Should I leave? How do I stop caring?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Should I leave? How do I stop caring?
4
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 12:53am
Hi, I haven't posted before, but I have an issue that I really could use some advice for. Long story short, my boyfriend of three years, (I've known him for four), is in jail for something really stupid that I told him not to do. I feel like he's telling me all of these sweet things in letters and on the phone so that he can hang on to me. I look back on our relationship, and I feel like I have been used, and let him use me. Even when we first met, I would always drive because he had no car, but when he went out, he could use his parent's . Gradually, I began paying for things because he had no job. In fact, he hasn't had a steady job since we've been together. I feel like he'd always put friends, not true friends as they all ran away when he had trouble, and other things before me. Now, he says that all he needs is me, but yeah, he would say that now that everyone (except for his mom, stepdad, and I) have abandoned him. He'll be there for another two months. I am feeling like now is the time to leave, but how do I stop caring? I messed up and made him the center of my life, so it is going to be hard, plus, I am really jealous and couldn't take knowing that he was with someone else. How do I stop? How do I conquer this jealousy? He wants to get married when he gets out, but I know that this would destroy my life. How do you stop loving someone, even when you know that they are no good for you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 1:12am
Should you leave? Yes. You are his doormat. How do you stop caring? Whether you can stop caring for him is a secondary consideration. You need to focus on starting to care about yourself. You have no self esteem and until you do, you will continue to pick losers and never find any satisfaction in life. You need to learn when someone is not respecting you. If you have to ask the question "Should I leave?" based on these facts, I would suggest you immediately seek professional counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:31am

About 4-5 years ago I was in an emotional abusive relationship. A suppose at the time I thought I was in love with him, but looking back I can now easily see I wasn't. This is how I finally started to get back my self-esteem and how I finally came to see clearly that I never loved him in the first place...

I started to ask myself what it was I "loved" about him. I came up with the usually list he does this or says that. Then I started to dig deeper and I started to see a pattern, the only time he was ever really good to me was when he thought I was going to leave him and he was going to have to find someone else to use and live off of. I also began to see that it wasn't him I was in love with it's the potential I saw in him. The potential he claimed to have and that he claimed I, and only I, could bring out in him.

As I started to see him for what he really was I also began to see myslef more clearly and I started ask myself how on Earth I allowed myself ot get into this situation and it became shockingly clear that I wasn't over my last BF, from 2 tears earlier and that the fact I hadn't found a guy as good as he was yet had taken a toll on my self-esteem. A toll that allowed me to become so needy for love that when this loser came along I was willing to buy into every line he feed me, because it was what I thought I wanted and needed to hear.

That's when I started to refocus on myself and my strengths. When I would get to feeling down or when he woould try to suck me back in with his guilt and lies I would remind myself that I dind't need him and didn't really love him and that he wouldn't know what love looked like if it walked up and bi*ch-slapped him.

I know it sounds cheesy, but trying to develop a habit of telling yourself 3-4 good things about yourself every time you have a negative thought about yourself DOES help rebuild self-esteem. Eventually, it will become less of a habit to talk down to yourself.

That includes thinking things like, "Oh God, how do I get over him. I'll never be able to get over this I love him too much." Blah, blah, blah. Of course, you can get over him and you need to lecture yourself and say back, "Of corse, I can get over him. I'm much tougher then that. Okay, so maybe I fell for the wrong guy; but, I'm going to learn from this and I'm gong to be smarter next time ."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 10:24am

Yeah I know it's hard and you don't want to leave, but trust me it's for the best. Girl he's a LOOSER!!!! I wasn't in a situation like yours where my BF in was jail and doing REALLY stupid stuff, but it was close to it. I left my BF after 4 years, and I just got to the point where I had enough of all the immature things, the lies, and saying he'll do things and then won't. I was tired of being disapointed and let down, and when we did stuff it was always what he wanted to do, and not me...even if I got that he was always neglecting me in the process or wanted to "play" with his friends. Bottom line, once you do get rid of him, don't ever look back. You have to look at it as the 1st day of the rest of your life...and you need to figure out what you are gonna do with it. I love my ex dearly but there's just no "in love" feeling anymore, and knowing that he wasn't going to change..and refused to make any effort to give the RL the attention it needed because he was too worried about everything and everyone else around him but me...well that just did it for me. And all the BS and stuff that came out of his mouth over the years, I knew we were never going to have a future together, and that I grew out of the RL a long time ago. After 4 years, he had plenty of time to think about the other person in this, and he didn't...he just can't...he's not capabile. I just didn't want to waste any more years and time feeling the way I felt, and at 27 I want someone that's husband material and not little 15 year old boy material. I have already starting talking to someone that's older than me (34) who's been kinda waiting in the wings for me, and I have a good feeling about this guy. And I think he'll help me to get over my ex for good! Time will tell!

In all the stupid crap that he's doing, he's thinking of nothing but himself in this process and after 3 years...he WONT CHANGE FOR YOU. Trust me! A lot of it has to do with how much he can get out of you too. Someday when he grows up (when and if he does) he'll realized that he f*cked up his life and his relationship with you. People like that only dig their own holes and bitch because they feel they'll never get out of it, and ya know with that attitude, they won't! He will come knocking at your door, just learn how to blow him off and resist temptation. Keep yourself extremely busy, the more silence you give, he will start calling and trying to get a hold of you..but after a while he'll get the point..and by that time you'll have moved on to the next person.

Relationships are always 50/50 and you will suffer if that other person isn't dishing out his portion. Two things to think about do you really want to continue putting up with all the crap, being upset and hurt, feeling used, and do you think that if you did marry him that it would solve anything? You didn't mess up, you just gave all that you had to someone that wasn't worth your time, you are now starting to see that. You will leave him when you are ready...but the hard part will be the mourning phase and staying the hell away from him.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 12:29am
Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my problem and to respond. It seems like I have moments of sanity and realize that it is time to go, but then I get sucked back into this relationship. I have tried to leave before, but I have made him so interwoven with my happiness and self-image that I call him or run to the phone when he calls. The problem that I am having is coping with the moments and days that follow when my thoughts are centered on him and whether I have blown the problems out of proportion.