Been together for 5 years, still waiting

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Been together for 5 years, still waiting
5
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 1:39pm

Okay Everyone this is my story...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. The first 3 years we were in a long distance relationship (I was at College 4 hrs away) we usually saw each other every other weekend sometimes more sometimes less. We talked on the phone every night for hours and even though I was very lonely I don't regert it because we really learned how to communicate. When I graduated college I moved back home and after a few months we broke up because he just wasn't treating me right and he wasn't ready to change his actions. Also, he was going to be on a reality dating show (Big Man on Campus). So we were broken up for about 5 months. We saw each other out one night and started to talk to each other again and started dating again. About 1 year after we started dating again (exclusively) I asked him if he was going to marry me "someday" and if he wanted to have kids and all those things that were important to me. He told me he couldn't give me an answer because he didn't know what would happen in the future. He said that he didn't want to say yes because he didn't think he would be ready for marriage for at least another 10 years!!! He also said he didn't want kids!

Note: He is pretty immature for his age(25) he still lives with his parents. I, on the other hand, moved away when I was 20 and have been living on my own since.

Since then (its been about 6 months) our relationship has changed dramatically. We completely love and trust each other (we were still very raw before and we didn't know if we could trust our feelings and if it even mattered how much we loved each other because love doesn't always conquer all.) He even told me that he did want to have kids but he wanted me to know he wouldn't be ready for them for a very long time. Our communication skills are better than they have ever been and I am still madly in love with him. Our relationship is still so passionate which I think says a lot since its been 5 years. He has so many wonderful qualities. He is kind, honest, laid back, hilarious, and he is not the cheating type (that's very important to me since my father cheated). Lately we have even talked about moving to paradise (where ever that maybe) and starting a business together (He brought this up not me). So in a way he is making plans for the future.

My deliema is how long do I wait? How long do I put my hopes and dreams for the future off? Should I ask again now that I feel our relationship is on solid ground? I'm definitely to the point where I feel like it is either going to work out or we are going to go our seperate ways. He seems to be very happy with the way things are right now but I'm constantly struggling with the commitment issue. I know that he has a lot of growing up to do...

Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would love to hear how things worked out.

Thanks
Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 12:26am
I wonder why would you want to date, believe and wait for this man, he's a mama's boy who talks about business and moving to paradise, BUT in 5 years he hasn't even mentioned marrying you and setting up a date? He lives at home with mom and dad so why would he want to leave the nest if he's got it all there? He's got someone to cook for him, do his laundry and take care of him. He goes to you for love and sex and companionship. He told you he'd have kids, BUT in a long time and even he didn't say "with you honey". I can't believe that you really trust the words of this man. He's comfy where he is and he won't change his mind in a long time. He's told you what he wants and when he wants it, believe him. You can either wait 10 more years to see if he's ready OR swing to the other side where there could be men available and willing to start a family. Waiting is what you'll be doing in 10 years sweetie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 7:43am

dandmandii..

The one line Pianoguy noticed in your post was:

"He's pretty immature for his age (25) and his still lives with his parents!"

Doesn't that give you the slightest clue about the success of a longterm relationship (aka marriage) with you?

While this man might have some admirable qualities, it's pretty obvious (to me anyway) that he's IN ABSOLUTELY NO HURRY TO LEAVE "THE NEXT" & GET A PLACE OF HIS OWN?

On the other hand, YOU were ready to be independent at 20!

While "Opposites Attract" (PG is quoting the old Paula Abdul pop hit here)...you're expecting an awful lot from a man who seems perfectly content to be "a free spirit" and live life from day?

If you're 'searching for stability' and a future...you MIGHT want to "search" elsewhere?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:38pm
well amanda, u and i are in the same situation here. my fiance and i have been together for almost 4 years and engaged for 2. i feel like we are going NOWHERE! he disagrees, but when it comes down to making wedding plans or something, hes got better things to do. im tired of waiting. im 24 and live on my own and im really tired of it! have u had a heart to heart with him telling him how you feel about it? stand up for yourself and tell him what you need from him. you need someone to commit and want to be with you and take care of you. if he dosent want to be that man, there are men out there that do want to be. u cant handcuff him and drag him to the alter, so demaning what u need is an option. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:19pm

You can only do so much with men that talk more than they walk. You know that he's got growing up to do, so I think you need to take that and accept that he needs time to find himself. He loves you but isn't ready to make that commitment. If he talks about getting a house and getting married and has been talking about that for a long time, but is also comfy...well then you need to get up and move on with your life.

Honestly its the hardest thing you will ever do. You don't want to spend another year or two or three wondering when he will propose? Do you???? Honestly he's not ready. I had a BF for 4 years, and he talked about getting a house here and every now and then getting married. And I had enough... I was tired of waiting and dealing with the immature crap that he did to me. Bottom line was that he needs time to grow up and get himself secure before he ever gets married.

Your BF has told you already that he doesn't want to get married or have kids...I just think you don't want to hear all of that. So he has given you an answer... and I think you need to run with it. Think about it, would you rather be with someone that's got a career, education and his money in order..and whos ready to start a life with someone? Or would you rather have the slob... that talks about doing stuff..but never does it... living at home and not really going anywhere? Either way, you need to stop waiting and start living the rest of your life.

I would just say to him...that I love you but what I want is different from what you want and I can't force you to do that. I need to move on with my life and find someone who is. Then break it off with him and cut ties for at least 6 months to a year. It's extremely hard to do, but it gets easier as time goes on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:29pm
I am in a similar situation. Been with my bf for 5 years and counting. We lived together for a while and then he took a job in another state. Our careers were in different places and we agreed to stay together and in a year move back together to the same place (this was almost a year ago). He talked about getting married but when push came to shove he is now saying he doesn't know what he wants. Meanwhile I am ready to change jobs and want to move to be with him, but he is nowhere close to committing. I feel like maybe I am just ignoring all the signs, but then I say to myself "he is only 26 and maybe he really isn't ready" Bottom line: you have to stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself. That is what everyone keeps telling me and I wish I would listen. You should have a final conversation with him about it and if you don't get the answers you like walk away. That is my plan next weekend and I dread it but I know it's what I need to do.