7.5 Months -Help! At a Dead End??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
7.5 Months -Help! At a Dead End??
5
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:00pm

Hi Everyone,

Need Advice....I have been with my boyfriend 7.5 months. Our backgrounds = He is 41 divorced with 9 yr old girl...I am 33 divorced with a 12 yr old boy. It's been exclusive & I think our relationship is great, fun & happy BUT...our schedules are ROUGH to the point it seems we really only get one night a week together (an overnight) and maybe a lunch visit or quick dinner possibly in between. This is due to his visitation with his daughter ( he has her 4 days straight) and I have my son except for a few hours 2 nights a week & every other weekend. He also travels for business weekly about 2-3 days. SO?? Needless to say it's frustrating! Also, we both decided EARLY on that we don't introduce our children to just anyone...we don't bring different men & women into our kids lives..So, onto my issue. I approached him a few weeks back because I'm starting to have a hard time with the not seeing him much because I'd like us to have more time together & & that maybe I felt ready to take some type of step forward so we are able to spend more time together because I know how I feel for him- I Love Him...and I told him - out of the blue. His response: shocked to hear the I love you (he was silent after) and wasn't ready to introduce his daughter to me- doesn't want to have to answer the "Boyfriend/girlfriend" things with her..she is young & he wants to keep her that way...she is protective of her dad too & (daddy is around her little finger I think)..FYI-his ex-wife is remarried, so it's not new to this child? ANyway, after a few days of me feeling a bit uneasy due to this...and feeling upset...we had a talk where I said I felt I was just "fun" for him, he didn't want more & was unsure of how he felt for me-that I am looking for more out of a relationship-I want a future with someone someday-maybe with him? He said..he was just shocked to hear me say I loved him (was unexpected) and that he has strong feelings for me, loves being with me but not ready to say the "I love you" because he takes all these things very seriously...but assures me that he is looking for a future & that I am not just "Fun" for him...he sees so many great things in me,..and I even mentioned maybe we should see other people if he was still unsure of me after 7.5 months & he said he DOESN'T want that! So, a few weeks pass, things are amazing...we even felt closer in a few ways...then BAM, back to this "sorry I have this to do this week...so I won't be able to see you"?? Just like I'm NOT important? I feel I have no priority in his life- like a dead end! I figure..in time he would feel ready to bring me into his life more but I guess I have to either accept his desires & our schedule or walk away because it makes me feel so bad? I don't want to pressure him or sound like an ultimatum by expressing my frustrations again with being blown off AGAIN but...I feel like we are STUCK & when should I expect things to progress or know how he really feels if I allow this "One night a week thing" ..and "it's ok if I don't see her because she is understanding, easy going girlfriend"! Do I stay or Do I go? Also, he has met a few close friends...my mom, my brother....and I have met his NEIGHBORS....no one of impoortance in his life..I feel like a secret & told him so - he just says..he doesn't go on like "double dates" with his married friends etc- so not a big deal to him?? I just feel like he is not sure of me to a point to not bring me into his life more for some reason?? His actions & words don't mesh? I am so confused. I do love him, I wish he would be more expressive but he just isn't? I don't want to lose him because I am inpatient but I think asking for a little more at this point isn't unreasonable?? Advice needed please-any ideas on what to do or say to maybe help him to take a step with me? Thanks in advance...Sweetie.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 1:06am

It doesn't really sound like he's going to take any steps...this is pretty much how it's going to be for the time being, given his parenting and work schedules. It doesn't sound like he has TIME for more at this point! So you can accept things as they are, or move on. Things MAY change, at some point in the future, but you can't count on it.

No, it's not "unreasonable" of you to want more in the big scheme of things, but it's not going to happen anytime soon with him, it doesn't sound like.

