Too young to get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Too young to get married?
10
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:56am

When is too young to get married?

I am so confused. My boyfriend and me have been together for a year and a half, I am 20 years old and he is 21 years old..however both of us have birthdays coming up very soon. We love each other completely and care for each other in ways that I never thought I could care for someone. I can't see my future without him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We talk about marriage all the time but I never thought it would happen for a long time. But two weeks ago he asked me what I want my engagement ring to look like and them shortly after that he asked me what age I saw myself getting engaged, stating that we wouldnt have to set a date for at least 2 years. I said a good age would probably be like 22 but that is over a year away and it seems like so long for him and it kind of does to me too..i just never could have imagined myself getting engaged at the age of 21. My dad is ferious..he says I am way too young (because my bf told him that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me)..but I know my feelings and me and him have been through thick and thin, we practically live toghether and want to start a life together..just me and him. Plus, my dad would get over it...but am I ready to give up my freedom and my young life? My bf says I don't have to..he looks at marriage or engagement as just a different title on what we already have, meaning that life wouldnt change too much.

What do you guys think? How young is too young?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 8:19am

freespirit85...

Pianoguy can sympathize with your DAD....simply because both of us "have seen the ups and downs" of married life!

To be honest, I think that age doesn't matter. It's the AMOUNT OF MATURITY a couple has within themselves and for each other.

While you might be under the impression that you'll gain all the maturity that you need within the next 2 years...you might not? The first 5 years usually determine whether most couples will succeed or fail at marriage!

WHY?

Because a lot of the unexpected setbacks you didn't expect have a tendency to emerge within that timeframe! So whether you and your b/f are capable of dealing with them or not is a difficult call?

My only suggestion (and this might echo the sentiments of your Dad) is for each of you TO FULFILL YOUR PERSONAL DESIRES...FIRST! After those are completed, and the 2 of you are in sync with each other, deciding whether the time is right for marriage becomes a little easier?

Just remember that having a partner is 'NO BED OF ROSES' 100% of the time!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:12am

Sounds like he's blowing smoke at you. Remember guys like to talk, but until he actually does it, then it's for real. Some like to tell you what you want to hear, and there are others that actually mean it, but that's rare.

At 20 and 21, I would say yes, you are way too young. Myself personally, I went through a lot of changes between then and now at age 27. It's really one thing at your age to start thinking about the whole idea and living together and all of that, but it's a completely different deal when you are that young, you don't have your education, job/career, etc. The thought of what the ring would look like or being in the same house and sharing the same bed might seem wonderful to you, but there's a lot more things that needed to be taken into consideration before you do something like that. I had a BF at 18 who started talking about marriage, but he never asked me. I was so in love with him that I was really starting to think about it. But that marriage would have never lasted.

Think about this, my sister is the same age as you are. She's in her junior year and she's now 5 months pregnant and scared. She's in a situation where her BF is a mental case, he doesn't have a job, isn't even finished with his AA (and it's looking like he wont finish it), he hasn't made any effort to get one, and this baby is due to arrive by xmas. The BF's family, (namely his aunts, because his father died) have been forcing the idea of marriage down their throats. Now my sister at least has enough brain cells left not to go thru with that (hopefully). At first she though that it might help, but she's now figuring out that if she went down that route, it would make it even worse. This guy mooches off of her, and our family, and she is slowly starting to realize that she's going to be alone to raise this kid. Bottom line, don't feel like you have to jump into something just because, or because the other person is entertaining that thought, and it sounds good to you. Make sure that it's what you want and that you are 110% sure about it.

Remember, that if you really truely love this guy, you need to get your education on track and get a career started, including him, and wait untill that happens. Being married without any kind of set job/education makes it that much harder, and that much more stressful for the other person involved. If you both did that, and at least graduated college (if you are in college) and got jobs, that would make you parents feel a little better too. But if you both or 1 of you aren't in college with no future job goals, it will make it VERY difficult...trust me. Life would change a lot; a lot more than you think.

