He's pulling away - how can I stop it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
He's pulling away - how can I stop it?
4
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 6:58pm

My bf and I have been together 6 months. The first 5 months were amazing. In the last few weeks, things seem different. I feel distance between us. Though he still calls me a lot and wants to see me and treats me "nicely", I'm noticing he has practically stopped making references to future plans, has shown me less affection and he has started little tiffs with me or made immature remarks. It's clear that the progression of our relationship has halted. I suspect he's having some doubts about us. I also suspect that now that the newness is gone, he's gotten a bit bored.

I'm a very confident, mature woman with a lot going for me so by no means do I want to settle for this behavior long-term. That said, I don't want to throw in the towel just yet. Things are certainly not beyond saving. I know my bf does care a lot about me. I know that most relationships go through ruts. They take work. And I know that this is typical/common guy behavior for which there has to be a solution.

So what is the best tactic to take to try to get us back on track? I've tried to compensate for his behavior by giving him extra affection but it's just making me feel worse - like I'm the only one trying. I know that guys respond best to a challenge. I think that I could play games - be less available, wait hours to return his calls, show him he's not the center of my world. Plus this will help me detach myself from him, should we ultimately break up.

The past few weeks have been really hard on me. I'm seeing something so wonderful begin fall apart. If it continues, I won't stay, but I'd like to try to save what we have before it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 9:53pm

Hi Missyleigh

I don't think this is common guy behaviour at all. At least, not from guys who value the relationship. Guys DON'T sabotage relationships that they want. Not unless he's got loads of baggage or is mentally unstable. And lets face it, you don't want that kind of guy anyway.

And I also don't believe that great relationships take loads of work. Sure, bad relationships take work, but good ones are easy. Communiation is easy and problem resolution is easy.

I'd lay money that he's banking on the knowledge that you won't tolerate this long term. He's hoping that you'll dump him and save him the work.

Sorry that I can't be more positive - but you sound like the type of woman who will recover quickly and move on with her life.

**edited to add** Don't play games such as being less available. If he is having second thoughts, he needs to consider the relationship based on who you really are. If you present a persona that is not the usual you, it will only confuse matters and make you even more miserable.




Edited 7/16/2006 10:03 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:06pm
Thanks for your honesty. That could certainly be true and believe me I do think about it. I've been in 6 fairly serious relationships in my 27 years and I have a pretty good knowledge of how things work and when things AREN'T working. That said, I don't quite think he's sabotoging the relationship and re-reading my initial post, I see that I painted a bit of a melodramatic picture. For example, in the past hour, he has called me twice, texted me and sent me an email. Today we went to a bookstore together, he bought a book for me and he put his arm around me and said "honey, come help me find a book I'd like." Last weekend we went to a friend's wedding and he took me under the moonlight to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I look. I don't think our relationship is ending. If he wanted that, he'd stop calling frequently or he'd make excuses of why he can't see me, rather than spend the entire weekend with me. Rather, I think he's a bit emotionally immature and certainly no relationship professional. Now that we're past the point of casual, he's a bit uncomfortable and scared to move to the next level (a level which I believe he sees as eternal commitment). I guess it's more an issue of us stalling.


Edited 7/16/2006 10:13 pm ET by missyleigh41
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:15am

Ok...now I'm really confused. You've just done a complete about face. In your first post, you were very firm about the fact that he's pulling away....but now you've disagreed with yourself.

In the first post, you talked about not staying around if he keeps treating you this way. Given that you've just painted a perfect picture of a relationship, what exactly is he doing wrong that you won't tolerate?

Also, you mentioned that he's scared to move to the next level. What exactly IS the next level? And given that you've only been together 6 months, what is the hurry?

Lastly, why were you being melodramatic? If things really aren't so bad, why were you exaggerating the issues? Have you got some unresolved baggage that is effecting your judgement?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:14am
no no. he is pulling away. the affection and the talk about doing things in the future has certainly lessed and he has become moody and irritable with me more so. but things are not hopeless and completely over either. my first post was perhaps overly negative (as i wrote it while feeling very down about us) so i was trying to point out some of the positive things that he does still do, to show you that he's not necessarily sabotaging things. i believe he is having doubts about us but he is not looking to end things either. instead i think he's playing things out for a bit more to see how he feels. as for "the next level" we've been together six months yet emotionally i think things haven't progressed. the extent of his emotional communication is stuff like "i had fun with you last night," "you're funny", "you look great tonight." i feel far stronger for him than just "having fun" . he seems unable or unwilling to me really let me close to him, so instead i feel a wall has been created b/w us. i don't think i have baggage; i think what i do have are certain expectations of what i want in a relationship that are not being met.