What is going on here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
What is going on here?
3
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:35pm

I have been having the hardest time figuring out what's going on between me and him - in fact, the sitation has gotten so ridiculous I don't know what to really call it! Hopefully you ladies can tell it to me like it is and straighten me out.

I met R on a website about 2-3 months ago. Initially we chatted as friends only, but after awhile we managed to meet up in real life. Online he was smart, funny, and charming, but what I didn't realize until I met him is that he's downright gorgeous! So yes, I guess I am a little smitten. Not only is he handsome, I am attracted to him because he's articulate, well spoken, and just downright great! But a strange thing has happened - when I'm around him, I feel like my brain shuts down. I'm usually well spoken and opinionated on a lot of different things, and suddenly I become entirely biddable and opinionless. My close friends are completely amazed and confused how a spunky and outgoing girl morphs into someone they cannot associate with entirely.

This has never happened to me before. With all my previous dating experiences, it's always the guy who tries to win my affections. With this guy, I find myself travelling a long distance just to spend time with him (with him never reciprocating), him calling me at the last minute to go do something (thursday night call to do something on friday or saturday night). I feel like such a tool, as if he's using me when he's bored, but I'm fiercely attracted to him - I feel more warm fuzzy feelings when we're intimate then with anyone else in my entire life!

He's never spoken about being exclusive despite the fact that we've been physically intimate. I don't know what to do - deep down I don't want to be in this situation if he's just playing around, but I'm afraid if I ask, it'd mean I'll never see him ever again. Is it too soon to bring up the topic? But I don't know whether I can take anymore of this not knowing where things are going. I don't want to rock the boat, but I really need to solve this. Please help me!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:11pm

Be careful...you are VERY likely to get hurt in this situation! I was involved with a very hot, fun musician this past winter and spring and I fell for him and got really, really hurt. In my situation, he claimed he wasn't interested in having a relationship with *anyone* so I figured I could handle us just having fun together. He claimed he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. Well, he ended up acquiring a girlfriend despite saying he wasn't interested in being in a relationship and that hurt like heck (that he didn't choose to be with me).

I'm not saying that the same thing will happen to you, but he's definitely not showing signs of being interested in more than a casual relationship with you--and one where you do all the work, like driving to him.

It's never too soon, IMO, to bring up exclusivity--I personally am not comfortable sleeping with someone I haven't had that discussion with (of course, the guy can always lie as I found out), but you have to go with what is comfortable for you. But yes, you have to be willing to take the risk that he'll end it--ultimately, it's up to you to decide which is worse.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:34am

pinkbunniesrock...

EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS A RISK!

And while Pianoguy can certainly relate to Sheri's experience earlier this year...(PG was burned badly by a supposedly-interested lady)...you have to either speak-up or shut up!

When the subject of exclusivity is mentioned...a man will either give you a straight answer or he won't! Just prepare yourself if he says: "I DON'T WANT EXCLUSIVITY RIGHT NOW!"

THEN...you decide if what you currently have together is adequate and ENOUGH to keep you satisfied? If it is, that's great! If it's not...you move on and hopefully find somebody who can fulfill your definition of "desire" a little better?

End of story...

Pianoguy

Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:23am

Like NWW, I would put up a caution flag on this one also. I also don't get into anything physical with anyone so early on, (3-6 mos "fluffy cloud" stage..emotions are too on the surface..I can't make good decisions).

For me, good-looking men are NOTHING but trouble! LOL..I say "Lord, why did you make this man look this way! AHHHH!!...I am also worried when *I* get "smitten" with someone..the whole "animal attraction" thing that hits you like a ton of bricks..to put it bluntly..I get completely stupid..LOL. Speaking only for myself here, I get attracted instantaneously to alcoholics/addicts ..and wow..is it hard to break free! My head says "no, no, NO..this is TROUBLE!!"..Fortunately today, I am so aware of it that when it happens, I am able to see it for what it is and not go down that road...I turn around and go in another direction!

My concern for you is..your concerns...>
>I'm usually well spoken and opinionated on a lot of different things, and suddenly I become entirely biddable and opinionless. My close friends are completely amazed and confused how a spunky and outgoing girl morphs into someone they cannot associate with entirely<

>find myself travelling a long distance just to spend time with him (with him never reciprocating), him calling me at the last minute to go do something (thursday night call to do something on friday or saturday night). I feel like such a tool, as if he's using me when he's bored<

LISTEN to what your friends are saying to you..they know you and can look at the situation objectively and to what your gut is telling you..I know..its hard to break free of the hold it has on you..I have been there...

Asking the "question"...keep in mind if you ask it,be prepared for the answer..its very likely you already suspect intuitively what it will be..keep in mind too..its only been 3 months...the lust/infatuation fairy dust has not worn off yet.

Good luck

Cyclegirl