what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
what should I do?
3
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 5:18pm
So I've been with this guy now for all most 4 months. We started as a one night stand and have move along quite fast. Everything that couples do in the beginning of a relationship we've done(the dinner and a movie, mini golf, bowling, etc) which made it all seem normal. I have left out one detail. See, he's been unemployeed ever since I met him. He's been trying to find a job in his field (biology) and nothing seems to be working out. However he's not dirty poor (atleast not yet). Anyways, everything was going great until he went back to his parents for a visit (his Dad's cancer had come back). He was gone for two weeks. Since then our relationship has been in a downward spiral. We usually talk every day on the phone which now those conversations are every other day or twice a week. He's also told me that he wants to take things slow since he's not sure if he'll be staying in the area depending on a job (which meant no more sex for awhile). I thought this was crazy and it hurt my feelings. I've asked him 3 times if he just wants out of the relationship but he's said no. He's told me he's not seeing anyone else and I believe him. I think the pressure of not being able to have a job has something to do with him cutting me off from sex. Am I reading his signals right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 11:47am
I would say you are reading his signals right. He's probably also stressed that his dad's cancer came back and is distracted by that. If you want to pursue a relationship with him, I suggest you backing off while he figures things out. Don't disappear, still call regularly and let him know you are available to listen. Also, don't bring up the relationship thing for a while (since you've already asked 3 times and he told you he doesn't want out - believe him) until you are tired of waiting for him; i think it would just stress him out. Good luck and remember to support him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:19pm

With all the crap that is on his plate right now, he's just a confused mess. Since you have only been together for a few months, I would at least try and be there for him. I think because of all the stress he is going thru, and if he can't deal with having a relationship with you...that means you need to leave. You will only get hurt in the process if it keeps going down hill. Personally I find when men have their "pot" overflowing, they can't deal with anything else nor fit anything else into their life. If you feel like your about ready to "flow over" his "pot", then I would suggest that you take the reins in this RL that tell him that you have your needs in this and he's cant fullfill them as a BF because of all his issues, and that it would be better to be friends. Bottom line, he's depressed, and all you can do is to be there for him as a friend...that's it. But if you decide you want to stay, be careful of your needs and wants, and don't waste your time with someone that can't provide that to you.

I broke up with my ex after 4 long years, in which I stayed probably 2 years too many, and he just doesn't have his life in order and his head on right... and doesn't know what he wants. I just didn't want to suffer and hurt anymore from his immature and selfish actions..so I had to say goodbye and move on with my life. He's got way too much crap going on in his life, and plus I outgrew the RL years ago, but because of my love and devotion, I stayed.. and got hurt too many times. I decided that I need to stop wasting my life on someone that can't provide the things I need, and so I made the painful choice to leave him. I now know that I need to find someone that's more on my "level" in life and wants to start a life with someone, it will just take some time.

I know my story doesn't relate completely but I'm trying to say that if you start seeing the writing on the wall, then it's time to go. Don't waste your time like I felt that I did. If you feel that he can't or won't provide his 50%, you need to go...you deserve better in the long run!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 1:20am
So many times we hear only the words and we ignore the unspoken. Why do we think that if we ask do they want out of the relationship, that they will answer honestly.... It isn't any easier to bring the topic up first, then it is to answer the question if you bring it up first for those that are nonconfrontational. You have all of the information you need...process it.