Involved with a cheating boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Involved with a cheating boyfriend
2
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 11:04am

I have a daughter (Amanda) who is a relationship that I am concerned about.

This is the story:

Ryan was involved with Mary during the last 4 years off & on.

Mary has 3 children. (1) son with a construction man that is not in the boys life. (1) with Ryan. (1) newborn that Mary claimed to be Ryan’s but the DNA test came back last month showing that is WAS NOT Ryan’s. Mary is known for not taking the best care of her children and leaves them often with grandparents to go party.

Amanda has (2) children from other relationships.

Ryan broke things off with Mary a year ago, but did see her a few times. This is why Mary tried to say the new baby was Ryan’s.

Ryan started dating Amanda about 4 months ago – swearing that he was not cheating & not seeing Mary anymore. They seemed to get along great. He bought her this & that, took her here & there, involved her in his go cart racing, and started building one for her. Ryan & Amanda had their routine of going to race the carts every Sunday and taking his son & Amanda’s 2 sons. Mary was never involved in this routine or any other public events. Ryan will take Amanda out in the public eye but not Mary. Most of Ryan’s friends and his mother do not like Mary at all.

Ryan and Amanda had plans to move in together, go on a cruise, etc…to blend their families.

After the DNA test was back – he swore he did not want anything to do with Mary ever again and even questions if the middle son of Mary’s is his. Everyone thought for sure that this would solve Ryan’s attempts to try to ever make it work with her.

Ryan is a good guy in the sense that he takes care of all 3 of Mary’s children even knowing that 2 of them are not his.

Amanda has always had this feeling and sensed that Ryan was still seeing Mary. Different things would happen & she would accuse or ask Ryan if her suspensions were true. He always denied her suspicions. I always told Amanda to believe him until he gets proved wrong.

Ryan works out of town through the week and back on the weekends. Last week he was to be gone for 2 weeks without coming home. He invited Amanda to travel to his work location over the weekend to spend time together. Then come to fond out that he had also invited Mary to come spend time with him during the week.

He came home 2 days early and was telling Amanda he had things to do and was busy. Amanda with her suspicions drove by Ryan’s house. His truck was there but he wasn’t. Amanda drove by Mary’s house & found Ryan’s motorcycle hid in the backyard. He had his truck parked at the house to make it look like he was at home.

Amanda called Mary later after she knew Ryan had left. Mary told her that he had been there a lot lately. Mary and Amanda agreed that Ryan needed to get caught. Amanda hid in Mary’s bedroom until Ryan came back. She listened to several conversations with Mary & Ryan that lead in to Ryan seeing Mary behind Amanda’s back. Amanda came out of hiding and confronted Ryan.

Ryan of course was very mad. So mad that Mary & Amanda hung out together all weekend for fear of Ryan’s mode. I am sure that Ryan was mad that he got caught and that both of his women were together. At least one good thing that came out of them hanging together is that Ryan might know now that they will both confront him when he cheats on them.

His excuse to Amanda for seeing Mary again is that he wants to try to make a family with Mary even knowing that things won’t change with her (her going out drinking, etc)

Now Ryan wants to make up with Amanda and gets jealous if she goes out without him. But he still thinks he wants to try it with Mary.

I am afraid that all 3 of then are going to keep caught in this cycle. I just want to know how to handle giving advice to my daughter so that she is not one of them that stays in the circle of hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 3:53pm
Well, if this were a family member or friend of mind I would remind them of how toxic this situation is and how someone has to stop the cycle. Then I would remind them of the example being shown to the children. I know a big thing for me having a son I want him to see the way a man is suppose to be I teach him what I expect a man to be. No one can fall short because what he is exposed to is what they become. Remind you daughter that if her kids keep seeing this cycle they will learn this acceptable. I hope she gets it good luck.

Marie


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“ Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. ”- Romans 15:2

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:05am

Ryan seems like he's 30 going on 15, same for Mary. Amanda has 2 kids to take care of, and has gotten involved with this guy...that's a plain mess to begin with. That's interesting that she has talked with Mary, but then again it doesn't seem like she's the trustworthy type from her behavior...I don't know.

However it is hard enough as a parent seeing your child hurt like that, especially when she loves him. But you can only do so much. My mom gave me the best advice when she said about my ex BF of 4 years, "you'll dump him when you are truely ready". In which I did a week ago. You can only love someone for so much and so long, until you start hurting so much that you know it will never change no matter how much you do. I just didn't want to waste anymore of my life on him.

It seems that Amanda may want to have some kind of father figure in her life with her children, and that could be a reason why she's latching on like that too. But this guy won't change for her no matter how many times she has arguements with him or tells him her expectations...it's just NOT going to happen in this case. Ryan's kid problems are HIS problems, and for whatever reason he's trying to play 2 women at once is beyond me. Frankly if Mary isn't that great of a person as you are saying, then well...those loosers deserve each other.

Of course Ryan wants to make up for his problems, because he doesn't have to deal with baby's mama, and he's dealing with someone who's a good person. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Mary is playing games with Ryan, and he's more than likely getting his cookies from her too. Once a liar, ALWAYS a liar!

I would say this, if Amanda really truely wants to know what's going on, hire a PI and spy on Ryan for a few days or weeks, and see what goes on. Then at that time she will TRUELY know, but I would only do that if she is ready to leave him and wants to know the truth. There's also a show called Cheaters on TV, (www.cheaters.com), I would hit them up too. There are SOOOO many better men out there for her, and a man that will be willing to be a surrogate father to her children, and be that man for her!

Good Luck!