Is it too soon? What is too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Is it too soon? What is too soon?
2
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:00pm
Hello there, how you? I am very confused about my current situation. I really need some understanding because i am not sure what to do. I also know in the end this is all up to me, but I need someones help. A few months ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. I was with Justin for three years. He was my first everything. Anywho it has been a emtional roller coaster ride for me since then. I have not received any counseling for this, and I am unsure if I need it or not. Anyways after that relationship ended, not too long after, I starting seeing this guy friend of mine more often than I think I should have. His name is Tony. I have worked with Tony for more than a year and I knew for awhile that he had a huge crush on me, but as you know I was dating Justin. He was never pushy, actually he just watched me from a distance, and let me be. He thought he was never ever going to get the oppurtunity to be with me. I never thought that I was going to kiss him or try anything with this guy because I just got out of a relationship. I didn't think anything of this at the moment. As time passed I guess I fell for him. The thing is though that before he and I started to see each other on a friendly basis, I made a decision to go to Hawaii for the summer. I am in Hawaii now. The confusion has startd since I have been here. I don't know what I want anymore, and I am unsure because before I left Tony we expressed feelings for each other. I felt those feelings for him at one point. They were pretty strong. At times throughout this relationship, I have tried to let Tony go because I have been dealing with this situation with Justin. during these times Tony didn't understand why. He wanted to go through the tunnel of chaos with me, so I let him.Which I greatly appreciate. He has been my rock, but I am unsure if that is all he was. I do love Tony, but I am not sure if I am in love with him. Tony and I have expressed our feelings for each other since I have been down here. Especially in the beginning. I have been down here for 6 weeks now and I feel that I don't share the same feelings. He's crazy about me and I like that idea that he loves me so much but i just want to be fair to him. Also, since I have been down here working and enjoying myself, someone has caught my interest. I have not acted on this because of the uncertainty of this situation with Tony. Things moved fast, but he has been a true friend through all of this. I feel that at times when I try to explain why I need for him to let me be, he always syas he thinks thta is not the solution and that he thinks that is a bad idea. He gets scared that he might lose me or that he may never hear from me again. What is the solution? Tony is a great guy I feel that I wil be making the biggest mistake of my life if I let him go, becasue he is like know one I have ever met before. The timing is horrible and he knows that. My questions are if this is too soon? Do I need more time? Is it normal for me to be attracted to someone else while I thought that I was in love with Tony? Should I just be alone for awhile longer? How do I figure this out? Tony is coming down here for 9 days to fly home with me. I like it down here and have been thinking about staying here anther month. The thing is I was excited when he first asked if it was a good idea sure, It was like a day later when I landed. Anywho I am looking forward still, but just don't know. Should he come down here still? Is it because of our distance? I do love him but sometimes I feel like I just want to live. I don't want to deal with a boyfriend, which I feel this is. I don't think he was a rebound. He was definitely a friend first, but he did always like me. I am unsure because it is getting serious to soon. How soon is too soon? I am very very confused and I apolgize if I confuse whomever is reading this. A friend here has stated that he should come down here and if during that time if I am ecstatic then well I need to fly home with him because that is where I need to be and well if I am not then he should fly home alone, and I shall stay another month. Simple as that. The thing is I want to stay another month. I like it here and because I was only suppose to be down here for 3 months I fell in love. He knows that. He's talking about moving down here if I decide this is where I want to be. The thing is I don't know if I want him with me down here if I decide to come back. I haven't been on my own or this faraway from home ever. i am 24 years with the feeling and knowing that my life is just about to begin. I like the idea of being on my own. I like the idea of traveling. I like the idea of meeting new and exciting people. He says he wants to do that with me and at one point I wanted him to. These past 2 weeks I have been getting out more and having a good time. I think that's why I am not ready to leave, because I have been seeing more and meeting more people. I don't want to leave yet. Am I being selfish? Please someone help. I have alot going on with my life, and I don't know where to begin. Sould he remain in my life even if he is just a friend? He says he'll take me any way he can, as long as he is in my life. Should he stop telling me that he loves me, should I stop telling him. Can we make it through this without someone getting hurt? Is it ton late? Please help I would like to make the best possible decision for myself and not hurt anyone if I choose to remain alone. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 9:08am

Hi and welcome. I can see where this can be so confusing and I will tell you what I would do well actually I did. I was in an abusive relationship and left when I was 23. I took a year off from dating or meeting anyone because I needed to get me together and find what I liked to do. For you, it seems in Hawaii you are doing just that. When you were back home with Tony it was natural to fall back into a relationship because he was so readily available but to be honest that is not what you need. You need a friend, someone to help you get yourself back.


Marie

Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:06am

Hello

There's a sense of of urgency and sort of, desparation in your post that really jumped out at me. For myself, things that are urgent are rarely important, and things that are important are rarely urgent. When I am feeling frustrated and confused, its usually a pretty good indicator that I am probably just not listening to myself. Get yourself in a calm place so you can make a clear, rational decision. YOUR decision, not someone making the decision for you. Listen to the inner voice, amazing how much it knows. Its your voice. Tune out the static and tune it in.

With regard to the being too soon thing. Something I read somewhere's in my travels about broken hearts, starting new relationships...if your leg is broken, do you attempt to walk on it? If YOU are broken (and coming out of an abusive situation, you are broken)do you forge ahead without healing..take time to heal..its sounds to me like you want to do that. Don't let someone else get in the way of your healing. Keep the focus on YOURSELF. Healthy won't be able to get into your life if you continue on a path allowing others to steer your ship.

Yes, I would suggest the counseling. That's up to you. I have been in abusive situations. Nothing changes, if nothing changes, ya know? If you keep doing what you always do, you will get what you will always get. I had to get some help otherwise,the same sort of man would just continued to "show up" in my life. That's changed because I have changed.

good luck and God Bless

God bless

Cyclegirl