Am I losing my dignity? Should I stay??!
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| Sat, 07-15-2006 - 10:39am |
I can't believe what a pitifully pathetic piece of manure I've become, but I need to talk about this to anyone who can hear. I'm 22 and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months. This is my fourth serious relationship, and I am ready to settle down. This is HIS first serious relationship. I let him know this about four months into our relationship that marriage was my goal, and though he was surprised and a bit confused at first, he seemed to want to get married as much as I did more and more every day. When I let him know from the start that I wouldn't wait for him more than 5 years (probably not even that long), he said that he wanted to get marry ASAP. We even opened a bank account together. But it's been a couple of months since he told me that maybe we won't get married as soon as I had hoped. BUT LAST NIGHT... last night he told me he's not sure he even wants to marry anymore. He just graduated college and he says he's not sure of what he wants anymore. And now he told me that he doubts he'll even be ready to marry in 5 years. He says he wants to marry eventually, but he doesn't know when.... and, he said, "as much as I love you," he's not even sure if we are compatible.
I love him as I've loved no other man.... and though I've tried breaking up with him before, he always begs me not to go... but last night HE broke up with me. He cried like a baby, as did I... but I ran to my house. I couldn't stand the pain of losing him, and I called him telling him that it doesn't matter and that we can work on it. We got back togehter instantly, but things don't really feel the same. Yet he demands the same level of intimacy-- like, sex and sleeping over. I asked him how long are we going to "play house," and he says he doesn't know. WHAT HURTS ME THE MOST is that he said he was so sorry for hurting me, but that he really meant what he had said about spending his life with me at the time. "At the time... I really meant it. I deluded myself." And the bank account? THat was part of the delusion as well.
Now, my question is, should I, the once strong independent woman, and now a pathetic loser-- should I rehearse and wait for him to realize that it is I who he wants to marry, knowing that no matter how much effort I put on my part, I know there's a risk he might let me go? I love him VERY much. I've always been careless and somewhat selfish in relationships which is why they never really worked in the past-- which is why I am trying so hard, because I think he's worth it... but am I losing my dignity? I mean, he's a great guy. Responsible, mature, punctual, loving, caring, spends most of his time with me.. but some of the reasons for our constant bickering have to do with our difference in personalities. You see, he is extremely social and most of his friends are female, whereas I am not too social unless I am attracted to someone, and I am a bit financially irresponsible. He says he wants someone who is financially responsible... and I want to be that way... but if I do, he'll think that I am doing it for him, because honestly I think I am coming off as desperate, and he'll think that I'd do anything to marry him. And I would... but I have no clue what to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he's not sure if that's what he wants anymore.
READERS, please, tell me, WHAT should I do? I love this guy to death, but is he worth my time? SHould I continue to give him "free rides" knowing that I may not get to marry him? Or was he just feeling pressured by my ultimatums and it's in my shoes now to prove that I am not as bitchy? SHould I change my convictions just to keep the guy? PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!

Sweethear, it appears that you're the kind of girl who "loves too much" and it's a pain to see how a break up leaves you powerless. Nobody can tell you what to do and only you can make that desicion because it's your life. It's possible that your ex thought at the time that you could be the one, but later had a change of heart. This happens unfortunatelly and at eleven months or even before your ex showed signs that "you may not be the one after all". The joint account that you both opened was just that an account that needs to be closed. Maybe the initial infatuation was too much for both of you and it seemed that "you were heading for marriage". This infatiuation/honeymoon stage starts to fade away into the 6th to 9th month and new behaviors start appearing, the true self.
Never compromise your convictions for a guy or anyone for that matter. Your values and belifs is what you are and noone is worth changing them. Men come and go, but your dignity and convictions are who you are. If you change for a guy the result will be a selfless person trying to please a partner. That life is miserable because you'd be living for the other and not for you.
In your place, I wouldn't wait around to see if he changes his mind or comes around. He was clear and what he said and believe men when they say something this direct. If you decide to wait it'spossible that he may never come back to you and that you'd end up lossing valuable time that you could have invested in yourself and your healing.