Shacking up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Shacking up
10
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:19pm
Do men and women shack up for different reasons in the beginning?
From what I've been told, men shack up for sexual reasons, while women
shack up for committment. Is this a healthy way to go about gaining a
committed relationship?

Do you feel it's okay to shack up with your mate before marriage?
Share your personal story.

Marie


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“ Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. ”- Romans 15:2

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: bastphilliy
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:42pm
I think shacking up is nothing more than playing house and pretending. Men and women both do it for various reasons revolving around a mixture of because they get something with no commitment to settling for the half-assed virsion of the real thing. It's sex with no commitment. It's getting the goodies with out being held responsible and being obligated. It's the ultimate taking with out giving. It's the prostatution of oneself with out the pay.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: bastphilliy
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:16pm
But a piece of paper makes all the difference I suppose???
Especially with divorce rates being as high as they are, I tend to disagree. I am not so sure that marriage and 'shacking up' as you put it are really the same as they used be.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: bastphilliy
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:51pm

I've been living with my DH for nearly 14 years. I'm 39 and he's 45. But we're not formally married - we're long term defacto. We've got two kids aged 7 and 9 (one of which is disabled), a three legged dog, a mortgage, family health insurance, retirement plans, shared bank accounts and absolute commitment. And he was the sole breadwinner while I was a SAHM for 9 years. Yep, we're just the same as any other legally married couple.

Here in Australia, we have legal recognition as a couple. We are considered as "next of kin" for medical decisions and are considered to be a couple for health insurance, social security, income tax etc etc.

One of the reasons I have not married again is because I'm divorced. People say that marriage means commitment - but in actuality, it only takes another piece of paper to cancel the commitment. Knowing how easy it is to get out of a formal marriage makes the whole thing seem rather pointless to me.

Also, I should add that having children together provides me with far more dedication to our relationship than a marriage certificate ever could. When I left my first marriage, the only people my decision affected was me and my husband. But having kids makes all the difference in the world. I can no longer just decide to forget my marriage vows and leave (like I did the first time) because I've got a family. My children's happiness in a secure family is far more important to me than a piece of paper.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: bastphilliy
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 12:48pm

I read/heard somewhere that 30-46% of couples that live together don't work out..my landlord (whose been landlording' for over 25 years) will no longer rent to unmarried couples, why? because in his experience..it doesn't work..he said "they get tired of playing house one moves out and then I am stuck with the rent not getting paid".

Then there is the girl that cuts my hair, whom I have known for over 30 years that has no interest in getting married to her bf of 15 years (neither have been married before)..they bought a house and live together...she's fine with that...think he may have brought up the "M" question though if I recall..

Personally, given I have never been married before, I would not live with someone. Its not about morality or anything..just a thing with me..I guess I am old fashioned that way... something doesn't seem right about it...I want that piece of paper..not only does is it a legal binding contract...it represents committment..says I would be in it for the long haul..you can bail alot easier if that piece of paper isn't there...wont' cost you anything...just moving van expenses perhaps...

Just my HO...

Cyclegirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: bastphilliy
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:45pm

>>you can bail alot easier if that piece of paper isn't there...wont' cost you anything...just moving van expenses perhaps...<<

I did a DIY divorce. It was dead easy, perfectly legal and cost me about $200. I did need a lawyer to help with the legals of property splitting, but this would also be necessary if one owned property with a defacto.

Having lived both defacto and married, I can tell you that *in my experience* leaving a marriage is no harder than leaving a *committed* defacto relationship. If anything, my defacto relationship - with kids - would be much harder to leave than a marriage with no kids.

Though of course, one can enter a defacto relationship with a 'suck it and see' attitude, and this would almost certainly be doomed to failure!

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: bastphilliy
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 2:20pm

Well,having shacked up with three different guys before shacking up with and marryign my husband, I wills ay the following about the experiences...

1) The most important thing is that you shack up for the same reason. If your both shacking up as a percuror to a more legal union, GREAT. If your both shackign up for regular sex, GREAT!!! The bad is when one person is thinking one thing and the other is thinking the opposite.

2) If both people are mature and know themselves well and both are already putitng themselves out there honestly and openly and not still "acting" to "get" the other person... Then shacking up is a greta way to find out if you can relaly live with each other and get a real taste of what married life would be like.

