Fixable or beyond repair?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:24pm |
I have been with my bf 6 months. Because I have been in love with him for least 2 months now, about a month ago, I sort of asked him about our future (and implicitly asked if he was planning on saying those three words anytime soon). In response he said "I need more time but it will happen soon. Obviously I wouldn't be in this relationship if I didn't see a potential future together." I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. I should have realized that everything was pretty great in our relationship and allowed him some time.
Instead, over the next few weeks, I grew frustrated, started a few little tiffs with him and became a bit clingy/needy - not disastrously so but apparently enough to affect him. Then, July 4th weekend while drunk at a friend's romantic beach house, I broke down. I cried hysterically and told him that it's too hard for me to hold back my feelings and wait for him to catch up emotionally. This time, his response was different. While he still maintained that he needs time and he's scared (he's never been in a serious relationship before and I have been in several), he ALSO told me he's feeling pressure from me, he's noticing that I get upset so easily, and he feels like things were progressing for him and then they just halted. Worst of all, he told me that he cares a lot about me and thinks I'm amazing but he just doesn't feel love for me yet and perhaps that means we're not right for each other. I asked him several times if all this meant that he wanted to break up but he repeatedly said "no."
Now things just feel different. He still calls me a ton and we spend lots of time together and there are still great moments between us (the weekend after July 4th we had his friend's wedding and b/w the romantic vibe and our awful July 4th, I really felt he was trying to make things up to me by giving me compliments and being especially affectionate through the night) . But overall, that beach conversation weighs on me. My confidence has plummeted and my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I was so comfortable and confident about us and now I see this wall forming between us. Though I'm trying to stay positive and show him my best side (the beach convo was a HUGE wake up call that I need to curb my needy side and stop with the dumb tiffs - I really see how my behavior the past month has sabotaged the relationship), on the inside I'm constantly replaying the beach conversation and pessimistically overanalyzing his every move.
One minute I'm confident that we can work things out and get back on track and the next minute we seem doomed. Plus I'm starting to wonder whether we're just too different emotionally (he's very closed off emotionally and I'm extremely emotionally open and loving) for this to ever work. I know that I deserve someone who feels 100% about me and someone who can put up with a couple fights and a rough patch here and there. Perhaps it's best if we go our separate ways BUT it's also killing me to think that my pressure and nagging may have turned something wonderful into a huge mess. So what do posters think - is this relationship savable, beyond saving or not worthy of saving? Thanks so much!!!

I'm not a guy, but I find myself in a position similar to your boyfriend's, in that my bf is the one initiating conversations about the future. I think the main difference between the two of us is that I'm happy to enjoy the moment and the gradual process of falling in love and he needs firm declarations about us being in it for the long haul in order for him to feel secure about the relationship. His insistently talking about the future doesn't make me love him less or want to get out of the relationship, but it does make me feel like he doesn't appreciate how good things are now and that he only values me as a security blanket. Sometimes we have to clear the air, with me assuring him that I love him and am not going anywhere. So, your boyfriend could be feeling something similar, but you never know until you have a frank discussion about it.
Make him understand that this was a symptom of your insecurity, but also make sure you can get the assurance from him that you need (that he's committed to the relationship).
Finding love is such a wonderful thing and it's sad when one person's insecurities ruin it or make it a struggle to maintain that love.