i tend to come on strong...plz help
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i tend to come on strong...plz help
| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:01pm |
I can be a bit intense at times and its a real problem. I come on too strong and i want or expend to much or at least i think thats what the problem is. I've been with this guy for like just about 2 years. At first we were so inlove and everything was bliss, we'd spend all the time we could with eachother, every waking minute we could, before school, after school, before bed. After awhile it started becoming less and less and not because of me, it was more of his choice then mine, my choice is to be with him as much as I can possible cause I just love being with him. But after awhile he started doing a lot of things with friends, working out, sports, studying, movies, mall trips, parties...so on. I totally understand that he wants and need to hang out with his guy friends sometimes but in his case its more like all the time, he really spends more time with his friends then me and it hurts me cause i tell him all the time how i want to spend time with him so much. Lately i've kind of given up the struggle of complaining for him to spend time with me, things have really went downhill from there, its literally 30min of talking time if I'm lucky. Almost everyday he promises me a time when we'll spend time together and then he goes and makes plans with friends and totally forgets about me, he says he loves me and cares about me but why doesn't he ever want to spend time with me. I feel really hurt by this, I know the saying goes, "girl/boyfriends come and go but friends will always be there" and i know his friends play that card with him, but if thats true, then this is also true, true love doesn't come around a lot and when you find it you should never let go and fight for it and whatever else people say about love. obviously i need to find a way to get over my...wanting to always spend time with him, or find someone who's going to want to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with them...I don't want to find someone else though. So how do I stop being like this?? I've been in relationships before and i haven't spent this much time with anyone before nor have even thought about being with someone that much or have wanted to always be with someone this much, so how can i stop??? right now, all i got is ...waiting for university to start up again, in about a month in a half and just bury myself in tons and tons of work, but until then i'm myserable!
sorry this is so long, i'd appreciate any help though!
sorry this is so long, i'd appreciate any help though!

Once it becomes a struggle then how do you know he's spending time with you because he wants to? The approach you describe is not a good one for creating a healthy relationship, because the guy will either come to resent you or do things just to please you (and not because he wants to of his free will). Yes, true love doesn't happen everyday, but if you cling to it with an iron grip and suffocate it until it can't breathe, you destroy it. I'm not a guy, but I am a person who is very averse to the coming on strong approach. I feel stifled and inevitably resentful.
If you want to change your ways, just relax and realize that you cannot control your boyfriend, and any attempt to control him will be counterproductive. If he loves you he'll want to spend time with you and you won't have to struggle or come on strong. All you can do is let him know how you feel and what you would like in the relationship. Then it's up to him to reciprocate (or not). But don't try to dictate his actions or struggle with him to make him spend time with you. That's more an indication that something's wrong in the relationship than anything else.
in_pieces...
Pianoguy suggests you take a look at the reasons your previous relationships have been failures. If they ended due to your possessiveness and "strength of character", you might want to BACK OFF A LITTLE?
Most men love it when women wish to 'hang out', love them and basically be by their side!
HOWEVER...
Many of us occasionally need a breather! It doesn't matter if we're married or single. We often find it necessary to have "GUYS NIGHTS OUT"---or at least not feel obligated to be home at a certain hour? .
In your enthusiasm to "build your life around the man you've described"...you're inadvertently SMOTHERING HIM...and HURTING YOUR CHANCES OF EVER HOOKING UP WITH ANYBODY!
So please..."back off!" You must have other interests in your life aside from just a boyfriend.....don't you?
Pianoguy
First of all...get some friends of your own, hang out with them and find ways to have fun without her bf around...
Second..if you do the first thing I said chances are he will realize he misses you. Guys are tricky, if they never get a true chance to miss you then they don't get a chance to really appreciate you again.
I am almost positive he doesnt want a girl friend that he feels needs him all of the time, he wants a girl who will go out and have some independence and say ..well screw him if he doesnt want to see me i will find other things to do ..and then let him make the first move when he wants to see you.
If he does...they he does care and it will make you feel really great. If he doesnt..then screw him, he obviously isnt ready for the same type of relationship that you are. I know its hard but sometimes people just aren't on the same page.