My husband and I have found no appreciable difference in living together for a little over a year before marriage nad living together a little under a year after.

HOWEVER, I think there would have been a HUGE dofference before and after in my past relationships. Primarily becasue I began to see the changes beginning as we got "comfotable" and stopped "acting". I'm sure it would have only gotton worse after marriage. It's probably what ended 2 of the 3. The third ended because the guy was a jerk and parctically certifiable.

3) Living together is NOT for everyone. There are many couples who don't and everything works out great, albeit perhaps somewhat bumpier in the beginning.

4) The bottom line is no one should believe the statistics on either side of the issue. It depends WAY too much on the two pepole involved. There are plenty of horror stories on both sides. Horror storeis that, IMO, stem more from people doing something that doesn't feel right and natural to them, then from whatever it is they are actually doing.

After, my first live-in BF I swore I'd never get married without living with a guy. After livign with the jerk I swore I'd never live with a guy again until I was at least engaged. Then I met my husband and it seemed like the right thing to do. So, go figure, go with what feels best and most comfortable and true to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
In reply to: bastphilliy
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:58pm

i know i'm a little late replying to this thread, but this interests me too much to pass up.

i guess people shack up for a bunch of different reasons. but the idea that everyone shacks up is "playing house" or that it's easy way out of commitment and obligations.. i don't agree with that at all.

my boyfriend and i moved in because we love each other, and we want to start a new life together. it's by no means PRETENDING anything. we've learned to compromise and it's positively affected our relationship. we've learned how to share money and responsibilities like paying bills, etc.

it's hard work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: bastphilliy
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:42am

Yeah I almost had that happen to me, untill I started making more than my now ex BF, and he was looking at houses that he liked and didn't feel like we should get married. So I basically told him, either we get married and both names are on the mortgage, or it's your house, your mortgage and you pay the bills and I'll pay a small portion. Hell he couldn't even get a mortgage with all the debt that he has to begin with...so that was mashed down. Either way I know that be getting a house in the next few months, while my ex will still be sitting at home talking about buying a house...sucks to be him.

Anyways, it's not a healthy way of going about a RL unless those people are getting engaged soon, or getting married. It screws with peoples credit thinking that it's OK to cohabitate like that and not have any means of protection and security from the other person. If your shacking up just for the hell of it, then that's a problem. Personally if I were to live with someone, I would want to be in that RL for some time knowing that I would be marrying this guy in the very near future. For me, it's about feeling secure in the relationship and knowing that it's going somewhere if you are making a big commitment like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
In reply to: bastphilliy
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:27pm

I've lived with 2 guys and I'm going to be getting an apartment with my current boyfriend in the next few months.

The first was my highschool boyfriend, we moved in together thinking we'd be together forever. It was a blessing in disguise because we learned that we just weren't right for each other, and we learned what it was like living on our own outside of our parent's house. I don't regret it.

The second guy was my ex husband. We did live together before marriage but he was one of those "You're my wife so you're going to do it this way" sort of guys. He became abusive. So, I left him. He did not want me to leave but I'm not going to tolerate a guy like that forever. In retrospect, I know I shouldn't have married him, there were warning signs, but at that point in my life I was a lot more naive.

My current boyfriend and I are moving in together because we love each other, and we both have talked about marriage and plan on getting engaged soon. He practically lives with me now, and we never fight. I've never had a guy more compatible with me. I'm definitely more aware of potential problems, and I worry some, but it feels right to be with him.

To me, living together is a way of seeing someone's personality completely. How they handle money, how big of a slob they are and whether or not they pull their weight around the house. If the relationship for whatever reason that I don't foresee work out, then I won't have any regrets. Life is a learning experience. I would never have moved in with any of them if I didn't think we were going to stay together. (And no, I didn't move in with ALL the guys I've dated, only the serious ones).

~Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: bastphilliy
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:01am

So I guess you're opposed to having a roommate of any kind? Becasue they can have the same negative effects on your credit.

Several of my friends with roommates got to experience that first had during college. I, on the other hand, did just find with my live in boyfriend.

Moral of the story, now the character of the person and their degree of financial responsibility BEFORE you agree to live with them, whether or not you are romantically involved with them.