Help Me To Help My Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Help Me To Help My Friends
5
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:19pm

I am friends with two people, closer to one and don't want either to get hurt.

My female friend is in her 30s and since I met her has been expressing a dire desire to get married and start a family. Not that she wants to "settle", she DOES want someone of calibur, but would like, so she says, to have kids, yesterday and get married, not necessarily in that order.

I recently introduced her to a dear friend who wants nothing more than an eager and loving wife and they seemed to hit it off well. He is trying to make an effort to not waste time since they are "older" and now she informed me he is moving "too fast" and that she feels pressured.

He did not propose marriage but DID profess establishing a relationship and giving it a go. She says she has some (other) men in mind, and wants to see how it goes. In the two years I've known her, she's ALWAYS going out on dates, but that's the extend of it, with most men wanting to (to be blunt) get in her pants but not in her life.

She then get disappointed, and "nasty" and wonders why it works for others and NOT her. But, other women give guys who WANT THEM a chance. They want a RELATIONSHIP not perfection. She says she needs perfection and passion or something close, then she laments that she can't be treated with respect and seriousness.

Since I only know her for two years, I try to be nice about pointing out the "error" of her philosophy and approach, but I get the feeling she thinks I'm pushy (rather than really loving and concerned) and a bit of a "prude".

The man she met is lovely, paid for her entire weekend, and she even kissed him, held his hand, and exchanged emails and numbers. A previous liaison she gave her # to (about a year ago called ONLY when it was convenient for HIM, and she was ALWAYS nervous and checking her phone). This man has actually called twice, using polite language, complimentary endearments (hey SHE kissed him) and now she's saying she feels rushed and pressured and needs to explore her options. This after we offered to let him stay at our place, he's from out of town so they can have a few more dates, in the upcoming weeks.

Is this normal? Does SHE have a problem, I mean, she's NOT a kid, and if she REALLY wants a man who doesn't play games, she found him, what's her problem. Taking it slow(er) is one thing, but insinuating that she feels backed into a corner is totally another.

How should I handle this. I really want them to both be happy and I know they could be great together if she wasn't so "ambivalent"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:50pm

I think by introducing your friend to a friend isn't going to go as planned because

Marie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:09pm

She may be someone who is only attracted to men who are unavailable. Therefore, she's not attracted to your friend even though she probably feels she *should* be.

If this is her issue, then she's not going to get over it without professional help. I think your best bet is to take yourself out of the middle. Depending on how good friends you are, you might be able to point out, gosh, you say you want X, Y and Z but now that you have it, you're not interested, why do you think that is...but she may not be receptive to you saying that.

Or, it could just be that your friend is going too fast for her (they've only met the one time? That's hardly enough for either of them to decide they want to be a couple yet!!) and she just needs more time and more dates to feel comfortable with him. The fact that it's long distance will make that more difficult so this may just not be meant to be.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:32am

Agreed and very good advice and insight.

What I “fear” is having something “good” go “bad” and putting my male friend at a disadvantage. He is a true gentleman, true to his word and not a player, which is WHY I introduced them since that is EXACTLY what she said she wanted. He is trying to “court” her and treat her like a lady: calling when she says he will, just calling to say hello and he even wanted to send her flowers but we kind of talked him out of it since she seems to think he may be moving a bit “too fast”.

Also if she doesn’t want to move fast, she should first KNOW what she wants and shouldn’t give signals that she does. You see a while back I’d introduced her to another man but she showed up two hours late and when he paid little attention to her and made little effort to get to know her she got upset. To this day she mentions how he totally “disrespected” her by not giving her a chance. This new scenario, which she also showed up late for, was better. My friend actually accommodated her, gave her a chance and even is trying to pursue her, after picking up her tab the entire weekend. And, if “fast” is NOT what she wants, then perhaps she should not have been giving him fashion/style advice, holding his hand, and kissing him, nor telling him how much she looks forward to having a family (KNOWING that, that’s what he wants for himself and in a women). My friend thought he was following her lead and signals and being a gentleman by giving her what he thought she wanted.

He still wants this to work and we are all rooting for them. But I don’t know what to say to him any more. I feel as if I tell him to back off a bit, she’ll be insulted and if he peruses she’ll be backed into a corner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:33am

Agreed and very good advice and insight.

What I “fear” is having something “good” go “bad” and putting my male friend at a disadvantage. He is a true gentleman, true to his word and not a player, which is WHY I introduced them since that is EXACTLY what she said she wanted. He is trying to “court” her and treat her like a lady: calling when she says he will, just calling to say hello and he even wanted to send her flowers but we kind of talked him out of it since she seems to think he may be moving a bit “too fast”.

Also if she doesn’t want to move fast, she should first KNOW what she wants and shouldn’t give signals that she does. You see a while back I’d introduced her to another man but she showed up two hours late and when he paid little attention to her and made little effort to get to know her she got upset. To this day she mentions how he totally “disrespected” her by not giving her a chance. This new scenario, which she also showed up late for, was better. My friend actually accommodated her, gave her a chance and even is trying to pursue her, after picking up her tab the entire weekend. And, if “fast” is NOT what she wants, then perhaps she should not have been giving him fashion/style advice, holding his hand, and kissing him, nor telling him how much she looks forward to having a family (KNOWING that, that’s what he wants for himself and in a women). My friend thought he was following her lead and signals and being a gentleman by giving her what he thought she wanted.

He still wants this to work and we are all rooting for them. But I don’t know what to say to him any more. I feel as if I tell him to back off a bit, she’ll be insulted and if he peruses she’ll be backed into a corner.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:15pm

Hmm...to me, kissing someone and holding their hand over the course of a weekend wouldn't send the signal that someone wanted to go "fast", nor would making what sounds to me like general conversation like that (I think pretty much everything that's said during the first couple months should be taken with a huge grain of salt, anyway). There's no way I would assume that if a guy I had just met said he wanted to have kids or get married or whatever, that he meant he wanted to do that with ME--I would assume he was just expressing a general desire.

And you've mentioned it a couple times, but I'm not sure what the big deal is about him picking up her tab the entire weekend (I'm assuming you mean that they went out to meals over the course of the weekend and did things, and he paid, is that right?)--isn't that just normal courting/dating behavior early on?

I would say to him that if it's meant to be, it'll work out and if it's not, it won't. He should be himself--if the two of them are right for each other, then it'll work out.

Sheri