What do you do after a breakup?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
What do you do after a breakup?
2
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 6:34pm

Sorry for the long post, but I got a lot on my mind and needed to vent.

Well a week after my breakup with my BF of 4 years, I find myself doing ok for the most part. You see this was the 2nd time around, at the begining of the year I broke up with him and then in March we got back together. This time I know that I did the right thing and that there really was nothing that I could do to try and save it. I guess when your with someone that doesn't want to/or feel like working on the problems in the RL, and the trust was pretty much broken by him by the end, I needed to face the facts that this guy was too immature to handle the kind of RL that I wanted and needed. All my friends and fam have told me for the past maybe 2 years or so that you need to get rid of him, and when your friends and fam tell you the guy needs to go, eventually you will listen.

We have talked since that time frame and he basically stated that he loves me, but doesn't want to hurt me anymore and wants me to be happy. In all of that, I walked away with so many questions unanswered as to why he couldn't put forth the effort that to me seemed easy to do. But I guess the fact remained that I gave way too much of myself, and spent probably too much time trying to work on us, and that I grew out of the RL a long time ago. But he's 26 going on 15, and I caught him on things he shouldn't have been doing, and didn't think anything of it for the most part. I guess he wanted out, and he got his ticket. I just hope that one day he will completely regret what he did to f*** up the best thing that ever happened to him.

The last time I broke up with him a few months back, I was very distraught...crying upset knowing that I made a really difficult decision. I was busy with school and trying to distance myself from him, I cut all contact after 3 weeks of the breakup. I went out on a few dates with nice guys, but there wasn't anything there..I was trying to get over my ex still. For the next few weeks he would call, e-mail, and IM's during the breakup, and for a while I ignored him. And after 2 months, I gave in, and we got back together. But now it's different, I know that I don't have to hang out with his looser friends, doing the same ol stuff and knowing that I don't have to do anymore or waste any money doing stuff with him. I told him this time around not to ever come back into my life.

As the days go by, I'm trying to keep myself busy and not letting myself daydream and think about him and get upset. I try and occupy myself with work stuff, school, and side projects when I can get them. I take walks around my neighborhood with my iPod for about 30 minutes, and that seems to help a lot. I'm also moving into my new house in January...hopefully...so that's something to look forward to. The weekends are the hardest, but I try and get movies when I can, or just try to do something in general to pass the time. Sometimes when there are days that I know he's out, I feel jealous like I'm not there and in the mix with people, and that can be hard. But I try to look at it like this...at least I'm not going out and spending money, being broke, and then coming home drunk or smelling like the bar...I hate that! I don't go out much, but I'll go out everynow and then. I'm somewhat shy, and I don't have very many girlfriends to go out with, since most are married with kids or out of state. Most of my guy friends are his friends (that's how we met to begin with), so that's kinda out of the question.

I'm talking to this new guy now, and I haven't met him yet but hopefully something will come of it. This new guy has been very understanding of my situation and says that I should take my time. It just gives me hope that there are other guys out there waiting, that will treat me better than my ex ever did.

I just wonder that with the way I'm dealing with the whole situation right now, I think that it won't be long before I have a new BF. But as far as fully getting over him...well time will tell. The situation right now is that we are coordial with each other, and I can see us remaining that way in the future. But I think for right now I need to do what I did the last time and cut ties with him. I know with my ex before my current one, I was with him for a few intense months, but were on and off for 2 years after that. I cut it off in 2000 with him and then he called me in 03 looking to reconnect, but I was with my now ex at the time, and wasn't interested. I still talk to that ex every now and then to say hello, but that's about it.

Does anyone have thoughts or advice on what they did when they broke up with their ex's. What did you do to pass the time, did you date soon after or did you wait, and how long did it take you to get over that ex? Are you friends with the ex, or did you stop communication all together? I'm just wondering what the future may hold in all of this. It's really hard to move on from have a routine for the past 4 years, but I guess I have to take it one day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 9:03am

When I go through a break I usually try to take some time to myself. Refocus on myself. Take me out and think about what it is I am looking for. Reflect on the relationship and things that were in the ex that I know I do not want in a future mate so when I do meet someone I am ready to say what it is and recognize those traits early on. Some exes I am still friends with some I lost contact but I usually go a bit of a time without contact before I talk to them again.

Marie


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“ Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. ”- Romans 15:2

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:06am

sweatpea79...

Pianoguy can only relate what he did and didn't do after marriage #2 came to a sudden conclusion:

What I DID:

1. Paid more attention to the stuff I enjoyed doing...instead of moping about my emotional loss!

2. Packed away the pictures of the EX/WIFE (except for one). Looking at her would only make me more miserable.

3. Made the effort to take advantage of any social invitations from friends and family members---who wanted to see that I was handling the divorce okay? If I declined one or two invitations (due to fatigue or health issues), I promised them a "rain check" in the future.

4. Stopped feeling guilty about the break-up after 2 weeks...especially when I learned that my wife had been seeing (and presumably sleeping) with another man!

What I didn't do:

1. Blame the failure of my marriage entirely on myself.

2. Cry over something that I had no control over. My EX's bad behavior and her desire to leave and live on her own for (at least) 6 months wasn't going to resolve our problems.

3. Immediately date someone else as a way to forget about my marital loss. It wouldn't have been fair or kind to ANY woman who was interested in me!

4. Hate all women because my marriage didn't work out. However, based on the fact that I was financially and emotionally abused by my EX, I became slightly more cautious when it came to making promises to women who might have an interest in me. Giving a lady "false hopes" for a future is a poor tradeoff just to get a little affection.

Pianoguy