he proposed after 3 months of dating
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he proposed after 3 months of dating
| Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:37pm |
I met my boyfriend four months ago through family members who thought not only was he a great guy,but also we would be a perfect match. Well we hit it off from the very start. He was very up front about what he wanted out of a relationship which included marriage and kids. Over the course of the past two weeks he has dropped subtle hints about marriage, such what kind of wedding did I imagine having when I was a little girl? Did I ever want a kids?(he has two kids from a previous marriage)and how did I want to be proposed to? Last weekend, after watching the latest chick flick, he casually commented about "chucking it all" and running off to get married. I figured he was just "feeling the moment" and jokingly replied that I needed an engagement ring first. He said he would propose now if he thought I would except now. He said he knew he wanted to marry me from the first time he met me but he understands that I am the "grounded" one who has to analyze emotions and think things through logically. Finally, Friday, he said he wanted us to be married by this time next year. Well, family members on both sides got wind of his intentions. Everyone thinks the idea is crazy and no one should talk of marriage after only three months of dating. My family questions my feeling/motives? And have heard comments such as: "You are only thinking of marriage because you think your clock is ticking", "He is not right for you, you come from two different social classes" "Three months is too soon, try three years" or my all time favorite, "Can you see yourself married to him". The only reason I am easily influenced by their comments is because I have experienced so many toxic relationships, that a real relationship scares me until I have to analyze it to death. What do you guys think? How soon did you talk of marriage? Were you influenced by family members?

I think a proposal after only 3 months is a *little* scary. But it partially depends on your ages--it would be much scarier to me if you were in your 20s than if you were in your 40s. That said, while at 47 I'd like to have an idea after about six months or so of whether we were headed to marriage, I don't think I would get engaged to someone until we'd been dating for at least a year. I just know that it takes at least 4-6 months of dating to even BEGIN to get an idea of what the person is really like (as opposed to their best foot forward dating behavior), so I'd want to have plenty of time to see the person in all sorts of circumstances before getting engaged.
So, I'd be nervous that him proposing after only 3 months means he has a fantasy view of relationships and isn't realistic about things.
Sheri
I agree.
I'd also say that the fact that you are even questioning if his proposal is "acceptable behavior" means that YOU aren't ready for it. It definitely takes awhile to really get to know someone, so since you seem unsure, you should tell him. If this is a relationship that could head towards marraige, you have to be able to discuss this with him. Tell him that you think it could head that way, but that you're just not ready yet. If he really loves you, he will respect that.
Wait it out. And remember...while your friends and family have your best interest at heart, talking to too many people for advice will probably just confuse the situation. Also...you're the only one who is in a relationship with this guy--your friends and families aren't. I'm not saying to discount their opinions; I know I wouldn't be able to do that! But keep in mind that the decision about whether this is the guy for you is ultimately up to YOU.
Take a deep breath and give yourself all the time you need to make this very important, life-changing decision!!
What is the rush?
Date him for at least a year before making such a big commitment, you are in what many therapist refer to as "the honeymoon stage"..or the first 6 months of a relationship. Then..after that you start arguing and fighting and you see sides of each other you never wanted to see...then you can determine how good of a marriage you can have by the way that you deal with these differences.
Right now it might seem like he is your perfect match..but I strongly believe that while there maybe only one true person you click with out there..there is noone who is exactly the same as you in handleing problems and such. You have to see how well you two can work through problems..that will determine if your marriage is really meant to last.
I read your post and I thought I would respond. I am working on a new show for Warner Brothers Television called "The Dr. Keith Ablow Show". I have been speaking to many couples, just like you, who haven't been dating very long but know they want to get married. Your experience is no different from many of the couples I have spoken with. Family and friends sometimes don't understand the choices we make, even if they work for us.
The episode of the show that will address this issue will be an open discussion between couples and their families. It will be an opportunity for people to talk about their concerns with an acclaimed psychiatrist in a calm setting. I would love to speak with you.
Please consider contacting me at:
Michele Friedman
michele.friedman@drkeithtv.com
www.drkeithtv.com
Some of the things that you need to think of is he the type of person to jump the gun. Is he clingy, or is there something weird about him that you just can't figure out. Maybe he wants to get married because he picked the first person who said yes and doesn't want ot be alone. When he said "he wanted us to be married"...girl he's really thinking more about himself in that case. Do you know what happened with his last marriage? Yes, you probably said yes because of all your previous toxic relationships, and the fact that you didn't want to be alone either. It's possible he's got some kind of hidden agenda within himself and his own feelings. You need to express things to him, and don't get caught up. He seems to be manipualting things.
The fact of the matter is that you need to spend more time with this guy for at least another year. It does take at least 6 months+ to get to know a person better. The things you do and don't like about that person. You are at least in a position that you arent married to him yet, so that's good.
When 2 people come from 2 different social classes, it may or may not make a difference. Like if you have your degree and a good career going, and he's just wandering through life, job to job...that will become a problem down the road. You need to be able to see yourself married to him, and spend more time knowing him fully. You need to feel like you can come home to him at the end of the day knowing that you don't have anything to worry about. You are already having doubts, and you need to get past those doubts in order to move forward.
No one wants to be alone in this world, trust me I know. We spend our lives trying to find the one, and yet when we stop looking, or it's not even on our minds, he pops up into your world. When friends and family start saying things to you about him, beyond the whole marriage issue, you need to listen to that. I had a 4 yr relationship that ended over a month ago, and people for the past 2 years have been telling me the same thing. Get rid of him, you deserve better, you have so much going for you in your life, he needs time to grow up, tell him to stop calling you, etc. It only took me 4 years to get to that point, and about 5 days ago I told him to stop calling me. But life goes on, and I need to have faith know that if I stop looking, work on myself and getting to know and love me again, that new man will come into my life when I'm not looking. Bottom line is that you will do whatever you need to do when you are ready.
But you need to be able to settle for the one you can't live without, and not the first guy that pops up into your life and wants to get married.