Give this some time, get to know him a little better than just a year. Give it at least 2 or more. A lot of times, you really get to know a person better after knowing them over a year. You are in a good position now, and if you decide to go into a marriage, make sure you have your life in order as well as him. It's only fair to the both of you and will make things better in the long run for a happy marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:41am
Hi!! I poke around these boards every now and then and your post piqued my interest. I'm 20 as well and my bf is 27 and the topic of marriage has been picked up tossed around and put down several times. I really think that you both should focus on school and then pick the idea up
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:34am
Well this is something that is totally up to the couple, but IMO I think 20 and 21 is sort of young to be getting married. Maybe i'm biased because I got married at 23 and it didnt work out...but you really do a lot of changing in your 20's. It doenst always mean that your love and feelings for each other will change, but unfortunately it does sometimes. I suppose it depends on how badly you want it. Lots of couples make it, but with the divorce rate these days, lots dont.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:23pm

Thank you Sweatpea79, I really appreciate your comments. I am not sure I am in the same boat as your sister however..which I know you had no way of knowing. I am in my senior year of college and practically alredy have a job, my bf is in his first year of dental school and we both practically live with each other already.

I do, however, plan on taking your advice seriously and give it a lot more time. Because you're right..I am 100 percent sure that I want this..but only about 50 percent sure that I want it right now.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:29pm

Thanks prtyin_pink, it is great to hear that someone else my age is also playing with this idea a little. I am def going to finish school before we do anything..he however has 4 years of dental school ahead of him. I have 25 credits left until I am done and then I have to get a job..which frightingly could take me any where in the world. I think we are both playing with it so much more seriously right now because in about 6/7 months we are goign to have to make the decision on whether we want to move in together or if I want to go hundreds a miles away (which we have done and it is no fun for either of us). But I do plan on taking a lot of time to really think about this and he knows that I am not going to yes to a proposal until I am absolutely sure, which he is well aware is not going to happen for a little while. I think it is just different in this day and age where everyone is getting married later, yet a few people (especially in college) are getting engaged during their senior years..which is what I think my bf is planning on.

Thanks so much for your comment, it helps to talk to someone other than my parents and my friends who don't even want to hear that it is being talked about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 6:22am
OMG.............DO NOT GET MARRIED SO YOUNG!!
I did. I got engaged at 20, married at 21. I am now 41 and soooooooooo unhappy. I wish I had spent my younger days going out, doing things that I could of done before I had a mortgage and kids. I work at a local bar and some of the other waitreses there are in there 20's and talk about all the fun they are having. I am SO jealous of them. For years I have come home to a kitchen to cook dinner in, put food on the table, take care of the kids and feed him and listen to him complain about his job.
Marriage changes everything and you will be a totally different person at 25 then at 20. You will grow more, want different things in a person then you do now. What is important to you at 20 won't be at 25. Qualities you liked in someone when you were 20 you might find annoying at 25, or 30.
If I were giving my daughter advice, I would tell her to wait till she is 30.
I know it might seem like a long time to wait till 22 to get married to this guy.
But trust me, the court process for divorce is very long and expensive. Once you get that ring on your finger there is no easy way out. Its very costly and most women, like me, end up staying in an unhappy relationship cuz they can't afford to divorce.
Date others, live it up while you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 8:45am


My opinion on the subject, at 36 years of age, is that marriage should be practically banned before one is 30, and I mean it!

You don't realise it now, and no matter what me or anyone else on this board says to you you will still not really get it, but believe me, you are too young to even be going out with someone on THAT steady a level, let alone live with them - and I won't even go into the marriage thing. You are both barely out of teenage years; you will change and change again totally and completely, personality-wise and towards each other, many times over in the next 5-10 years. You will change your views, your opinions, your likes and dislikes, your preferences for personality types, your physical type of a partner.. It is extremely rare that two people who get together that young change 'in one direction'. That you will change and become a different person by the time you are 27 is a fact; what is not very likely is that this new 'you' will still want your partner, who himself will have changed, most likely in a different direction from you. As I said, maturing 'identically' and 'in the same direction' is, if you think of it, almost impossible logically, and is incredibly rare. And I will not even go into the whole subject of sexual experimentation, perfectly natural desire to explore and discover; I just do not see how a person of 21 - should they stay with their partner forever and ever and remain faithful - will avoid eventually getting to a point where they will start wondering what else was/is/will be out there and what they were/are/will be missing out on.

