Going travelling - leaving my BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Going travelling - leaving my BF
3
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 4:21pm

Hi everyone, thanks for reading my post. I'm 20, and my boyfriend is 24, we've been together for 18 months and now we've reached a cross roads in our relationship - he is ready to settle down, and i am not. we had a big chat yesterday and he said he wants to support me going travelling and i want him to move out and get a place of his own. however, we have decided that because we are not going to do all the things we planned - that's if best if we go out separate ways at some point in the future because it's not fair on either us (i don't know how long I am going to be away for).

And this just makes me really upset that because of bad timing, we are not going to be together. i am really excited about going travelling, but i love this man so much and i wish time could stop and then restart again in a couple of years time. we have had a few reoccuring problems in our relationship - but we have always been a very stong couple - everyone knows us as being together all the time.

i can't help feeling upset that i'm going to have to leave him and our relationship behind, but at the same time i know i dont want to settle down yet. has anyone had this problem before?

Thanks for reading,

surfmelxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:28am

I kinda relate, but with a few years added on and the roles reversed.

It's wonderful that you have someone in your life that's ready to settle down at that age. I know for me at 27 I'm ready since I'm financially stable and ready to be with someone that wants the same. I dumped my BF of 4 years recently knowing that I wanted to be with someone that was mature enough to handle a long term commitment or marriage. All he wanted to do is the same crap he's been doing for years, talking about buying a house, talking about paying off his bills, doing better for himself, etc...blah blah blah. Ok, but he still racks up debt, still lives at home, while I'm moving out soon, and keeps going out "playing" with his friends, and doing the same ol stuff over and over again. He just wasn't ready, and I think he won't ever be ready...who knows.. I'm just not sticking around to find out. THANK GOD!!!!!

In trying to relate my situation to yours, I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. You love him with all your heart and you want things to work out, but your not at the same place as he is right now. And yes in a few years you two will be at different points in your life with different expectations, but the chances of you two getting back together in a few years are slim. My ex said to me that he needed time to get his life in order and figure out what he wants. I dont know if he was refering to me, or us getting back together in the future, but I pointed out to him that "You know that by the time you try to come back around, I'll probably have moved on to someone else...is that something you are willing to deal with?" He said yeah, but "I love you and I don't want to hurt you anymore, and all I want for you is to be happy, and if that means letting you go...well" That meant a lot, but I also knew that he just couldn't handle the expectations of an "adult" relationship. And I'm at peace with things.

With my RL with my ex, there were times where he would bring up the lets buy a house together...knowing that I make more than him, and I knew I would get stuck in something that would take a long time to get out of. As much as I wanted to be with my ex and spend my life with him, after a while I knew that he couldn't live up to my expectations as a man and as a boyfriend...so how could he be a husband in that case...he never will. Also there were so many trust issues with him, the lies, and hiding so many things from me, that I had enough and he needed time to grow up and learn the hard way. I was basically with someone that was now 26 going on 15. Too much kiddy $hit for me. In time, all of this will heal and I will find someone that will be on the same "level" as me and want the same things. More than likely, I have a feeling that I won't be single for too long! I have faith in that!

I think with you, you just need to tell him bottom line that he needs to move out at this date, and that you have made your decision. If it's both your names on the lease/rent, then you need to come up with the money to move out and do your thing, and make him aware of it. It's not fair to you to hold on to the RL or for him to hold on knowing that you aren't coming back to him. You need to make your intentions clear and that this is what YOU want. Don't give him a chance to hold on to you. I guess the easiest thing to say is that I need to move on, and not to tell him that you need time or anything like that, but that you need space. The less contact you have the better things will be.

Bottom line, you need to have your time to grow up and figure out what you want in life. If it means letting him go, then that's what you will need to do in order to move on. This was all a learning lesson, and you'll take what you have learned and bring that into the next RL you have. I don't know how long you are planning to be gone, but I would say if it's over a year, I would say to cut contact completely. And if it's meant to be, it will be.

Time certainly changes ones perspective on life. It's hard enough to let someone go that you love so much, and have spent so much time with, and it's hard enough staying with him and being miserable not doing the things you need to do and want to. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:55am

Hi,

Thank you for your advice and sharing your past relationship. I guess it comes down to "if you love someone let them free", in my case it's having to let the relationship free. I just can't imagine being without him as we have such a special connection, it's just so upsetting that i don't want to settle down yet. but like you say, if somethings meant to be it will happen.

Thanks again,

surfmelxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:20pm

I hear ya girl! It's hard enough as it is being in a RL, but when in my case you have someone that doesn't want to work on the problems in the RL because he thinks he's done nothing wrong and isn't willing to negioate and comprimise, then obviously he's not good enough for me.

This time around it was an easy decision in my case, I let him get away with so many things just to keep him around but in the end I knew he wasn't going to change. I grew out of my RL probably over 2 years ago, but stayed cause I wanted it to work so badly. Yet somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't going to work out, and low and behold here we are 2 years later. For a short time I was "in love" with him and wanted to get married, but after a while...I knew this guy couldn't even provide for himself, let alone me. I made up all these excuses for him, and for his actions, and tried to justify it in some form or another. All my friends and family told me to get rid of him, and that you deserve better. So I made the decision to give it to him bottom line, or I'm done...and I was done with him. I know now that I couldn't keep this whole mess going on as miserable as I was getting. I knew he wasn't willing to put his 50% into the RL, and he was going to take all he could from me, and no matter what I did or said it wouldn't change the way he acted towards me.

Bottom line, my ex was way too immature, selfish, and forgot about the "best thing that ever happened to him" along the line. I told him that I just want to be with someone that at the end of the day I can come home to and know he will be there, and that I don't have to worry about him doing stuff behind my back, and that the man I'm with is secure, knows what he wants, and professional/financially stable. It's only fair to that other person in the RL to have someone on the "same level" as you. And I think he now knows that he can't provide that to me right now (but I would say never ever). I know that in the next few months my ex will try and come back in someway or form again...booty call maybe or the "I really miss you and what we had" line ???... but I'm smart enough now that I won't ever go back to him. I'm buying a house that will be finished in January, and that's probably when it will happen. Hopefully I'll have a new BF by that time frame! :)

I think for you that in the future...or at least a few years from now, you'll look back on this RL and say "I made the right choice"! And you'll find someone who will treat you better than anyone else that has come along...and you'll wonder why you were with your current BF in the first place. I'm still waiting for "the one", haha, but I know he's out there. Just take time to heal from this, and you'll be alright.

Good luck!