Persistent

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Persistent
4
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 10:42pm

or clueless?

Our relationship was all of three months (March - May). We slept together the 2nd month, he asked me to be his girlfriend, he started to not return phone calls in 2-3 days time, I call him out on that and find out he'd only broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years a month before meeting me, I ask him if he thinks it's too soon for a relationship, he doesn't think so and wants things to work out between us, he pulls away more, I ask again and he says let's "pull back" because he's getting really depressed about the ex and says he's projecting negative feelings/ideas onto me. I agree. I say, let's break up, but he says, no, let's be friends. I tell him sex would confuse me--and he says at this point, sex would really confuse him too. I tell him I really like him, but I most definitely will NOT be rebound girl. Although I guess I already was.... Brilliant!

We've hung out twice as "platonic friends" since then. The first time was too soon and it was completely awkward. The 2nd time was with friends and we had an absolute blast. We've e-mailed and called (about once a week--except I haven't heard from him this past week). He lives and hour and a half, up to two hours away. I know he really likes me and I most definitely like him. We hardly know each other long or well enough to say anything of love, except I'd love to get things going with him again! I'd like to let him know I'm still interested. I've met more than 5 men since we broke up, but I just really, really like him. However, as a friend and fellow person who's been through break-ups from long-term relationships, I don't want to rush him into anything. He's the one that needs time! Should I just wait for him to make a move (meanwhile meeting and dating others) or is it OK to let him know how I feel as soon as the middle or end of this month? Also, is it always wrong (I mean in a heterosexual relationship) for the female to be the one revealing her feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: flixbix
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 8:38am

Well, it seems to me, the thing you need to kepe in mind right now is this... This man is telling you he is NOT emotionally available to you.

Given this, I would say the best thing to do is stop seeing him all together. Don't be friends or buddies with him because you have stronger feelings for him then that and regardless of whether or not you are putting yourself out there and dating the fact that you "really, really like him" is preventing from making yourself truly emotionally available to other guys.

You can't actually move forward if you still have one foot firmly planted in the past. Which he does with his ex and you do with him. In my opinion, in order for both of you to move on you need to stop being friends, at least until you've both actually moved forward.

As for your questions, it is NEVER "wrong" to reveal your feelings as long as it comes from an honest place and you feel you are ready and want to do so. Sharing your feelings, no matter when you choose to, will never cause problems for an otherwise solid relationship or potential relationship.

Contrary to poular wisdom, revealing your feelings too soon will not run off an otherwise great guy if you are both in a place in your lives where you are ready for a committed relationship and you've found the right guy. Revealing your feelings too soon may be a sign you aren't looking deep enough and are mistaking attraction for genuine feeling, but if that is not the case and the guy reciprocates those feelings it will be apparent and work itself out even if the relationship doesn't last forever. If revealing your feelings too soon does cause the guy to bolt, chances are he simply wasn't the right guy, cut your losses and move on; you'll find the right guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: flixbix
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:16am

I think you need to let this guy go. He's really been messed up from the LTR he had, and with any relationships there needs to be time to heal during that in order to move on the the next person. I think it's safe to say you are a rebound, and that's why he's sending all these mixed messages to you. This guy doesn't know what he wants, and he needs time to sort out all of that.

Right now I just got out of a 4 year relationship that was going no where. I've gotten to the point in my life where I know what I want, and I'm pretty secure professionally, whereas when I met him...I wasn't... I was only 22 and didn't know what I wanted. He on the other hand still needs to find out what he wants in life at 26, and isn't really secure at all. He's really a messed up bag right now, and he basically told me that I love you but I can't offer you what you need and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I broke up with him a few months back but got together a few weeks after that, and things just started going down from there. I've gotten to the point where I'm moving past him and on with my life knowing that I dont want to go back into something that won't ever work for me or hurt me like that again. Things won't change in a relationship unless people make those changes in their life for the better.

Just because you made a connection with this guy, and slept with him already...well I think you just need to remember the good times you had with him, and find someone that will make you happy. Even being friends right now with the feelings you have towards him, will only make it worse for you in the long run. But if you want to revist him later on down the road, make sure that he's got his head on his shoulders and knows exactly what he wants instead of being "I don't know...I don't know" towards you. You deserve better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to: flixbix
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:36pm

Hi Nick,

Thanks so much for your post. I didn't want to accept what I knew, but hearing someone else say it is making it more real. Just getting your response helps.
Take care,
Selina

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to: flixbix
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:48pm

Hi Sweatpea,

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I guess even thinking that someone could be over such a significant relationship in a few months is silly of me. It took me a year to get over my last relationship of 3 years. Thanks for helping me keep my head on straight.

Take care,
Selina