I think the one thing you can and should ask is at what point would he envision possibly introducing your kids to each other and at least give you a general time frame. That way, you'll at least have a sense of what you're looking at and you can make your decision accordingly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:00pm

I see it as a large red flag that he won't incorporate you into his life. You've been together 7 months and he hasn't introduced you to anyone close to him? Not even his friends? From what I've seen any guy who's really smitten with a woman will want to show her off and is proud to have her around him, and WANTS her to be a part of his life.

He's keeping you a secret, which is worth questioning- and not a good sign, excuses or no. And, he's not doing what he said he was going to do (aka spend more time with you) besides the fact that he's unsure how he feels about you. If he's having sex with you of course he doesn't want you to see anyone else and risk the chance of you having sex with someone else besides him.

All and all, this is not a healthy set-up and I'd think you'd be better off dating someone who can devote the time needed in order to have an intimate relationship. I know it's hard, but you'll be better off not dragging it on.

~Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 3:04am
I don't think 7.5 months is long enough to decide whether to leave or not. To me that really isn't long at all. You have to put into perspective how long ago did his last marriage end. Was it a bad break? You have been in his life for 7.5 months but his little girl has been there for nine years, and he is trying to protect her, just in case things don't work out between you two. He sounds like a great guy. Who just happens too be busy with a career and kids. Which I'm sure he's been doing and keeping this schedule for years. And it's great that you guys get time together. But I don't think there is anything wrong with making a living and putting your children first. And I know your frustrated. But hang on. Give it some more time maybe 17.5 months. Really it's still early considering the time you get together, so put all the days you've actually been together. And you will see what I mean. Take your time. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. He seems like a keeper.And just because he hasn't said the L word. Guy are not like that. They must know 100% before they can say that. He may be 99% sure, but he won't really be sure until he's sure he can trust you with his most prized possession he daughter. Give him some time. Breathe. You two will be married in two years :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 7:02pm
Unlike the previous poster, I believe 7.5 months is plenty of time to know whether or not you want somene to be a part of your life. At least at this point in your lives. If he were a 25 year old young man maybe no. But he's 41. Once people are older and more settled, they are usually quicker to enter into serious, committed relationships (i.e. marriage) than their younger counterparts. If the problem was that he wasn't ready to introduce you to his daughter I wouldn't think there was much of a problem. i would even understand him being too busy to see you more than once or twice week (My boyfriend is in med school and I work full-time and attend law school part-time so I DEFINITELY understand the time constraint). The deal breaker is the fact that he won't introduce you to his friends and family or knows whether or not he loves you. He's 41 years old and has been married. He should have a much better idea of what he wants in a relationship, a significant other, and from his life at this point. If he were serious about you he would try to integrate you into his life. By not doing so he is making it easier to disentangle himself from the relationship once he decides to move on. It seems that he likes spending time with you but isn't sure if you are what he wants long term. He probably doesn't have the time to look for other prospects and is comfortable with the type of relationship you two have, but not necessarily satisfied.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 7:21pm

Thank you all for your responses...Here's my UPDATE since my original Post.

I have met my boyfriend's best friend (was an accident but went well), also met & hung out with the neighbors, and met another good friend of his too. It seems I got some "approval" from them which must make him feel a little better too? Also my boyfriend knows that this little "step" makes me feel a little better because I don't feel so "hidden away" or a secret anymore. Although he still hasn't expressed himself to me (the I love you) he does make more contact with me & understands that the time we have means more than anything else to me & that him trying to somehow include me in his life is all I can ask of him. He does seem to Miss me these days when we can't be in touch so we try if not everyday than at least every other day or have SOME kind of contact via a quick text message or something. It feels like this is getting better, closer & maybe he is feeling more comfortable with me & about "Us". My hope is that maybe by the time the holiday's roll around I'll be able to enjoy time with not only him, but our children, this is a goal for me..by then it will be falling on almost a year together & I would hope he will KNOW how he feels for me by then...if not, I will re evaluate how I feel & if I can hold off loner not knowing how he feels....because than I'm not sure if I can continue without knowing? We will have to wait & see......
Thanks Again, Sweetie