Don't know where I'm going!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Don't know where I'm going!!!!
2
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 6:32pm
Hello, I am a 25 year old female and I have been in a relationship with a really sweet and sensitive guy for about 3 years, we talked about marriage on occasion but we are really trying to get our priorities together. He moved with his Cousin and his wife about 6 months into or relationship (they asked him to be room mates) and since he had his own back room we practically lived together (I still lived at home but was over his house constantly). He then moved back home, he is trying to get his own place, and I am really proud of him because he passed the State exam to get his real estate license and is trying to get into the business. But here is the problem, I have trust issues, insecurities from past bad relationships and I am always sensitive and emotional. I always took things out on him and fight with him practically picking on him because of all of my emotions. He always stayed and gave me the benefit of the doubt and whenever It really got bad, he would say he couldn't do it anymore and I would beg for his forgiveness and he would give me chance after chance to change and I never did. Well in May he finally said no more and broke up with me for good, now I am lonely and sad. I called him and told him about a week after we broke up that I am really trying to change and I love him and he agreed to see me, but not get back together with me. We see each other now about 3 times a week, and whenever I try to ask "what are we doing" he says he wants to take it slow because being in a relationship right now is not what he wants. I asked him if he would see other people and he said no and if he did want to see other people he would let me know, and If he wanted to see someone else he would let me know. One day while we were getting ready to go out I snooped and saw that he had a girls number in his phone and I asked who she was, he told me it was business and that he is always trying to network with different people because he wants to do well in real estate, he said that he talked to her about refinancing or something. I didn't beleive him, and he said "Tameka why would you even be with someone if you thought they were gonna hurt you!, I trust you to tell me if you are going to see another guy!". I looked in his phone the next weekend and I saw her number on a Saturday night around 8:00 it looks like he called her and I got so mad I called him out on it again and he got really mad stating " I told you its business, and I really don't like when you ask me the same questions again and again" He asked me to leave and the next day I called him and he said he was sorry he acted so mad but I really hurt him for blaming him again for talking to this girl. I know this is a long post but I am hurting because we are spending less time together, but when we are together he hugs me and kisses me, and we make love. I miss him so much, I don't know what to do. Any advice you guys?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:38pm

If you realize you have trust issues then work on them. Do some soul searching and see why you don't trust your BF or why you're afraid of lossing them or else. It seems that your constant questioning and maybe acussations made him realize that he couldn't deal with it for the rest of his life and that's why he broke up with you. It's true that past relationships affect our present, but they should not affect our future otherwise we'd be living in the past.

Since you still love him and are now in a FWB deal, I'd stop the sex and hugging and kissing and would start working on me and my issues. You're too focused on what he's doing and on what he wants and are ignoring you're own needs. This is understandable because you still love him. However, the more time you spend with him and the more sex and kissing you have with him the more time you're wasting time to recover yourself. He now gets to have sex with you without a committment. This is really unfair to you because he's taking advantage of the situation. He knows you love him and that you'd have sex with him if he wants to. BUT when he is asked "where are we going" his reponse is taking it slow.

In your place I'd stop all contact with him to work on you and your issues. After you're a new and healthy person you can call him. There is a high probvability though that after you have gone through the changes you won't even think abut getting back with him if he's available. You'd be a different person wanting to get together with a healthy partner.

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 4:23am

growingup1981...

Sometimes many of us are OUR OWN WORST ENEMY! Pianoguy is convinced that this applies in your case.

If you have personal emotional disorders....which you may or may not be aware of....you gotta take care of 'em FIRST! Whether you need to consult with a professional psychiatrist, psychologist or a trusted friend (who isn't afraid to tell it like it is TO OUR FACE)...DO IT!

It's also clear (to me anyway) that all the fighting the two of you had in the past was the result of all the LACK OF TRUST issues that you had in your previous relationships? So after TOO MUCH VERBAL SPARRING...we often find it easier to drop a woman than put up with more of the same?

Here's where most women BLOW IT with men. They want to compare their current b/f (or husband) with a previous one....which won't work! Physically...we might be 'put together' the same way? But our thoughts, feelings, the way we tackle certain chores, our attitude toward you, etc. could (and usually does) COMPLETELY VARY! So if you (or anybody else reading this) is hoping that we'll respond and accept your quirkiness and aloof behavior 100% of the time....FORGET IT!

Speaking of which...you'd better get over the snoopiness! Most men HATE this...it's a guaranteed relationship-killer! You AREN'T our Mom, our boss, or someone we have to report to and offer accountability for our actions!

You're supposed to be the GIRLFRIEND who wants to love, understand and BE with us!

I can't blame the man for wanting to take things with you V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y! I doubt I could handle your 'hot and cold mood swings' either?

Pianoguy