just be over with and I could move on at this point. I must admit I feel like a fool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 4:24pm
It's really going to take some time before I get to the point where I think he really isn't a great guy (even despite this scenario), but I understand what you're saying.
I know that physical attraction is important in a relationship (I think even moreso at the start of a relationship in normal dating scenarios), and I thought I was prepared to deal with the backlash if it was negative, but apparently I'm not. I think I've fallen a lot harder than I ever could have originally imagined! The worst part is, we will eventually have to see each other again (because we have a mutual friend that brought us together). Hopefully, by the time that happens I will have gotten over this whole thing, and I can put a smile on my face and be civil. Rarely am I the optimist, but I have to admit that I'm secretly hoping he calls before the weekend ends. I shake my head at myself after even typing that last sentence.