7.5 Months -Help! At a Dead End??
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| Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:00pm |
Hi Everyone,
Need Advice....I have been with my boyfriend 7.5 months. Our backgrounds = He is 41 divorced with 9 yr old girl...I am 33 divorced with a 12 yr old boy. It's been exclusive & I think our relationship is great, fun & happy BUT...our schedules are ROUGH to the point it seems we really only get one night a week together (an overnight) and maybe a lunch visit or quick dinner possibly in between. This is due to his visitation with his daughter ( he has her 4 days straight) and I have my son except for a few hours 2 nights a week & every other weekend. He also travels for business weekly about 2-3 days. SO?? Needless to say it's frustrating! Also, we both decided EARLY on that we don't introduce our children to just anyone...we don't bring different men & women into our kids lives..So, onto my issue. I approached him a few weeks back because I'm starting to have a hard time with the not seeing him much because I'd like us to have more time together & & that maybe I felt ready to take some type of step forward so we are able to spend more time together because I know how I feel for him- I Love Him...and I told him - out of the blue. His response: shocked to hear the I love you (he was silent after) and wasn't ready to introduce his daughter to me- doesn't want to have to answer the "Boyfriend/girlfriend" things with her..she is young & he wants to keep her that way...she is protective of her dad too & (daddy is around her little finger I think)..FYI-his ex-wife is remarried, so it's not new to this child? ANyway, after a few days of me feeling a bit uneasy due to this...and feeling upset...we had a talk where I said I felt I was just "fun" for him, he didn't want more & was unsure of how he felt for me-that I am looking for more out of a relationship-I want a future with someone someday-maybe with him? He said..he was just shocked to hear me say I loved him (was unexpected) and that he has strong feelings for me, loves being with me but not ready to say the "I love you" because he takes all these things very seriously...but assures me that he is looking for a future & that I am not just "Fun" for him...he sees so many great things in me,..and I even mentioned maybe we should see other people if he was still unsure of me after 7.5 months & he said he DOESN'T want that! So, a few weeks pass, things are amazing...we even felt closer in a few ways...then BAM, back to this "sorry I have this to do this week...so I won't be able to see you"?? Just like I'm NOT important? I feel I have no priority in his life- like a dead end! I figure..in time he would feel ready to bring me into his life more but I guess I have to either accept his desires & our schedule or walk away because it makes me feel so bad? I don't want to pressure him or sound like an ultimatum by expressing my frustrations again with being blown off AGAIN but...I feel like we are STUCK & when should I expect things to progress or know how he really feels if I allow this "One night a week thing" ..and "it's ok if I don't see her because she is understanding, easy going girlfriend"! Do I stay or Do I go? Also, he has met a few close friends...my mom, my brother....and I have met his NEIGHBORS....no one of impoortance in his life..I feel like a secret & told him so - he just says..he doesn't go on like "double dates" with his married friends etc- so not a big deal to him?? I just feel like he is not sure of me to a point to not bring me into his life more for some reason?? His actions & words don't mesh? I am so confused. I do love him, I wish he would be more expressive but he just isn't? I don't want to lose him because I am inpatient but I think asking for a little more at this point isn't unreasonable?? Advice needed please-any ideas on what to do or say to maybe help him to take a step with me? Thanks in advance...Sweetie.

It doesn't really sound like he's going to take any steps...this is pretty much how it's going to be for the time being, given his parenting and work schedules. It doesn't sound like he has TIME for more at this point! So you can accept things as they are, or move on. Things MAY change, at some point in the future, but you can't count on it.
No, it's not "unreasonable" of you to want more in the big scheme of things, but it's not going to happen anytime soon with him, it doesn't sound like.
I think the one thing you can and should ask is at what point would he envision possibly introducing your kids to each other and at least give you a general time frame. That way, you'll at least have a sense of what you're looking at and you can make your decision accordingly.
Sheri
I see it as a large red flag that he won't incorporate you into his life. You've been together 7 months and he hasn't introduced you to anyone close to him? Not even his friends? From what I've seen any guy who's really smitten with a woman will want to show her off and is proud to have her around him, and WANTS her to be a part of his life.
He's keeping you a secret, which is worth questioning- and not a good sign, excuses or no. And, he's not doing what he said he was going to do (aka spend more time with you) besides the fact that he's unsure how he feels about you. If he's having sex with you of course he doesn't want you to see anyone else and risk the chance of you having sex with someone else besides him.
All and all, this is not a healthy set-up and I'd think you'd be better off dating someone who can devote the time needed in order to have an intimate relationship. I know it's hard, but you'll be better off not dragging it on.
~Kristi
Thank you all for your responses...Here's my UPDATE since my original Post.
I have met my boyfriend's best friend (was an accident but went well), also met & hung out with the neighbors, and met another good friend of his too. It seems I got some "approval" from them which must make him feel a little better too? Also my boyfriend knows that this little "step" makes me feel a little better because I don't feel so "hidden away" or a secret anymore. Although he still hasn't expressed himself to me (the I love you) he does make more contact with me & understands that the time we have means more than anything else to me & that him trying to somehow include me in his life is all I can ask of him. He does seem to Miss me these days when we can't be in touch so we try if not everyday than at least every other day or have SOME kind of contact via a quick text message or something. It feels like this is getting better, closer & maybe he is feeling more comfortable with me & about "Us". My hope is that maybe by the time the holiday's roll around I'll be able to enjoy time with not only him, but our children, this is a goal for me..by then it will be falling on almost a year together & I would hope he will KNOW how he feels for me by then...if not, I will re evaluate how I feel & if I can hold off loner not knowing how he feels....because than I'm not sure if I can continue without knowing? We will have to wait & see......
Thanks Again, Sweetie