How do I decide?
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| Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:59pm |
I realize you all don't know me - and you can't possibly know how important this decision is for me. But I need opinions and I can weed through them accordingly!
I've been with my man for 9 years - off and on. He stayed with me through my 20s, my growing as a person and in a relationship and through my mistakes. He's always loved me, been faithful and loyal. I love him - he's my safety, he's my best friend and my constant companion! I can't even tell you how much I want things to work and so many times through out the years I've believed we can!
Now for the ... BUT... :(
I've never had that IT feeling! That feeling that he's all I've ever wanted and could ever want. I've never thought... he's my ONE!
Now let me say I do wonder if that feeling is overrated and those that say they feel it are just convincing themself they have it and convince everyone else they have it and then 5... 7... 9 years later they are divorcing. I've SEEN that happen around me - FRIENDS that have been there. So... in a way... I'm not sure that FEELING is something to be counted on... maybe what is needed is exactly what I have... a constant, a strong hold, something REAL!? Even if it isn't the end all, beat all!?
How do I know? How do I decide whether to walk away from this "really good" that I HAVE - in search of "great" - that I'm not sure if it truly exists?
Please tell me what you think!

nlovewphillip...
Pianoguy likes to use the phrase: "growing in different directions" when it comes to a longterm relationship that appears to be dissolving. This was definitely present in his first marriage (which lasted almost 16 years)!
We can have the most perfect partners in the world, but occasionally find that for various reasons---anything from personal values to sexual desires---we're NOT COMPLETELY HAPPY!
So why not ask yourself this?
"Can I give up my safety source and completely 'fly' alone?"
You indicated that teh 2 of you have had a 9-year on-again/off-again relationship...which sounds (to me) like one of you CAN'T COMPLETELY SURVIVE without the other?
Never lose sight of the fact that while the "IT" feeling might not be emotionally present on your side, you're probably receiving 'some sort of security' from the man you've chosen to be with? So if you choose to give him up in favor of someone else...it's entirely possible you'll find the IT you're looking for....BUT LOSE SOMETHING ELSE? I'm talking about the security you seem to be taking for granted?
It's just one man's opinion...but you might want to SERIOUSLY THINK about what you have right now before you "jump ship" in favor of someone who might make your life happier OR
"a living hell?"
Pianoguy
Right before I started dating my husband, I had a brief sort of whirlwind romance. The guy was telling me he loved me after a few days, and talking eventual marriage. I really did feel like that was the IT feeling you mention. A few months later, everything crumbled and what I realized had happened was that the feelings developed before we actually knew each other. The compatibility just totally wasn't there.
It was entirely differently when I met the man who would end up becoming my husband. We went on our first date, and all I could say about him was that we had an interesting conversation and had fun. There were no sparks. I felt the same after a couple more dates. All my friends told me to stop seeing him and that there was no possibility of anything if I didn't have strong feelings.
Over time we did fall in love with each other in a quiet sort of way. He's my best friend in the world, the person I tell all my secrets to, the person I depend on absolutely.
Now while I don't think that the IT feeling is that important, I do think it's important for the person you're with to be someone you can commit to absolutely. That doesn't sound like you're so sure about that part of it. If you wonder if you should walk away and think you can, then that doesn't sound like your significant other is important enough to know you can commit to him.
OT, but I completely disagree with this statement: 'I think there is a reason that you've been "together" for nine years and you aren't married to him. There is a reason the relationship hasn't gone to any commitment'. A couple can absolutely be very much committed after nine years together without being married or even living together. My twin sister is living proof. Her and her partner are very much committed; they aren't married or living together as it is what they BOTH want; they spend all their time together and are very content with this arrangement. As long as both parties are happy with the relationship not necessarily progressing to living together/marriage there is nothing wrong with it and it does not mean that the relationship is not serious or committed.
Pianoguy... it seems you've just given me both sides... I already know both sides and that's what is confusing me so.
See... I guess your post just confirms what I'm already feeling - there is no easy answer here! :(
I don't know what to do! :(
nlovewphillip...
Pianoguy's question: "Can you walk away and survive on your own" is what you HONESTLY have to ask yourself.
Some women (and a few men) are afraid to "test the waters alone"---so they endure an unhappy marriage or relationship. Unfortunately, the atmosphere remains unpleasant, which means the person who decided to 'stick it out' becomes even more miserable with each passing day!
Starting over ISN'T easy! But for the sake of your peace of mind...starting over is a better option than "wishing and hoping" (quoting the classic Dusty Springfield tune here) that your lifestyle will improve?
From what you described in your original post clearly indicates that things WON'T get better.
Pianoguy
Nlovewphillip,
If you loved Phillip, you certainly wouldn't be questioning your feelings for him on a messageboard. You may love him but you're not in love with him. Love isn't about weighing up the pros and cons. Someone can be perfect for you on paper but you still don't have those feelings for them. You need to find someone who is not perfect but who is perfect for you. All you're doing is using this poor guy because you think you won't get any better. Surely he deserves better than that? Or perhaps he's doing the same thing? Shake off the security blanket and stop going through the motions.
Feisty