When I think back of men I found irresistible and was prepared to die for at your age, I just sort of get a mixture of incredulous astonishment and hysterical laughter kind of reaction and can't for the life of me believe that I even gave them a second glance, let alone let alone let alone...

Bottom line is, yes, you are incredibly young to be getting married. My boyfriend is 39, I am 36, we've been together for 2.5 years and I will not even entertain the idea of moving in with him, let alone marrying him because believe me, some people are just not meant for those things, and I am mature enough to realise that he and I aren't.

My advice to you would be to take full advantage of your super young age and explore what life has to offer. Keep the man around for as long as you wish lol; move on if you no longer feel the same, he will recover soon enough. There are so many things and people and feelings that you haven't yet done met and experienced. Don't trap yourself unnecessarily and prematurely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 8:01pm

I know you think that age doesn't matter, but trust me...is better to give it more time, I'm 22 and have been for almost 3 years with my boyfriend, after a year in the relationship, he also started giving hints and stuff...and naturally I was excited and couldn't wait for him to pop the question; kinda like you are right now.
Thankfuly, that hasn't happened yet, and YES I AM SAYING THANKFULY! because now, two years later I've realized that it would have been a huge mistake.
Back then, I was 20 like you, and you won't believe how much I've changed and grown up in only two years...imagine in ten years.

I'm not saying that you should give up on the idea, I'm just saying you should wait.
In my case I've been able to get my degree, get a great job and support myself, not just that, but to have all I want for myself (I'm a bit of a shopoholic and a mortgage isn't something very appealing)...and even with this, I still sometines think I'm investing too much time in this relationship and not hanging out with friends as much as I should.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my boyfriend, and want to spend the rest of my life with him, we are still hoping to get married within the next two to three years; and my advice would be to do the same, I now it seems like a lot of time, but time flies and you'll realize that it's not only about love, a marriage is a big responsability and you don't want to end up being just another statistic for divorce rates.

As for what he's been telling you, I wouldn't take it too seriously...right now he's just very much in love...but that wil change -not that he'll stop loving you- but the passion you have for each other right now will fade a little bit in time, and you'll be able to see through the love bubble that use to surround you and wil have to face real facts of adult life.

I know it may sound like I'm a kid trying to tell another kid what to do...but it's based on what I've experienced in only two years.

Best of luck!.

Daphne

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:54pm

"How young is too young?"

That really depends on the situation. I think people who have replied to this need to remember that you guys aren't necessarily talking about getting married right now but maybe in a couple years. And I don't think it's fair for people to say things like it should be banned getting married before the age of 30 when there are millions of people in this world who got married in their 20s and had successful marriages. My parents moved in together when my mom was 18 and my dad 21, got married at 23 and 26 and have been together 30 years this month!

Of course there are also millions of people who get married young and their marriages fell apart because of it which is why I'm also not saying "yeah go for it! everyone should get married young!". Everyone is different and every relationship requires individual assessment.

Personally, I think it would be wise to actually live together first. You might be "practically" living together now and it's not the same thing. When you get into fights or you just want some time alone, you can always temporarily go back to your individual homes. That's not possible when you live together.

It's good that you've already started to establish your careers as well, I think it's unwise for couples to marry before they are financially able to support themselves.

It's also wise that if you do get officially engaged right now, you plan to wait a couple years. My brother and his wife got engaged at 19! But they waited until they had both graduated and secured good jobs before getting married at 23. My dad wasn't happy to hear they were engaged so young but he relaxed a little when they told them they were planning to wait 3 years.

In fact, back in my Grandmother's day it was very common to get engaged early and have long engagements versus dating for a long time and then getting married quickly after the engagement. There's nothing wrong with either way you do it, it's what works best for you as a couple.

In the end though, if your boyfriend sees an engagement or marriage as just another title on what you already have and you're not sure if you're ready for marriage yet, what's the rush?